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Jersey Shore Recap: ‘Usually You Don’t Have Sex With Your Big Brother’

Everyone is disgusting this week. Mike obviously leads the pack with his pathetic failed wingmanship and inability to take responsibility for it, but everyone else is pretty terrible, too. Or is boring. Except for JWOWW, who even though she doesn’t actually do anything, at one point wears the greatest outfit we’ve ever seen. Another highlight is when Pauly and Situation spray perfume onto their penises, so we’ll distribute pumps of crotch perfume to the most entertaining housemates this week.

Sam: No Pumps of Crotch Perfume
Sam, go fall down a well. You are the dullest, most miserable sack of flesh on this strangely wonderful television show. Waste of space. "I'm exotic-looking, right?" she asks. "You look Asian. I like it,” Ron replies. But apparently Ron’s ex is Asian, so all hell breaks loose, blah blah blah, no one cares. “Oo-I are you with me?” Sam crackles. Who knows. Ancient mystery.

Ron: A Tiny Spritz of Crotch Perfume, But Basically Nothing
Sam: "You're such a fucking asshole." Ron: "Everyone in this house knows I'm an asshole. You're just realizing that now?" What an idiot, and what an idiotic thing to say. He only beats Sam in the race to the bottom because he humps Pauly’s butt on the beach and wears a hilarious white vest to the club. It’s hooded, unzipped, and has sheer back panels, and it briefly steals the show.

Vinny: One Pump of Crotch Perfume
Vinny’s in loooove, but it’s painful to watch, because obviously Ramona feels no chemistry and just wants to get on TV. But she’s willing to make out with him, and possibly sleep with him, to get airtime, which is what, prostitution in its own way? Who knows. Oh, Vinny — a.k.a. William Wordsworth — also debuts a poem this episode: “If you got the phattest gear / and no one can come into your atmosphere / then you're a part of T-shirt time / and you will be until we yell ‘cabs are here.’”

Snooki: One Pump of Crotch Perfume
Snooki’s sad because Ryder has to go home (we’re sad, too). "I feel like shit right now,” she says. "Do you wanna go tanning?" JWOWW asks. She doesn’t even want to go tanning. Snook also creates some nonsense drama at Space, which is apparently the one nice club they’re allowed to bring their disaster parade into. She observes or imagines a beef with a couple of creeps, and before they know it the whole gang’s been kicked out. This despite Space apparently being the best place to find “guidos; juicehead gorillas; sexy, tan, sweaty boys; and house music." She does have a cute moment with Vinny, though, whom she apparently thinks of as her big brother. ("[But] usually you don't have sex with your big brother.")

Pauly: Two Pumps of Crotch Perfume
Pauly’s on edge this week, not quite his merry self. We almost feel bad for Pauly that his housemates are so brainless/young/repulsive that he can’t reliably use any of them to help him pick up girls. We wonder what Pauly’s friends at home look like. Anyway, Pauly brings some girls home with the intention to "Get these girls in bed, talk to them a little bit, and get it in." Of course this doesn’t happen, because The Situation's game is Date Rape Lite. Pauly later explains it to Vinny: “He got rejected, and then he makes it like, ‘Oh she's a grenade,’ but he tried and tried and tried. I didn't have to try. I never had to try. You're in fucking bed with Pauly D.” Uh-oh. The curse of referring to yourself in the third person.

The Situation: Three Pumps of Crotch Perfume
Stupid, terrible Situation is the ultimate man-grenade. Mike starts the episode apologizing to Snooki, which is definitely called for, but he does so with a fistful of cash, and for a second we actually think he's going to give it to her. “I had a bad day, baby, I’m sorry,” and here’s some money. Wouldn’t put it past him, obviously. “I didn’t want you to be by yourself while you were drunk.” Huh? Situation is criminally incapable of taking responsibility for his actions, but Snooki doesn’t care and accepts his apology and his gross kisses. (We actually had to turn our head away at this point.)

After Snooki and Situation get everyone booted from the club, Pauly and Situation bring presumably DTF girls into their beds but leave the hideously bright overhead lights on. (Why didn’t at least one of them go in the smoosh room? Pauly, get it together.) Situation's girl, however, immediately recoils from his lizard touch. Pauly's girl, watching in disgust, says to Situation: "You're awful. Why isn't there a real barrier?" No kidding. Eventually both girls call it off, and Situation gives his girl a Vitaminwater for her troubles. "Don't come over to someone's house at fucking 5 a.m. and expect to just to watch them play checkers," he says. "I never said anything about checkers, old man."

The same thing happens the next night, of course, when Pauly and Situation find some busty blonde Canadians and then Situation's busty blonde Canadian suddenly remembers she has a fiancé and has to go home. Situation then promptly, perfectly cock-blocks Pauly.

Oh, and then later their car gets towed, which is somehow a plot twist. Ugh, what an episode. It should also be mentioned that Situation, unable to express himself verbally, apologizes to his housemates in food, cooking an elaborate Sunday feast and offering to clean it up afterward: “I’ll help you guys clean, even though I cooked.” Meaning “I'm sorry that I'm horrible, I know that I am, I just can’t admit it because I'm terrified to shine that bright a light upon myself.”

Mike also wears these pants:


JWOWW: A Full Bottle of Crotch Perfume
Maybe there could be a show about the time a reality star and the person who recapped her show forged an unlikely BEST friendship that could possibly lead to more? Anyway, JWOWW, you don't do much this week, but it doesn’t even matter, because you wear this:

Where did you even get that? Not pictured: a bandeau-style fishnet “skirt” with pink hems, and black sneakers. Sneakers! Of the outfit, Snooki says, “She looks so good, she looks like the ultimate stripper.” Yes, she looks amazing, obviously, and, as she explains, “I got the beats in my head already.” Jenni! Jennnniiiiiiii!!!! Maybe Jenni and this recapper could make a show about starting a cab company in Miami, because clearly those are in short supply.