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Jersey Shore Recap: Heartbreaks and Hippos

Hey-yo, Shore fans! We're back for another hour of high jinks and high drama courtesy of our lovable (though somewhat reprehensible) friends down in the MIA. This week saw the conclusion of Snooki and JWOWW's ill-advised letter scheme — now that Sammi knows about Ron's infidelity, will she leave him for good? We have a sinking feeling that we're going to continue to see both Ronnie's butt-crack and fights in the bathroom between these two for a very long time. Sigh. And little Snooks also underwent a traumatic split from Emilio, after finding out he was homophobic (or something?). We admire Snooki's dedication to gay rights; she is becoming more worldly before our very eyes, what with her new vocabulary words like "sympathetic" and "wisely." As much as last night's episode entertained us (with a picture-burning ceremony, no less! "This is from Sushi Samba in the city … I paid"), the lack of Vinny and Pauly D plotlines was a major disappointment. Whenever they're onscreen we laugh, and whenever Ronnie and Sam appear we groan. This week, we're replacing our Class-Off format; in writing these recaps, we've realized that it's not so much classiness that we're measuring, it's more like human decency. Ronnie topped the list last week because he called his girlfriend a bitch and repeatedly cheated on her, not because he burped and farted. And so, herewith, our new index: Which Jersey Shore castmate will most likely go to hell?

Ronnie: Most Likely to Go to Hell!
Well, this was an easy pick. "I’m definitely not a saint. If I probably walked through church, I’d fucking burst into flames, to be honest with you," admits Ron-Ron of his behavior toward Sammi. After Sam finds the anonymous note, Ronnie goes into full apology mode, owning up to some of the accusations. "Yes, I was dancing with girls, yes, I took shots between some waitresses' breasts ... I was not holding hands with no girl at Klutch; I got her number, threw it away," he confesses to Sam, neglecting to tell her about the whole "making out with two girls at once" thing. Okay, so Ronnie is a liar and a bad guy, but Sammi is an enabler. "I think I can talk my way out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. How big's a grave, six feet? I'm probably like two and a half, three feet down right now," he observes laughingly. And it's true! Even though Sam claims that it's over between them, we know they'll be back together in no time. But regardless, Ronnie shouldn't have called up his "hometown honey" in the midst of fighting with Sam — he tells her that when he gets home, he wants the "Varsity Blues outfit," referring, of course, to Ali Larter's famous whipped-cream bikini. He has the poor girl on the phone talking about different whipped-cream varieties, while Sam's screaming at him on the other end. For that, Ronnie, you are most likely going to hell. For this week, at least.

Mike
Mike was in fine form this week, screaming obscenities, delighting in others' pain, and humiliating women on national television. His worst (best?) offense was the scheming nature on display during "the night of many hook-ups." The boys picked up two girls at a club and brought them back to the house; earlier, Mike had arranged for a backup plan, inviting another girl over. She showed with an unsuspecting friend, who'll forever be known, for the rest of her life, in all of America, from sea to shining sea, as the "hippopotamus." "In this type of situation, you have to separate the two sets of girls, and then you have to separate the hippopotamus from her good-looking friend," he explains to us. Okay, we'll admit that this whole scene is pretty hilarious, and we're happy that Mike is finally getting some, as it seems he's been in a dry spell of late. "I will extract the hot one, and leave the grenade to blow up in Ronnie’s room by herself." Mike's plan works, and then we have the pleasure (pain?) of watching him roll around in bed with his conquest. "I put the hippopotamus to bed. Then I took Christine or Kristin into the smash room. And, um, do you want me to say what happens next?" Where Mike doesn't fare so well is with Angelina. Upon coming home from the grocery store and seeing that she neglected to clean the dishes, he pretty much freaks out. "You obviously didn’t fucking clean the sink! ... Clean the house, you dirty mess!" But in true Situation form, Mike apologizes, and allows Angelina to eat with the rest of the house. He's not going to hell, he's just a little on edge. Maybe his night with Christine/Kristin will calm him down.

Jennie and Snookie
The anonymous-note twins are back at it again, hilariously lying to Sam (and everyone else) about the letter. But first we get to see them fist-pumping with some gays during Gay Pride week, which is just so cute. "I met some gay friends!" Snooki reports back to Emilio, who turns this fun fact around on her. "I’m going to go on a date with lesbians," he replies meanly. JWOWW drunkenly calls out, "Tell him to Google it; it’s gay par … ade … week … end!" Snooki tries to explain some basic sex-ed. "You know what gay guys do? They’re not attracted to vagina, they’re attracted to asshole, okay?" she assures him, but the conversation devolves from there, and Snooks ends up breaking up with him after he maligns her new gay friends. Thankfully, Jennie is there to comfort Snooks in her time of need, helping her burn pictures of Emilio from better days spent in cheesy New York restaurants. Where the girls misstep is their insistence on lying to Sam about writing the letter — Ronnie is right in that they should just man up and confess. Plus, everyone knows they did it anyway. They still think they did the right thing, though, so for that, the twins are pretty high up on our hell list. But we still love them. Plus, Jennie's attempt to get her breast to perk up was amazing.

Angelina
Angelina is a slob. And is lazy. And talks on the phone too much. And screams too loudly. And generally bugs us to no end. That's all about Angelina for this week.

Sammi
Sammi is a doormat. And cries too much about Ronnie. And is way too gullible. And generally bugs us to no end. That is all about Sammi for this week.

Vinny and Pauly D: Least Likely to Go to Hell!
Come on, producers, throw us a bone and give us more of Vinny and Pauly D. They're the two most genial of the bunch, and therefore the most fun to watch gallivanting all over Miami. During the night of many hook-ups, Vinny is fair in his allocation of girls. "We have to pick three for each one of us, and the grenade can just go to sleep," he says wisely (and fine, it's a bit gross that after he high-fives Jennie, he says, "I don’t know if you want to touch that hand." But funny!). Pauly, for his part, acts kindly toward Snooki when he notices she's upset about Emilio. "I don’t like to see Snooki sad, at all," he tells us. "Whoever it is, just give me his Social Security number, and I’ll have him taken care of." Aw, Pauly is nice. Yeah, yeah, both Vinny and Pauly lie to Sammi's face about the contents of the letter, but they're just defending their friend, so you can't really blame them. And they're certainly not going to hell for that. Heaven, more like. With all the meatballs they could ever dream of.

Photo: MTV