Vulture

Skip to content, or skip to search.

Jersey Shore Recap: Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman

Why, why must this show concentrate so much on a relationship that we don't care about at all? WHY? Last night's entire episode revolved around Sammi and Ronnie's troubles, and while, yes, it's funny that Snooki and Jennie wrote an anonymous note to Sammi exposing Ron's transgressions (at a cyber café, no less!), it doesn't make up for our boredom during the rest of the long hour. Because having to listen to the back- and-forth between these two is pure torture. Take every fight you'd ever had with a significant other, multiply it by all the trashiness you can think of, and then divide that by total idiocy, and you've got an argument between Ron and Sam. Will no one tell this guy to stop calling his girlfriend a "bitch"? What must his mother think? And will no one instruct Sam to stand up for herself? Actually, Snooki and Jennie do tell her to do just that, but she doesn't listen, so entranced is she by Ron-Ron's bulging pecs and strangely childish hairdo. ARGH! You can't expect us to be happy with an episode with so little Pauly and Vinny. Let's just get to the Class-Off, okay? Otherwise we're going to have to run out and put our head in between a cocktail waitress's breasts.

Ronnie — The Loser!
Ronnie loses again! The big lug and President of the IFF continues to top our list, with lines like: "You are a bitch! ... If the horse is dead, than you gotta leave it alone." Cursing, dead horses, manipulation — the guy does it all, and then some, including mistreating his sad-sack girlfriend, getting black-out drunk, and then puking all over the place while she comforts him. Ronnie is, as JWOWW said last week, "a dirtbag," and he demonstrates over and over this week that he has no class. He loves Sam (or so he keeps saying), but he doesn't want to miss out on the fun, so he continually makes out with other girls and then comes home to snuggle with her. "I fuck myself every day when I’m with you," he snaps at Sammi after she gets mad that he stayed out till 6 a.m. Which just isn't true — she's the one who's getting nothing out of the relationship. "I hate you so much, because I love you. You realize that?" he slurs at her while they're out. He can't really walk at that point, so Sammi takes him home and puts him in bed, right in time to fart in her face. Not metaphorically. But maybe Ronnie is just too dumb to keep things straight. "I don’t like tests, that’s why I didn’t go to college … don’t test me. 'Cause I will fail the majority of the time," he says. And behind his grating laugh, we see the glimmer of an insecure boy getting back a math test that he failed, yet again. Eh, but he eats dinner shirtless. For that, he loses the Class-Off.

Sammi
"Pretty much, Sam, you're getting punked!" says Mike of Sammi's refusal to understand that Ronnie is completely playing her. Last week, we gave Sam a pass, but this time around, we're doing no such thing. Because by letting herself get trampled on and used by Ronnie, Sammi is outing herself as a pretty classless girl. She keeps announcing "it's over," and even goes so far as to break a plate with Snooki, but inevitably goes running back to Ronnie's huge biceps. Sammi, it's pathetic! And maybe Snooks and Jennie don't tell her in so many words that Ron is cheating, but they pretty much drop every hint except for actually shouting "Ronnie is cheating on you, you idiot!" to her face. Plus, Sam burps a lot, which we could get over if she even once said "excuse me." For sticking with Ronnie even as he laughs in her face, Sammi is near the top of our list. Grow a pair, honey, and give him the boot. Though she does get points for refusing to answer (and looking disgusted at) the question: "Which guy in the house would take a dump on my chest?"

Jennie/Snooki
It's the Bond twins, Jennie and Snooki! These two crazy girls are on a "mission" to somehow let Sammi know about Ronnie's bad behavior, but neither one of them want to have to tell Sam to her face. So, instead, they come up with a madcap plan to write her an anonymous note at an Internet café and leave it in her drawer. They actually think this is going to work. ("We say tits, not breasts, so she probably won’t know it’s us," surmises Snooks.) "He made out with two girls at Bed. He motor-boated another girl at Bed. He got a girl’s number at Klutch, after he sent Sam home crying. We’ll type an anonymous letter! That’s a genius idea!" says JWOWW, the instigator. Earlier in the episode, Snooki is wronged by Emilio, who calls her drunkenly to confess that he "fucked this girl tonight." Upon hearing the news, Snooki lets out a primal scream, and JWOWW comes to the rescue by getting on the phone and giving poor Emilio a piece of her mind. "We have about twenty fucking beautiful six-foot-four guys outside our doors. While you’re fucking the nasty bitches out there, I’m sure Nicole’s going to get it in down here ... At the end of the day, you’re just a loser as it is, and you're a drunk skank with no job, so get it through you fucking head, all right?" Wow, she's good. "You made me cry, I’m not crying anymore, I’m ready to fucking chop your balls off!" declares a liberated Snooki, after breaking a plate on the ground in frustration. She holds a lot of anger for such a little person. The girls don't win the Class-Off for a number of reasons. First off, they should just tell Sam about Ron, instead of this insane letter scheme they've got going ("Spicy mayo! I’m allergic to pecans sometimes." Nice try, Jen). Secondly, Jennie continues to threaten violence to anyone who crosses her. In their favor, they both pick each other as the person they'd have a threesome with, so that's sweet. Girl solidarity!

Angelina
Ang was sort of a nonentity this week. but as Snooki says, there's just something about her that we don't trust. She's right in not telling Sammi about Ronnie — that really is Jennie and Snooki's job, as they're Sam's better friends. And she's also correct in assuming that everyone in the house would be pissed at her if she was the one to tell. Yet there's a sneakiness to Angelina that puts her on top of the boys in the Class-Off this week (plus that outfit she wore to the questions game isn't helping her on this front, either. Plus, that big fart).

Vinny
"I am Caesar!" yells Vinny from his high-up perch at the club. After last week's all-star showing, Vinny took a breather, though he still got in some amusing one-liners. "That looks like a garbage bag," he says of Angelina's so-so-short lingerie look. "She’s wearing her luggage from last year!" concludes Pauly. Oh, these boys are so funny. "Let's make it happen," Vinny says of Snooki's suggestion of a threesome with him and Jennie. "Let’s go, drama free. Drama free is in the building!" he implores of the girls while they're out. The only reason Vinny isn't on top is for the way he talked about a few of the women gelato-shop patrons. "Do we have a butterface flavor?" he asks after a less-than-gorgeous girl leaves the store. At least he didn't say it to her (butter)face.


Mike/Pauly
— The Winners!
Mike and Pauly win the top spot this week because, let's face it, they weren't in the show that much. Plus, they both seem pretty aghast at what Ronnie's doing to Sam. They're just kind of these sweet guys hanging around the house — Mike attempts to cook a Sunday dinner, but a key ingredient ends up on the floor ... again. Pauly nicely takes some paper towels out to help clean up and throws compliments left and right. "You have a beautiful smile!" says Pauly to a cute girl in the gelato shop. And Mike is quickly becoming the Jim Halpert of the mix, giving hilarious cutaway looks to the camera in the midst of all the insanity. So the boys win, but we assume next week, when they get more screen time, it'll be a different story.

And for a little bonus, here's the text of Snooki and Jennie's letter, transcribed from the screen grab:


Sam,

The first night at Bed when you left crying, Ron made out with 2 girls and put his head inbetween a cocktail waitresses breasts. Boing. Also he was grinding with multiple fat women.

When you left crying at Klutch, Ron was holding hands and dancing with a female and took down her number.

Multiple people in the house know, therefore you should know the truth.

Photo: MTV