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Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Our Girl Is Getting the Help She’s Needed for a Long Time

[Editor's note: This week's recap recapper, Annie_in_NY, has rewarded all your hard work with a holiday poem rather than a standard intro. Enjoy her take on "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" and check out your best comments, below!]

'Twas the Night After Gossip Girl
'Twas the night after Gossip Girl, and all across the net,
Not an editor was stirring, not Intel Jessica nor Intel Chris quite yet,
The recap was posted on Vulture with care,
With the hopes that many commenters soon would be there.

In Brooklyn, the Humphreys were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of vegan waffles danced in their heads,
With Rufus in his plaid flannel, and Dan's hair oh so soft,
They had just settled down for a nap at the loft.

When on the Upper East Side there arose such a clatter,
Eric sprang from his bed to see what was the matter,
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the drapes and threw up the sash.

The moonlight it shone, on the new fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of midday to Park Avenue below.
When, what to Eric's wondering eyes should appear,
But a stretch limousine, and one tiny chauffeur.

With such a mysterious passenger, so outdated a phone,
Eric knew in that moment as he heard Gossip Girl's ringtone,
More rapid than eagles, her text blasts sent and came,
Across town every phone beeped, as Gossip Girl texted each by name!

"Now Jenny! Now, Dan! Now, Chuck and Serena!
On Blair! On Eric! On Nate and Vanessa!
To the top of Columbia! To Brooklyn and Central Park!
Text away! Text away! I know your deepest secrets even in the dark!"

Eric asked her outright, "Is it your website indeed?"
"I'm Gossip Girl of course, what proof could you need?
I cannot resist the truth, any more than Georgina could resist a lie."
And she went on to describe each of them, in the twinkling of an eye.

"First there is Blair, dressed in couture from her head to her heel,
A clandestine affair, an enemy to destroy or a truce set to seal.
Faithful Dorota close at hand, baby Anna on her back,
And a loaf of bread for the ducks, tucked away in her pack.

"Jenny had schemed and then failed, her hair extensions as well,
Blair's banishment to her? Upstate without eyeliner, her personal hell.
Manhattan was quite quiet without Vanessa's self-righteous judging,
Since she too ran upstate, just as quick, without nudging.

Serena's eyes, how they twinkled! Her cleavage rhombus how merry!
Another black-tie event, with her mother and step-fairy!
Each week a new beau, dating the city's every suitor,
First Lonely Boy and Manbangs, now a teacher who tutors.

Nate's father, just out of jail, abandoned by his spouse,
The Captain heads to the Empire, his new halfway house,
Lily's secrets they spilled, each one left uncovered,
And her children left wondering, how badly were they mothered?

Chuck spoke not a word, but went straight to his scotch,
For his dead father's legacy, his stepmother did botch.
Flying out to New Zealand, Bass Industries to save,
With Jack Bass on his side, he can take what he once gave."

Gossip Girl suddenly sprang to her phone, new secrets to release,
"In the city that never sleeps, the gossip will never cease!"
But Eric heard her exclaim, as she drove out of sight,
"Happy Holidays to all! And to all a scandalous night!"

Realer Than Serena Making Love Eyes at Ben Five Seconds After Asking Dan to Road-trip With Her:
• After four seasons we find out that the mother of all evils wasn't in the headband of power, the signature scarf, the cleavage rhombus, the raccoon eyes or even crazy ass Georgie. It was in Lily's Birkin Bag. Plus 50 for throwing us for a loop. —STILETTO33

• Plus 5 for Gossip Girl’s post after the opening credits. I don’t care if Josh Schwartz himself issues a denial--nothing can convince me that “Serena seeks support” isn’t a shout-out to the brave costume department minions who's job it is to wrangle Blake's bountiful bosoms into costume each week. —HOOKED ON BASS

• +10 for Blair looking like Nancy Drew and Dan one of the Hardy boys. —BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS

• In the boarding school flashback, Serena fails to dance on the beat like every other blonde socialite. Accurate. Plus 5 —CANADANIC

• “no you stupid bitch" might be the most amazing line ever uttered on gossip girl. and it wasn't even Blair who said it. +10 to Juliet for her one moment of awesome. —CHUCKBASSISMYBABYDADDY

