Officially, Red — a shoot-’em-up comedy starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, and John Malkovich as retired CIA agents lured back into killing people, in theaters today — was inspired by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner’s comic-book mini-series of the same name. But unofficially, Red is the product of an inevitability. After years of shoot-’em-ups starring strong people and funny people and beautiful people and regular people and married people and foreign people and one black person and one white person, we have arrived here: the shoot-’em-up starring old people. What took so long? In tribute to the occasion, Vulture stayed up all night drinking green tea and eating Cookie Crisp and dreamed up pitches for eight other movie subgenres overdue for their old-people movies.
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