A Form Letter To Your Friends Regarding Their New TV Shows

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Dear [Friend Name],

Hey, [Buddy/Dude/You]. I know we haven’t seen much of each other since you began working on [Show Name], and [Bar Show Formerly Produced Together] hasn’t been doing too great, but I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you.

When you and I both auditioned for [Show Name], who could have known who they would have picked? Maybe you? Maybe me? It was up in the air, and the choice must have been very difficult for [Casting Director Name] who called up both of our managers and asked to see us both on the same showcase because of our comparable talent. We both had great sets and I was so proud of you when you got that [Form of Positive Response], I told all the industry at the show that we were friends and wrote together often. That was a great crowd; they were willing to laugh at everything!

And you got it! Oh my God! I still can’t wrap my head around it. I knew why [Casting Director Name] hadn’t e-mailed me back yet: [Gender Of Casting Director] was making you a star! Takes a lot of work to make a [Gentle Insult] like you look good. Haha! I’m kidding, [Man/You], I’m kidding.

Fast forward a few weeks, and just when I’m thinking of messaging you on [Social Networking Site] to see if I got your e-mail wrong, I start seeing promos for [Show Name]. It’s so weird to see you on the screen, [Man/You]. Weird, but also funny because [Show Name] is the type of show you and I used to make fun of all the time but now you’re doing it for real and so the joke’s on both of us equally, right?

Side note: I saw [Mutual Non-Industry Friend to Whom Both Parties Were Greatly Attracted] the other night. We were talking about old times and [He/She] asked about you. Imagine [His/Her] surprise when I said that we had both auditioned for the same part and I barely missed it! [His/Her] face went confused and also white, like [He/She] realized [He/She] had forgotten something very important to [Him/Her]. And now I think Gmail has [His/Her] e-mail address saved weird because it’s not putting my e-mails through, I don’t think.

Gmail has been weird to me lately like that.

So last night, a bunch of us [Type Of Performers] had a party to watch [Name Of Show]. I don’t know why, but I was so nervous for you. I kept checking in with them during it to see if they were laughing. Don’t get mad at them, but I can’t tell you how disappointed I was at how petty and jealous some of them were acting. [Well Liked Performer], [Next In Line To Be Successful Performer], and [Up And Coming Performer With Talents Similar To But Surpassing Mine] kept cracking jokes the whole time. “It’s not funny,” is a phrase uttered by a person at the party. “I can’t wait to see this canceled,” was another phrase someone said. “This is cast wrong in all aspects, guys,” I noticed being said by someone who I thought was your friend.

But don’t listen to them. That’s crazy. [Name Of Show] was hilarious. I heard the audience laughing and commented on that aspect of it numerous times. The audience just understood the type of scenario in which [Lead Character], [Lead Character’s Wife], and [Lead Character’s Child] would get into that type of trouble. And the time you briefly appeared - I almost missed it! We had to DVR back because I was mentioning how audiences on TV sound compared to the real life audiences I’m used to - was really funny and a good representation of who you are as a performer. You have that “most of America” appeal that is going to get you far.

By the way, I love [Fat Character Name]!

And listen: the blogs are wrong. The fact that [Popular Blog], [Funny Blog], [Small, But Well-Respected Blog], and [Mutual Friend’s Blog] have the same lame [Pun On Name/Topic Of Show] only reveals how uncreative they are. And, you only appear for a few seconds in the first episode, so they’re not even talking about you really.

Okay! I know how busy you must be, so I don’t want to bother you more than I already have. Please don’t stress out too much. I heard that [Network Name] is pulling back on publicity for the show, so please take that time to relax a bit. Sleep in. Go to parties. Meet some [Girls/Guys/Girls & Guys].

Have a good one. You never know when this ride will be over, [Buddy/Dude/Kiddo], so please try to enjoy it while it lasts.

[Regards/Later/Peace]

[My Name]

P.S.: I’m attaching my headshot and writing packet to this e-mail. If you could pass it on to anybody, that would be so cool of you. I have good ideas.

Mike Drucker is a lovely man with many positive characteristics. He has written for Saturday Night Live, The Onion, McSweeney’s, and Nintendo. He’s also a stand-up or something, I guess.