This week we witnessed the Descent of Mike from revolting creep to subhuman insect, scuttling through life in a bedazzled vest and indoor sunglasses. The episode started off so promising, too, with a Champagne-and-lobster dinner to celebrate Angelina’s departure, and with a surprise visit from Ryder, friend of Snooki and artistic genius. JWOWW also promised a trip to the club XO for some “sick Miami Vices,” which are awful-sounding cocktails made from rum and piña colada and daquiri mixes, but are also somehow our favorite part of this episode, so we’ll award sick Miami Vices to whoever was the most entertaining. Everyone really pulled their weight, so there are plenty of SMVs for all.
Ron: No Sick Miami Vices
Ugh, Ron and Sam need to stop lying down in their gross bed all day and doing nothing. Get up, walk around. Ron’s best moment this week comes when he calls Sam out on Situation. Sam: "If I were to ever meet him, I'd be like, 'hell no.'" Ron: "You did meet him. You made out with him." Ha. But get out of bed.
Sam: One Sick Miami Vice
For once Sam comes in ahead of Ron, thanks in large part to her hilarious hair-twirling showdown with JWOWW. (Imagine we’re looking at you but not looking at you, smoothing our eyebrows and just being li-eek, ummm, li-eek, ummm, li-eek, ummm.) Eventually JWOWW apologizes for the anonymous note, kind of — “Something I think I’ve never done before in my life is chew my pride back and apologize, so I am sorry, Sam,” “Um, thank you” — but it’s not quite enough for Sammi, who later explains, “I’m not gonna go get my nails done with her.” The rift is too deep. Oh, also, of course an extra SMV for almost telling filmmaker Snooki she masturbates before going to the club. "So, Sam, we're going to the club tonight, so what do you do to get ready? Do you masturbate before?" "Do you?" "No." "Me either." Almost.
Pauly: Two Sick Miami Vices
Pauly, human jack-in-the-box, now speaks only in his new voice: "Oh yeah, Champagne, yeah"; "Oh yeah, in the Jacuzzi, yeah." Take it easy, Pauly. But you earned your SMVs by palling around with soul mate JWOWW on the couch in the club, which made us so happy we felt ashamed.
Vinny: Two Sick Miami Vices
Vinny reconnects with Ramona, the girl who stood him up for the double date, and he takes her on a Sprite, Diet Coke, and vodka picnic. They splash in the waves with her tiny dog, about whom Vinny says, "You should put her dress back on so you can keep her warmer" (aw) and about whom this recapper dreamed last night. (In the dream we were on the sidewalk and saw the dog all alone, and we rescued it and got a reward.) Anyway, good for Vinny for getting her back, kind of, and good for Ramona for not falling into Situation’s evil clutches, although it’s clear she just wants to be on TV.
JWOWW: Three Sick Miami Vices
Even when Jenni doesn’t do anything she’s better than everyone else. If we were in a boob-squishing triangle with her we would only squish her boobs, not the other girl’s, no matter who it was.
Snooki: Four Sick Miami Vices!
Snooki and JWOWW “rescue” one of the lobsters from the lobster dinner by putting it in a glass bowl filled with tap water and keeping it "as a pet." "I'm not sure what lobsters eat,” Snooki says, “but I think they eat like insects or something. So I was going to feed them, like, worms?" Just a tiny glass bowl filled with worms and a lobster. Excellent pet. (“It goes in salt water, you idiot.” —Vinny.) Snooki also introduces us to her amazing friend Ryder, who is “the same person [as me]: She's real, I'm real; she likes to party, I like to party, and every time we're together we go crazy and be stupid." Ryder is hilarious and a treasure, and we don’t understand why no one creeps on her. Also, extra points to Snooki for introducing us to margaritas that have full bottles of Corona as garnishes. Points taken away, however, for likening Nutella to "a turd that won't get off your asshole."
Situation: Ten Sick Miami Vices!!
“Back in the day they had the prophecy that one day there would be the pimp of all pimps, and his name would be The Situation,” says Situation. Barf. “Everybody knows I’m a pimp. That's how it is, man.” Barf, barf. “My grandpappy was a pimp, his grandpappy was a pimp.” Keyboard covered in vomit. And yet, there is no rest for the pimpy, because all it takes for Mike’s hideous gremlin self to emerge are two nights of being sexually thwarted. Night No. 1 he’s got the magic vest on (“Every time I go out I do good with the vest” — it is, by the way, perhaps the single ugliest piece of clothing to ever appear on television), but girls aren’t into it because he keeps sexually assaulting them. “Can you stop, please?” asks one he’s dragged into his lap and is humping. “I’m, like, begging you.” Nice. After a couple of more failed assaults, Situation decides he’s through, and tries to drag everyone back to the house with him. Snooki doesn't want to, so there’s a huge fight about Snooki not wanting to go home and Situation wanting to go home that’s so stupid it defies description.
Night No. 2 the exact same thing happens, except this time Situation’s wasted out of his mind and basically looks like something someone scraped off the bathroom floor and sculpted into the vague shape of a human. First he tries to steal Ramona from Vinny (Vinny: “Mike might have a secret possible obsession with me"), and then, out of nowhere, he staggers up and lunges at Snooki, kissing her, revoltingly. She pushes him away, he demands to go home, she refuses, he hits her in the mouth. He hits her in the mouth. "I'm, like, the leader of this group, I'm the motherfucking daddy, and I say what goes. And if I say we're leaving, we're leaving." Except, of course, he’s not, he isn't, and no one leaves. And then, because everything isn’t quite perfect yet, he tries to slither his hand up Snooki’s skirt:
Amazing. Michael Sorrentino: gentleman, friend.
("Mike used to be really cool, but recently he's not himself. He's been, like, a creep and I really don't want to be hanging around with him." —Snooki. "He's just being negative and being sour [sow-ah]." —Pauly. "I don’t know what it is with Mike lately." —Ron. "Just because he can't get no fucking pussy doesn't mean he has to tell us to leave." —JWOWW. R.I.P., Cool Mike.)