Last night, the staff of this very blog mingled with glamorous celebrities at New York’s Soho House in celebration of Vulture’s recent relaunch. In attendance: the one, the only Tracy Morgan, who posed for pictures and made a few opening remarks to kick-start the party. “There are a lot of pretty ladies here,” he told the crowd, setting up his personal catchphrase: “Somebody’s going to get pregnant. Somebody’s going to have my daughter.” After the jump, a few highlights from his appearance. (Sensitive readers should perhaps skip to the next post.)
• “It’s dark in here, right? I feel like I got a tumor or something. They asked me to come up here and do some comedy. This is New York Magazine, right? You all computer geeks or something? I don’t know even how to use computers. [He addresses guest Maulik Pancholy, who plays Jack Donaghy’s assistant on 30 Rock.] Maulik, do I have a computer in my office? [Maulik shakes his head.] I don’t even have a computer. I don’t even how to turn them off. It start making noises, I just pull the plug out. Someone got on some good cologne back there. Someone has some good cologne on back there, too. It’s cheap, but it’s good.”
• “The name of this is Vulture? Y’all are launching a new one? Okay, so when are y’all launching? When’s my check gonna be ready? NBC still owe me from three years ago. Right, Maulik? They owe us checks. Why you not up here, Maulik? You came to see me? No you didn’t, Maulik.”
• “People are socially challenged. Like women. Especially women. This is confrontational, this shit I’m about to do. You all go to the club, y’all make men feel like fucking shit. Dancing with each other, standing right there — come on! Cut that shit out! They’re not lesbians, so cut the shit out! You’re wasting everybody’s time! I’m not into girl-on-girl action. I’m into two girls and a cup! That’s my shit. I wonder what that call was like. They probably put an ad on Vulture. Called two girls from Connecticut: ‘Hey what you doing, Sally?’ ‘Nothing.’ ‘You wanna come eat this bucket of shit? I’ll give you two bucks.’ That’s freaky.”
• “I like to go to the supermarket and watch grown women shop for cucumbers. Stand right behind them beating my dick — ‘Pick that big green one!’ This is too much, right? You wanted it, motherfuckers, now you got it.”
• “I just gotta be careful of gold diggers out there. That’s the thing, I got money now, so I got gold diggers comin’ out the woodwork. I went out to dinner with one last week. She ordered lobster and I was like, ‘You know that lobster tail is three fingers up the butthole, minimum?’”
• “I like crippled women. You ever have sex with a woman with like a broken foot? Room smells like ass and Ben Gay or something. Hospital. [His phone rings.] This might be someone right now giving me a booty call … It’s my mother.”
• “Y’all young people, always communicate. Always talk to your partner. You know how to keep it together — you gotta role play. I’m divorced now, but we were married for 21 years, and me and her used to role-play. Used to play prison. Make her drop the soap. One time I got her a Girl Scout outfit, told her to go outside and knock on the door and sell me some cookies. She went, ‘Mister, want some butter-crisp cookies?’ I walk out in my boxers and my dick hanging out and go, ‘Come in little girly. I’ll buy two boxes.’ Then I fuck the shit out of her. Then we ate the cookies.”
• “Any gay guys in here? I’m friends with all kinds, I’m friends with all kinds. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke. I’m making fun of everybody. White people, black people, niggers, other niggers. I want everybody in here to say the word ‘nigger’ out loud. It’s liberating. Y’all want to say it on three? One, two, three. [Silence.] You gotta free, come on! It’s 2011, goddammit.”
• “Fucking Bin Laden! They know where he at. They know he’s at one of those gyro carts across the street from Madison Square Garden. Motherfuckers talking about they can’t find him … Yeah, but you can find my cousin Derek! And that motherfucker moved down south and got a sex change.”
