1. Taylor shops for toddler-appropriate diamonds
Taylor: Oh, hello, merchant friends. Thanks for coming to my poker tournament!
Jeweler Man: Are you kidding? With the kind of money you drop in here, I’d attend your next teeth cleaning.
Taylor: So, my daughter’s turning four, and I’d like to make it all about me by buying her diamonds.
Lady Jeweler: Four is exactly the right age to be introduced to obscene profligacy, absolutely.
Taylor: I was an only child, so when I had Kennedy, I was like, “What do I do with this? It’s sticky.”
Lady Jeweler: Let’s find her something really big and vulgar. Something that says “Trophy Wife in Training.”
Taylor: I guess I was looking more for something that says, “I’m special” — me, I mean. Not her.
Jeweler Man: Of course. That’s why we designed these diamond-encrusted mom-and-daughter Barbie logo pendants — ideal for the mom who uses her kid’s birthday as an excuse to celebrate herself.
Taylor: Perfect! And I’ll take 25 of these Barbie necklaces as party favors, too. If a kid is gonna lose interest in something I gave them before they even get home, I want it at least to be something that cost a small fortune.
Lady Jeweler: Is this what they call hate-spending.
Taylor: Listen. How else am I going to get out my aggression? It’s not like we have sex.
2. Lisa roasts beef while fretting about her genetically inferior adopted son
Lisa: See my daughter over there? Gorgeous. Valedictorian. Double major at Pepperdine. Going out with Prince William’s body double over there. Can you believe that guy? Sure, I named her after the character from Greek mythology responsible for bringing evil into the world, but that’s what we do where I come from, Posh Britannia. If I’d had another girl I would have called her Andromeda. She was chained to a rock to be eaten by a sea monster. Or Demeter. That’s the one who was raped by her son, Zeus. Or Persephone Io is nice, too. Whatever — as long as she was raped by Zeus, I would have been with it. What? You think it’s weird? Well, it fucking beats “Kennedy,” that’s for sure. Anyway, my point is, my genetic material is clearly of a caliber that is beyond anyone’s comprehension. Can my poor adopted son help it if he’s a screwup who wants to attend a “school” for musicians on Hollywood Boulevard? We were going to adopt more but then didn’t. For obvious reasons.
3. Maloof appalls the help
Adrienne: I run multimillion-dollar companies, but motherhood is the hardest job I ever had. For instance, I have three kids. Can I remember their names? No. Jesus. Wait! Not Jesus — Christian! I knew it was something like that. Anyway, I’m the laid-back one. Paul has a hard time leaving work at the office. Like sometimes I walk in on him stuffing bags of silicone into the sofa cushions, or marking up the dog with a magic marker.
4. Camille suffers, oh how she suffers, before she suffers
Camille: I’m going to Hawaii with my kids for spring break. It’s really hard! I have to talk to the house manager about making sure my hot tub gets heated.
5. Meanwhile, Taylor wants to make sure that her kid’s “event” is “upscale and gorgeous.”
Taylor: I’ll be inviting 25 little girls and 35 ladies What?
6. Meanwhile, in another undisclosed neighborhood, Kyle makes spending $3,000 on a party planner for a 2-year-old seem frugal and down to earth
Planner cooperates by being fat and wearing a trucker hat.
Kyle: I’m all about the kids. Let me be really emphatic about that. Not like some people. Here, watch me mother flawlessly.
Taylor: Even though I know Kennedy’s going to enjoy herself and everything, whatever, I want to do something for the grown-ups, too. I mean, they had these fucking children. They had to. For the child support later What?
While downstairs, Kyle mingles with the party-planning proletariat
Party-Planning Prole: So, youse ladies wanna booze it up, or what?
9. Camille gets the rest she so richly deserves. Her boobs remain at attention.
Camille: Oh my God, Hawaii is so awesome? It’s like somebody made the place just for me to relax in. At home I’m soooo busy. I have huuuuge responsibilities. At least 30% more than the other housewives. Stop staring at the nannies. How dare you question my busyness? My busyness knows no bounds. Hawaii is my spritual retreat. What does spiritual mean again?
Friend: I’m going to pretend to feel sorry for you and how “hard” you’ve had it since Kelsey took off to “act.” It must be hard.
Camille: Don’t stop.
Friend: But now you have the chance to take control of your life and go back to being the awesome, take-charge person you were before you gave up to save Kelsey’s life. You were a go-getter and then you lost that after you went and got Kelsey. How’s that? Good? More? Are we doing this by the hour, or ?
