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dumb and dumber

Vulture’s Stupidest Things of Summer: Cramming Lots of Stupid Into a Short Week

After the off-week that was last week, stupidity hunkered down, showed some heart, and came roaring back, doing impressively ridiculous work in just four days. Stupidity, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not resilient! Unfortunately, all this resurgent idiocy has brought us to the point — just five weeks into the summer, mind you! — at which the competition is getting so fierce that preposterous shenanigans can no longer crack the top ten. Take those teenagers who are biting each other and exchanging blood in some ludicrous simulation of Twilight. Really, truly stupid stuff that a few weeks ago would have been rewarded with a slot. But now, adolescents behaving like adolescents, which is to say, moronically, isn’t special enough to merit a ranking. We’re sorry, wannabe bloodsucking teenagers, the timing just wasn’t right. The timing was right, however, for four other incidents of stupidity, who all debut on the list this week.

2. So long as Katy Perry has a choke hold on the song of summer, her ejaculating bra will have a choke hold on the No. 2 spot.

4. After taking last week off, the Jersey Shore brings it with a new act of asinine, to add to its previous acts of asinine (Snooki and McCain tweeting, The Situation rapping, and the dudes accidentally posing on the covers of newspapers). This time, The Situation reveals that “I definitely want to start moving into scripted and films in another year or two … Reality [TV] is a stepping stone for me.”

6. This week, position six is dedicated to the phony-baloney brigade: Chris Brown and his fake, fake “Man in the Mirror” tears and Jeremy Piven and his cockamamy explanation of the "sushi incident," in which he had to depart a Broadway play midway through its run because he consumed too much sashimi.

8. Showgirls 2 trailer!

10. This Meet the Spartans spoof that combines Twilight, Jersey Shore, and Lady Gaga and, unpredictably!, creates something horrid!

6. This week, position six is dedicated to the phony-baloney brigade: Chris Brown and his fake, fake “Man in the Mirror” tears and Jeremy Piven and his cockamamy explanation of the "sushi incident," in which he had to depart a Broadway play midway through its run because he consumed too much sashimi.

1. This week, we had a serious crisis of confidence about the Vengaboys “Rocket to Uranus,” which has been No. 1 since the list’s inauguration. Is it truly, incontrovertibly, the stupidest thing of summer? Doesn’t it feel a little light, lacking the broad, horrifying social implications of some of the other contenders? And then we reminded ourselves: This is the song-form of a joke that is now, as ever, extremely popular among 8-year-old boys. It might as well be called “Rocket to Your Epidermis Is Showing.” And so it stays.

5. Mel Gibson. Boo. Hiss. It pains us to have to quote him again, so please see last week’s list, entry No. 4, for elaboration.

9. Kyrah! And Ke$ha’s lyric, “My steez is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead”!

10. This Meet the Spartans spoof that combines Twilight, Jersey Shore, and Lady Gaga and, unpredictably!, creates something horrid!

7. Bristol Palin’s acting debut on Secret Life of the American Teenager!

3. Let’s spitball a little about Lindsay Lohan’s courtroom manicure, the one with “fuck u” written in tiny letters on her fingernail. For a minute we were like, Is this an act of defiance directed not at the judge and court, but at us, the people looking at photographs of her and/or watching her get sentenced to jail via TMZ live stream? And if so, maybe we deserve it a little tiny bit? And then we realized even if this were the intention of the flick-off rendered in nail polish, it so obviously could be misconstrued — as it has been! — as being directed at the court that no one who had any respect for the court would risk doing it, which brought us back to square stupid: Writing profanities on your fingernails while going before a judge is arrogant, reckless, disrespectful, and extremely dumb! Did we mention disrespectful? Lohan, of course, says the whole thing had "nothing to do with court at all," because sometimes she says things that aren't true. While serving your jail time, Lilo, please consider updating your manicure to read, “Oops, that was idiotic and in poor taste and symptomatic of why I am now incarcerated.”

The Last Airbender
• Parents who hear a toy say the word “pussy” and don’t think of a cat.
Coolio's misspelled "jugalo" tattoo.
• Eminem’s lyric: "Now you get to watch her leave out the window/Guess that’s why they call it window pane
Shirtless werewolves.
Jonah Hex.
Les Grossman.
Half-Pint Brawlers.

Next week, be here, or be a little less aware of the stupidity going on all around you!

Photo: DAVID MCNEW/AFP/Getty Images