• We all know nerDamien's only friend at boarding school would have been a basketball-playing Golden Retriever. Actually, minus the basketball part, that pretty much is Serena, so +5 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• When Rufus calls Lily out on (at least) her second glass of scotch that day, Lily says she has to "go get ready," then appears in next scene wearing an almost identical outfit. I guess getting ready involves drinking until you don't feel bad anymore about ruining the lives of your children and stepchildren. +15. —BLAIRISMYGRACEKELLY

• I love how Rufus and Lily are now just filling opposite gender roles from the 50s. She has a tough business meeting and starts drinking at noon. Rufus timidly suggests it's a little early. She completely dismisses this and continues to plot. They travel to vacation separately because "he needs time to think," which will end with him continuing to suffer in silence. I can't wait until next episode when we meet the hot and impressionable young assistant she's been banging. Plus 5 —EMMYLOSER

• Serena was downing absinthe and talking about poetry with a teacher. She's Edgar Allen Hoe +10 —SARCASTICMEOW

• +40 for Lily's earrings mirroring the evolution of her character. The more evil she gets the bigger and shiner the earrings become. Pretty soon she will be wearing actual chandeliers. —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Was it just me or did Blair and Dan's new relationship feel a lot like two siblings, with the bickering in the car and washing dishes together. Plus 10 for consistency because that's how Dan rolls, but minus 50 for the ick factor. —NURSELUVBASS

• Oh, that Nate Archibald is such a gentleman. Of course he gets up to clear the table when his wife--oops, I mean Dan--complains about slaving over a hot stove all day. Too precious. +5 —EBK2102

• Nate is so thoughtful to go shopping for his dad. The Captain might look even funnier in flannel than in an orange jumpsuit. Plus 3. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• Serena wearing a sparkly mini-dress to see Ben should be +2, not minus. The girl wears sequins whenever she has to do something important-meet with the dean to defend having a relationship with a professor, profess her love for Dan, apologize for forged rape allegations....it's like her version of a power suit. —SOUTHERNCOMFORT

Faker Than Even Serena Instantly Forgiving Someone Who Tried to Murder Her
• Minus 10 for Blair even mentioning a Metrocard! Our Queen B would never risk being flashed by a homeless man while voluntarily mingling with plebians! —JNP1013

• Blair reading a map for directions? No. She wouldn't even touch a map without gloves. -5 —APATHYONMYSIDE

• Serena: If you saw a photo of yourself on the internet doing cocaine, what would you think?
Therapist: I wouldn't know what to think, I would never do that.
Minus 5 because judgment much? I thought the Ostroff center was supposed to be top of the line, not Dr. Phil league. Leave the uppity values at home, Doc Unprofessional. —KDOW3

• -15 for Constance taking Serena back especially after she allegedly slept with a teacher. Some schools want scholars or athletes, Constance welcomes scandalous trainwrecks. —HOYAGIRL05

• Ben has been sending Juliet menacing, omniscient texts all season, but the moment someone is in danger and a phone call is actually necessary, he is not allowed an extra turn at the payphone? Minus 10. —CCSEB

• An affidavit is not something the police would have allowed Lily to take home to Serena in a to-go box. They normally like to watch people sign those. Minus 3. —DACEYLEE

• Lily's parenting skills rival Kate Gosselin's, but with more plastic surgery and less kids. Minus 10. —UESIDERZ

• Juliet sighs that yup, Ben's going to jail for no reason because the Van der Woodsons are powerful and they're a bunch of nobodies. Wouldn't this be a good time to call your all-powerful billionaire cousin for the name of a better lawyer? Minus 10. —GHOONIO

• Nate's mom would listen to him more if he had his bangs down. Isn't it frustrating when Samson doesn't know his own strength after all these seasons??? -5 points —MANGOPHD

• No matter how poor Juliet claims to be, there is no excuse for turning toe socks into a dress. Minus 3 —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• There is no way Chuck would ever allow a parent to move into the Basscave. -3 —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• The revelation of Lily's evil was pretty interesting to watch, but -20 for not having CeCe there to say Star Wars like, "Lily, I am your mother. Join the dark side". —TOOOLDFORTHIS

• Minus 2 for the "one week later" typeface being Helvetica and not Futura like the previous seasons. —SIGNATURESCARF

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW