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The Real Housewives of D.C. Recap: Horseback Riding and Bad-Mouthing

If the RHODC makes one thing amply clear, it’s that it’s high time Bravo switched to another format, like real househusbands or real housekeepers — they could pit Rosa against Zoila from Flipping Out, maybe — or real house sitters or real house pets or something. At least the husbands are doing things like scampering down to the basement to talk about their patented penis-measuring inventions, guaranteed to take the penis-measuring industry by storm. That’s exciting. The ladies never talk about patented penis-measuring inventions. They just talk shit about each other and dramatically take offense. Then they invite each other to lunch and Sunday dinner and afternoons of horseback riding specifically so that they can talk shit about each other and take offense. They plan parties so they can hate on each other. Has this kind of contrived bitchiness not run its course already? Must this continue to devolve until the characters start wearing stupid hats with veils on them and pushing one other into pools?

And another thing: What’s with the crazy profligate spenders with millions in debt and their insane need to live their lives like characters on a late-eighties Aaron Spelling show? Have they not heard of the Internet? Tareq Salahi, that mysteriously wall-eyed and dough-faced international man of mystery handed in his Patek Phillippe watch not long ago to pay the gardener, and the watch turned out to be a fake. (We wonder if the gardener was offended, and if he’d be interested in joining Rosa and Zoila on their show.) And next thing you know he’s lavishing gifts on his wife, the Lollipop, and presenting her with her very own horse. She names it Sparkle, because mentally she is 3.

(Actually, Michaele says, people think she’s in her 30s — people in their 80s, we assume — when in fact she’s 44.)

Anyway, Tareq lets her keep as many bags and shoes and sunglasses as she wants, and then he gives her the horse and we wonder when the authorities are going to show up, or the angry mob. An angry mob would be better. That would be a good direction for the housewives, come to think of it — stormed by creditors and car-dwellers, their things sold off at auction before they’re dragged to the gallows. It would put the housewives out of their misery, at least, because it’s clear they are pretty miserable. You would be, too, if you had this many things to complain about.

Things the RHODC have to complain about:

Lynda: 1. Her apartment is too small, which is why she has to consider moving to Virginia to buy a house. 2. Her personal assistant is also her son’s girlfriend, which is awkward and makes her worry about who will personally assist her when this girl is busy giving her grandchildren, and vice versa. 3. Her good friend Paul, the celebrity stylist fame whore, has decided to enlist arch-nemesis Michaele to host his birthday party this time, because the party Lynda threw for him last time was not big enough. 4. Virginia wine sucks. 5. Michaele is too skinny and should eat a cheeseburger because Lynda can’t stand to look at her even though she runs a modeling agency. (That mysteriously caters to “dignitaries” and their multifarious modeling needs.) 6. Hideous models with jaggedy teeth and thick necks keep sending her their head shots.

Mary: 1. Her housekeeper barely understands English, so Mary is reduced to speaking to her in English with a Spanish accent. 2. Her daughter has moved back home but brought her dog and its hairballs and poop with it, and now Mary’s housekeeper has to clean up after it. 3. Her new best friend is attractively British, but sadly also a huge bitch. 4. Michaele invited them out for a horseback ride under false pretenses. She said the “dress code” was jeans and then showed up “coiffed” in riding “jodhpurs.”

Cat: 1. She’s jealous of Mary. She wishes her daughters would move out already, but the little brats haven’t even reached the fourth grade yet. 2. People keep inviting her over to their houses and expecting her to like their food and drink their wine, and not say insulting things to them and not eat and run without saying good-bye. 3. Black people.

Stacie: 1. She keeps inviting people over to her house and her family’s houses and expecting them to like her food and drink her wine, and not say insulting things to her and not eat and run without saying good-bye. 2. Racist people.

Michaele: 1. What’s wrong with showing up late to a party you’re hosting, in a white stretch limo with a police escort? 2. Why is Lynda so negative? 3. Why does everybody harp on her beverage choices and pick on Virginia wine? 4. What’s with Lynda telling Paul she should eat a burger and fries? Why not tell her to her face, at least? Or buy her the burger? 5. Why does Paul look like he’s about to faint?

Photo: Bravo