So, as many suspected, I'm Still Here, the Casey Affleck "documentary" about a hirsute, unhinged Joaquin Phoenix's "retirement" from acting, is completely bogus. (What is the world coming to when you can't trust a bunch of actors?!) Affleck told the New York Times that he "never intended to trick anybody," but everything in the film, including Phoenix's appearance on David Letterman, was a performance. Phoenix isn't a failed retiree. He never retired. He never wanted to be a hip-hop star. The hookers? Actresses. The poop? Fake. The one thing we hope is real is Phoenix's majestic, porcelain beer belly. We need to believe something so beautiful and perfectly proportioned can exist in nature.