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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Final Countdown for Danielle

This week on RHONJ, the ladies foraged for their roots some more. A bewildered Italy bore the brunt of the Manzo-Laurita-Giudice invasion (though not without making them pay), while, back in Jersey, Danielle bravely quested for answers in the ongoing mystery of who was the she-beast that done spawn her. Removed from their habitat and separated from their natural predator, their scant wits dulled by carbohydrates, the Manzo-Laurita-Giudice triumvirate allowed its alliance to slacken. It was a barely perceptible shift, but the cracks are there. With Danielle out of the way, Jacqueline and Caroline start to notice that Joe is crass and moody, that Teresa is boneheaded and profligate, that the kids are spoiled brats in stupid outfits (just how stupid can be gauged on the faces of the Italian relatives when Teresa and her daughters showed up to dinner looking like refugees from a Victorian brothel, or extras from the set of Moulin Rouge 2: Revenge of the Pantaloons).

The point is we’re not completely shocked to learn that Life and Style magazine, which also reports that Brad and Angelina have traveled to some of the world’s most “poverish” nations, says that Bravo has decided not to renew Danielle’s contract for next season. Not that we really blame Andy Cohen. Danielle gets Wayne and Franklin Lakes all to herself for however long the tri-families are away, and she can’t think of anything more interesting to do than go on carefree panini runs with Danny in between tirades about how she was stabbed in the proverbial back by the proverbial Kim G. while grabbing the proverbial bull of life by its proverbials? Also, we’re thinking the decision can only mean two things: Either the birth mother thread never panned out, or the mother Danielle has so dearly wanted to smell for the past 47 years did turn up, but turned out to be homeless after all. And Danielle has made it amply, amply clear that she does not want to smell a homeless mother.

The point is we’re not completely shocked to learn that Life and Style magazine, which also reports that Brad and Angelina have traveled to some of the world’s most “poverish” nations, says that Bravo has decided not to renew Danielle’s contract for next season. Not that we really blame Andy Cohen. Danielle gets Wayne and Franklin Lakes all to herself for however long the tri-families are away, and she can’t think of anything more interesting to do than go on carefree panini runs with Danny in between tirades about how she was stabbed in the proverbial back by the proverbial Kim G. while grabbing the proverbial bull of life by its proverbials? Also, we’re thinking the decision can only mean two things: Either the birth mother thread never panned out, or the mother Danielle has so dearly wanted to smell for the past 47 years did turn up, but turned out to be homeless after all. And Danielle has made it amply, amply clear that she does not want to smell a homeless mother.

As for lessons to be extracted from this episode, we’re hard-pressed, but here go a couple:

• While traveling abroad while bankrupt, it is best not to pack 57 bags that will only serve to remind your by-now-desperate husband of exactly how much of a burden you are. We’re just saying it’s best if he doesn’t have the exact weight in pounds, as it helps preserve the illusion.

• “Naples had this big volcano and it did erupt, but that was hundreds and hundreds of years ago — 60 years ago? It was 60 years ago?”

• That “little sink” in the bathroom is called the “Oh Beddeh.”

• Teresa didn’t learn English until she was in kindergarten, which is why what she’s saying rarely makes any sense.

• Going to Italy and seeing where you come from is cool, in theory, but when it turns out that everybody speaks Italian, and your hosts serve you ham and sausage made from actual pigs, which they killed, that’s where a person needs to draw the line.

Oh Beddeh. “They’re like douches.”

Photo: Bravo