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Jersey Shore Recap: Where Are the Juicehead Gorillas?

Yaaay, Angelina’s gone! Go home, you crazy, deranged witch! Anyway, the episode opens with New Mike — a.k.a. the saddest person in the world — pouring himself a glass of vodka after the whole dirty-pad debacle. Why is he still here? Go home; run away. Finally he does, but not without leaving his number. Says Pauly, “This guy definitely wrote down a fake number, because who would want to call Angelina after that?" Yes, exactly. Literally no one. Since there isn’t much in the way of physical objects from this episode to distribute, we’ll hand out glasses of vodka to the housemates who were most entertaining.

Sammi: No Glasses of Vodka
Sam’s basically dropped off the face of the earth, which is great, and when she does show up it’s only to wield a beauty tool and whisper things to the other girls in a raggedy stage whisper. “She did what?” “She’s going where?” Keep it up, Sammi, you’re doing fine.

Vinny: A Thimble of Vodka
Vinny barely registered this week, his main airtime having to do with a Nutella sandwich (“Yo, let's get into this Nutella, pimp”) and a special T-shirt (“My v-neck is so fresh that I skipped T-shirt time. Like, it defied the rules of T-shirt time”). Moving on.

JWOWW: Half a Glass of Vodka
Jenni’s boyfriend, Tom, leaves and Jenni cries. The end. Points to Jenni, though, for being the only one with the presence of mind to pull apart Snooki and Angelina during their hilarious hair brawl. She also tries to be nice to Angelina, or something, by sitting her down and telling her to stay. (Our notes from that part read: “WHY IS JENNI TELLING ANGELINA TO STAY?!” but thankfully it didn’t work.)

Ronnie: One Glass of Vodka
Ronnie had some one-liners this week! He acted mostly as narrator, providing such gems as "I love Pauly; he's going to have an alarm clock soon" (named after him? Programmed with his voice? In any case, we called that last week), and, on hearing of Angelina’s departure, "No hair off my back." Indeed. And then also, while narrating the Snooki-Angelina brawl, "Standing in one corner, four-foot-nine-inches, two inches with the pouf, Nicole Snooki Polizzi. Standing in the other corner, at 322 pounds, the Staten Island Dump!" Hahaha. He got you, Angelina! Also, re: Snooki, "She's so tiny. Her arms are like tyrannosaurus rex arms." Yes, they are.

Pauly: Two Glasses of Vodka
Pauly’s turning into a caricature of himself! He bops around waking people up, singing, doing voices, being adorable, always giggling. He’s definitely going to have an alarm clock soon. But also, haha, how have we never noticed that Pauly has a gigantic tattoo of HIS OWN NAME as a tramp stamp? We shouldn’t really laugh, because we have our own initial tattooed onto ourselves (teenagers make the best choices, everything they do is perfect), but also it’s hilarious. “PAULY.” Just in case he forgets. (“I know it starts with a P, hold up let me go check.”) Pauly gets some vodka taken away, though, for shamelessly spelling out the sexual double standard: “[Angelina] brought all these random people home. She's a girl — don't do that. That's a guy thing, guys do that, not girls." Well, probably no one should do that.

Snooki: Three Glasses of Vodka
Snooki’s on the prowl! Let’s talk about Snooki’s lists. Snooki spends her time working at the gelato shop (“working,” obviously) writing lists about what she likes, what she doesn’t like, and what she looks for in a guy. Here are those lists, transcribed.


I hate:
-Hangovers
-Boys/Jerkoffs/Fame whores
-Miami boys
-Spicy foods, spicy pickles
-Spiders, the dark, sharks
-Hard-core "techno"
-Fake people
-Smelly people
-People
-Party-poopers
-Debby downers
-Cookies (cooties?)
-My exes

Also, have you seen The Many Faces of Snooki? Whoever made it is a true scholar.

Snooki's ideal guy.
-Tan
-Guido juicehead gorilla
-Big sense of humor
-Likes to party
-Fist-pumps
-Frolics
-Isn't a jerk-off
-A dork at heart
-Smells good
-Pays for meals
-Nympho
-Likes pickles
-Takes an interest into my hobbies
-Is very protective
-Not so serious
-Romantical
-Likes to sleep in

Romantical! Best of luck, Snooki. But she’s also hypocritical this week, going after that dude Alex in the club who hooked up with Angelina (also, the peripheral guys on this show are so hot! Jose, Alex, Dennis? Good-looking dudes) and then coming home and calling out Angelina on her sloppy seconds: "Angelina loves my sloppy seconds, because she goes to Vinny, and then she's trying to go to what's his name. Like, what are you doing? If you want to make out with me, just ask. I will say yes." That’s probably true! Snooki also has a Match.com profile?! Please someone finddd it! Also, Snooki is looking for love in the Ed Hardy store.

The Situation: Three Glasses of Vodka
Mike “The Situation” reconnected with his DTF Canadian model this week, which is nice for him. She’s cute, but mostly she’s wonderful because earlier this week she provided this amazing interview, in which she likens Mike’s penis to her smallest finger. “Let's just say, I'm thinking of my pinky.” Ha. Credit to Situation, though, for trying to engage with Angelina on a rational level after she slept in his bed without permission like some idiot Goldilocks. Mike: "Just tell me, face-to-face, that you should have at least asked me." Angelina: "Drop it." Mike: "Who the fuck are you to say drop it? Drop your big ass." Angelina: "Drop your ugly face." Angelina, always with the killer comebacks! (But also, seriously, what is wrong with her? What goes on in her brain?)

Mike’s as sexually disgusting as ever, picking out (revolting) sleeping attire for Ms. DTF. She’s game, though, and she makes loud sex noises and then eats a sandwich (“sangwich” —Pauly).

Also, apropos of nothing, did anyone else notice this hilarious dude clapping at the club? Amazing.

Angelina: Five Glasses of Vodka!
Good-bye, Angelina! You are a terrible person and you clearly hate yourself, too, which is sad, but also you’re just so despicable and gross that we don’t even feel sorry for you, you’re just dreadful in every way. “Um, hello!?” — never again. Anyway, Angelina unravels completely, fully divesting herself of all logic and decency. "That's why I'm a bitch, because I can't deal with this, it's just, it's just. You know?" And also, "I've been very respectful to a lot of people, and I've let a lot of people step on me." Oh really? What does respectful mean again? Sleeping in other people’s beds without asking, never cleaning up after yourself, always screaming, hitting everyone, and leaving bloody pads on the floor? Word, just checking. "I am me, if you don't like it then don’t fucking look at me." And now we never have to again. But, of course, Angelina’s crowning moment, bellowed upward like some dying rhinoceros: “All of yous in the house are fucking fake, and I want you to know that I can't stand any of yooous!" (“Fake” = “hates me, with good reason.”) Everyone is DELIGHTED by the idea of Angelina leaving, obviously, but Situation somehow finds it within himself to ask her to join the rest of them for dinner and the club, to which Angelina responds, “For myself, I'm gonna figure out what I want to do. ... I'm going to figure out what I want to do, and I'm going to do whatever I want to do." Beep beep beep, smoke is pouring out of the motherboard in her brain.

But it turns out that what she wants to do is pack her bags, which is so wonderful, and then when everyone gets back from the club she announces her departure. She makes time for a quick hair-pulling session with Snooki, though, and she’s out. Everyone is happy, and now hopefully the show will be about JWOWW and Pauly falling in love like it always should have been.

Also, have you seen The Many Faces of Snooki? Whoever made it is a true scholar.

Photo: MTV