Comedy’s New Year’s Resolutions

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As we close out the powerhouse year that was 2010, now is as good a time as any for the comedy community to look back at the year that was. While there was a lot to be thankful for (The Daily Show saving humanity, for example), there was also a lot that we could honestly change.

A whole, whole lot. A whole Outsourced load.

But, in the spirit of keeping this short and not just Here’s-What-Mike-Drucker-Hates, here are comedy’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2011.

5. No More Comedy Martyrs

Let’s try to make this year the one in which a show cancellation due to sloppy business practices isn’t given the same gravity as the betrayal of Christ. Every time we’re tempted to invite Oprah to explain ourselves to Middle America or get booked on 60 Minutes so we can stare off the camera with dead eyes because we were paid millions of dollars to do comedy somewhere else, let’s not do that.

While it might make us feel less important if we stop claiming that our persecution at the hands of the deep ones is actually just showbiz, we can still make people laugh without also making them feel bad for enjoying one rich white man over another.

4. Establish Definition of “Comedy;” Send to Golden Globe People

Because right now, the definition seems be “movies that aren’t as good as dramas we liked but still have Johnny Depp.”

3. Accept Parallel Thinking

Get over the fact that two television programs that employ 25 people to generate material will sometimes come up with the same “Palin is stupid” joke. Sometimes stealing really does happen. And sometimes it’s easy for a few people to think Brett Favre’s dick hanging out is pretty funny.

No more lynching people because they had an idea for a sketch about fashion that featured hats in similar sizes to another show’s sketch about an entirely different subject.

2. No More Shows Based On Twitter

Shows based on Twitter are the new book deals based on Tumblr: it was neat when it started but now it’s just causing late-comers to create comedy death marches.

Twitter is a fun and and sometimes hilarious place to experiment with fun and sometimes hilarious material. The least we can do is not create novelty accounts that force us to repeatedly click “Replies” to see how our product is testing with the “audience.”

1. No More Jokes That End In The Phrase, “Because it’s gay!”

Not even no more gay jokes. No. We’ll save that for 2012 after Americans have adjusted to having to support troops that also support Six Feet Under See what I did there?

Just no more jokes that use the word “gay” as its strongest punch. It’s not that hard. Most of us are professionals. All of us have experienced some form of comedy before. We can all do better than “you’re so gay” as a trailer-worthy line.

Mike Drucker is a lovely man with many positive characteristics. He has written for Saturday Night Live, The Onion, McSweeney’s, and Nintendo. He’s also a stand-up or something, I guess.