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The Real Housewives of D.C. Recap: The Subtext Translator Fails

Topic 1: Does Michele really have MS (Part 2)?
Tareq: I’m disappointed with the behavior that someone would accuse someone, anyone, let alone Michaele, of not having an illness as serious as MS. I think it’s a disgrace that they would accuse anybody if they don’t really have that illness.
Andy: What?
Lynda: I think it’s very sad if this is what it took to bring that out if it took a book like you just pulled your last card in the deck so that’s that you got left? THAT’S WHAT YOU GOT LEFT? YOU GOT THE JOKER!
Tareq: I know it hurts to see her with me.
Lynda: Every time I do, the wound is freshened.
Andy: Okay. Let’s check it out this montage in which Tareq and Michaele live like rap stars without any money. Has your lifestyle been securitized as collateralized debt that China is buying? What’s the deal?
Michaele: Actually, yes.
Tareq: And we never pay for cake.
Michaele: Big savings there.

Topic 2: Can the Salahis afford a house?
Andy: Why did you ask Stacie to drive you around to look at houses? Did you just need to be someplace warm and dry for a while?
Tareq: Stacie never sent us an invitation requesting the pleasure of our income.
Stacie: You live in a refrigerator box, don’t you?
Michaele: What do you think we mean when we say we are very open?
Cat: Why did you borrow a house to film in? Do you even own a house?
Tareq: Isn’t that how this game is played? Come on, guys! This is getting weird. You know I work in the produce department at the Food Lion, right? How else do you think I got those grapes for the stomping? How come you keep pretending you own things? Why would anyone do this show unless they were desperate?
Andy: So, you’re broke, in debt, squatting on an abandoned Dynasty set, chronically ill, friendless, ugly and flat-assed. What’s with pretending to live the life of Housewives of Beverly Hills? Do you get that there’s a dichotomy?
Michaele: Dichotomy? We use condoms, Andy.
Tareq: We’re just humble farmers. We’re in charge of those little sprinklers that mist the lettuce every half hour.

The menfolk are summoned from backstage. Ebong is forced to put down his sandwich and spring into action, defending his tiny, defenseless lady friend from Tareq Salahi’s menacing scumbaggery.

Topic 3: Did Lolly really steal your car?
Tareq: Well she posted something on Facebook about her friend’s hat. Doesn’t that make her an accessory?
Andy: I think you’re thinking of the hat.
Tareq: Right.
Rich: Why won’t you admit that you wore your ass-hat that night?
Tareq: Because. That ass-hat belonged to Mr. Merlot. My ass-hat was repossessed.
Mary: Lolly Amons is not a crook!
Stacie: The Washington Post said that Lolly was not involved in any investigation.
Tareq: The Washington Post said we crashed the White House!
Michaele: Yeeeaaah. They are a very reliable publication. It makes me smile. Absolutely.
Andy: We’re not going to get anywhere here, are we?
Michaele: Yeah, I agree. Totally. What are we talking about again?

Topic 4: Who invited you?
Andy: What’s with you guys getting into all the parties when clearly you don’t belong? Are you passing around hors d’oeuvres or what?
Michaele: We’re very much in demand, especially when holding a tray of goat-cheese tartlets.
Andy: Jason the Hairstylist says you crashed the Congressional Black Caucus dinner and were escorted out by security.
Tareq: Yes, well, he’s gay.
Andy: The head of communications for the Congressional Black Caucus confirmed it.
Tareq: Yes, well, he’s on drugs.
Andy: How many tickets did you have?
Michaele: I had one ticket! I never saw it! I can simultaneously hold two truths in my mind! I am a metaphysical marvel!

At this point, the subtext translator completely breaks down, unable to detect any further hidden meanings in the text. Andy Cohen calls it a quagmire. Direct questions are countered with bald lies. The whole thing is reminiscent of a Bush-era press conference. The subtext translator cannot work under these conditions.

The Housewives, who for some time have been devolving into a pack of outraged fifth-graders, act out in increasingly juvenile ways — pretending to fall asleep while the Salahis spin their bullshit, pretending to stalk off the set.

Repeated attempts to extract truthful answers from the Salahis about the events leading up to the White House State Dinner crashing incident are met, repeatedly, with stonewalling and filibustering. Clearly, the tactic here is to eat up as much air time with as much bullshit as Cohen will allow. The scene is tense. The situation spins out of control.

A dim picture begins to form, despite deliberate obfuscation by Salahis, in which we see that the couple tried to turn potential inclusion in the receiving line (when it was being held outside) into a situation in which Michaele would find herself I a position to fondle Vice-President Joe Biden’s nipples and have the incident captured on film. From there, the couple knew it would be a short step to world domination.

Increasingly aware that he has been used as a pawn in a game of international intrigue, and Cohen grows increasingly agitated. Ebong lapses into catatonia. Mary repeatedly keels over in her chair.

Cat shares the heartbreaking story of being uninvited from the White House for her association with Michaele. Michaele responds that she knows humanity, and it is too benign to ever uninvite anyone from the White House Christmas party. Cat loses her shit.

Salahis continue to maintain their innocence. Michaele starts to whoop like a crane. Chaos ensues. Finally, Mary puts her finger on the issue at the heart of the Housewives anger: You hijacked our show. Because of you, nobody cared about our charities or hairstylists or our very tall boyfriends. You robbed us of the attention we so desperately craved. And for that, you must suffer.

Photo: Bravo