Camille: If it weren’t for me, he’d have choked on his own vomit by now. We wouldn’t have “Hank.” Or “Back to You.” He owes me $30 to $40 million.
10. Max surprises Lisa on her birthday, then surprises her again.
Lisa: Max is here! Oh, but now he wants to go to this “Musicians Institute” on Hollywood Boulevard.! Why not just matriculate at Guitar Center University and call it a day, while you’re at it. Plus Hollywood Boulevard. Isn’t that in Hollywood? Don’t you get addicted to crack just by walking down that street? Oh, Max. Poor, poor genetically inferior Max What’s this? You made a guitar? With your hands? So now my son is a manual laborer, grand. At least your father had the decency to work with his feet Sorry, darling, I didn’t mean it. This is quite an accomplishment, especially considering how desperately, cripplingly insecure you are. Did you know his first words were “I can’t?” Yes. I’ve been retelling that story since he was in diapers. I think it’s sunk in by now. Remember, darling. You “can.” Who’s my little underachiever, hmm? Mummy loves you!
11. In the hot tub, Camille collects interest on handouts to her hangers-on
Camille: All right, moochers. Start kissing my ass.
Friend Carl: Is it OK if all my comments are sexual in nature?
Camille: Of course, but I will remind you on-camera that I’ve given you money, too.
Friend D.D.: You and Kelsey are generous. Total generous generosity. You’re X-treme generositiness. Generosity, thy name is God, I wish I’d never met you.
Camille: God likes me better than you.
12. Lisa, Ken and Max tour the “Musician’s Institute” and learn that drugs are not allowed.
Lisa: Do you have a problem with drugs?
Admissions Dude: No. We keep the riffraff out.
Lisa: Will you make an exception for my son?
13. Kim moves into her new house, is defeated by an appliance.
14. Kyle calls Kim and asks her to come to Portia’s party early
Kim: I’m moving into my new house.
Kim: Well, yes, and here is a barrage of details.
Kyle: How dare you not drop everything and be here for me? How dare you give me details. I’m going to walk away from my phone now. Now I’m going to pick it up again and critique your talking style. I am hell-bent on your psychic destruction. Doorbell’s ringing! Gotta go. Gotta go. You suck. Love ya. Shut up. Bye.
15. Taylor’s Gone with the Wind on the Houdini Estate
Taylor: Hey, meet Dwight. He’s my best friend. Is he straight? That’s for me to know and you to find out. Hey, Kennedy! Look at all of this for you! They made all this pretty stuff for you! Let’s take some pictures! No? OK. See what I care. Go play with your nanny while I get my pictures taken and giggle. Look at me, whee!
16. Camille gets empowered some more
Camille: Not only is being without Kelsey empowering, paddle-boarding is empowering, too. The power is intoxicating. Soon, I will take over the world!
17. Portia’s Bargain Birthday — only $12,000
Kyle: I love kids’ birthday parties because they remind me of being a kid Look, there’s the pig wrangler.
18. Kennedy’s Sad, Sad Home Movie to Remember Forever
Taylor: Look at this party! It’s so lavish! There are $6,000 worth of flowers and $4,000 worth of tea sandwiches alone plus, champagne! Does it bother me that my little brat of a daughter doesn’t appreciate everything I do for her? Like throw her boozy tea parties for my closest friends and frenemies? That’s not my problem. I’d rather blow $60K on a tea party and pretend it’s for her than just blow $60K on a tea party. Lisa wouldn’t do that. I bet Lisa would just spend it on shoes. Oh wait. It’s time for my toast. Here’s to Kennedy, wherever she is, but also and especially here’s to me for having her and all of you for having your own assorted children, and here’s to us again for being parents, which is so, so hard. So hard. Especially when your kid refuses to have fun at a cocktail party! I mean a “tea” party! Whatever. Here’s your cake and your theme song. Oh, you don’t like your theme song, either? You’re “overwhelmed?” Someday, you’ll look back at this and appreciate the personal branding efforts.
Taylor: Present time! When I was young, my grandmother gave me a diamond ring. It’s something I remembered my entire life, because that’s when I vowed to attach myself to the highest net worth individual I could find, no matter how slug-like and repugnant. And I did! Someday, I hope Kennedy will look back on this day as her first step toward sexual parasitism
Wait, Russell! What’s in the box? Seriously? A puppy? You’re giving a 4-year-old a puppy? What are we, spoiling her now? With things she might actually “like?” Thanks a lot, Russell. Thanks for overshadowing my present and ruining my party
Kennedy’s party. Whatever.