dumb and dumber
Vulture’s Stupidest Things of Summer: Finally, Katy Perry Makes a Poop Joke
Last week, “Rocket to Uranus” lost the No. 1 spot, but nothing was quite stupid enough to take its place. Turns out a Katy Perry poop joke was the stupid thing we’d been waiting for, and this week she delivered one, thus leapfrogging three other contenders to land, firmly, atop the list. Also this week, Yogi Bear made the biggest jump of the summer — moving from 10.5 all the way to No. 3 — on the strength of a poster making an ill-advised anal-sex insinuation. This week in stupid: all about the tushies.
1. This is the actual lyric to a recently surfaced Katy Perry track (which, in fairness, was sensibly left off her forthcoming album): “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the back’s where chocolate’s made.” Please note that this is more than a coded reference to feces, but actually a nursery-school-level primer on the human body’s excretions: There’s milk (from one breast), milk (from the other breast), lemonade (pee!), and, of course, the chocolate. From around the back.
To be clear, this lyric, alone, would have been sufficient to land Perry the No. 1 spot. Needless to say, Perry delivered more. Much more. As a result, please, enjoy these lost verses to "Dayenu":
If Katy Perry’s song had only contained the lyrics, “Around the back where chocolate's made,” it would have been enough.
If Katy Perry’s other song had only contained he lyrics “Show me your peacock, cock, cock,” it would have been enough.
If Katy Perry had only told Rolling Stone, "I am sensitive to Russell taking the Lord’s name in vain and to Lady Gaga putting a rosary in her mouth. I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen. Yes, I said I kissed a girl. But I didn’t say I kissed a girl while f-ing a crucifix,” it would have been enough.
If Katy Perry had only worn a bra that ejaculated whipped cream, it would have been enough.
More verses to come! Promise!
2. Fading, but not fast enough, Mel Gibson.
9. At this rate, the Jersey Shore will be off this list in a week or two, unfathomable earlier in the summer. Their only new stupidity this week was The Situation's haircut.
4. Lindsay Lohan’s whole depressing thing.
6. Spencer Pratt, in disguise as a less crazy person than he actually is!
7. Another new thing! The trailer for Fred: The Movie, starring Internet sensation/creation Fred Figglehorn, the kid whom it's impossible to listen to without (a) clawing out your ears or (b) starting to worry about a run on the universe's helium supply. The movie airs on Nickelodeon in September, so Fred's doing his part to keep stupidity going though the fall.
8. Ke$ha storms back up the list, the proud new owner of a glitter-filled music video, and longtime owner of the lyrics, “My steez is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead.””
9. At this rate, the Jersey Shore will be off this list in a week or two, unfathomable earlier in the summer. Their only new stupidity this week was The Situation's haircut.
2. Fading, but not fast enough, Mel Gibson.
10. Showgirls 2 trailer, and the Titantic 2 trailer.
Stupid things of summer no longer quite stupid enough to remain on this list:
• Bristol Palin's acting.
• All wet Thor.
• Eminem's lyric "Now you get to watch her leave out the window/Guess that’s why they call it window pane."
•Kyrah.
• Chris Brown's tears.
• Jeremy Piven's fishy explanation.
• Meet the Spartans spoof.
• The Last Airbender.
• Parents who hear a toy say the word “pussy” and don’t think of a cat.
• Coolio's misspelled "jugalo" tattoo.
• Shirtless werewolves.
• Jonah Hex.
• Les Grossman.
• Half-Pint Brawlers.
Next week, still with poop jokes.
