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Burlesque Is Going to Be So Much Better Than Glitter

To paraphrase/grossly misrepresent Tolstoy, good movies are all alike, but every bad movie is bad in its own way. Some are nonsensical, others unbelievable; some have terrible character development, poor acting, wretched chemistry, plot holes; some have talking animals. But a bad movie's most egregious offense is always, always being boring. One of the most roundly trashed movies of the last decade, the Mariah Carey does A Star Is Born shmushortion Glitter, is wretched not just because it is middling and hackish — though it is that — but because it will put you to sleep before it will send you into a rage. It is unforgivably dull — a potential camp classic that forgot to bring the camp. In contrast, Burlesque, Christina Aguilera's own version of A Star Is Born, has remembered to supply the camp. Whether this is on purpose, or just the automatic side effect of co-star Cher is unclear, but, well, we will not look a gift Cher in the mouth. Other promising signs include handsome barbacks wearing bowler hats and lots of eye makeup; lame reference to Dancing With the Stars; the basic premise that a girl would dream — dream! — of working at a burlesque club; Cher; Cher; Cher saying things like, "When you are putting on your makeup, you're like an artist, but instead of painting on canvas, you're painting a face." Additionally, there are at least three less campy indications of the movie's potential: the presence of Stanley Tucci, the acknowledgment that Christina Aguilera is not a great dancer, and the baby goose bumps you will get when she finally belts one out.