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Gossip Girl Really Likes the Sound of a Vacation

This week we saw an overflow of burning disgust for Serena and Dan’s trip down relationship-drama lane and an equally vehement debate over whether the no-blood-relation factor keeps their love on the legit side. We’ll just have to wait and see what exactly will happen to everybody’s favorite socialite/hipster duo (return of half-brother Scott, anyone?). As for the machinations of the “Witches of Bushwick,” few tears were shed over the rapid exit of Juliet, Jenny, and Vanessa, except by the cosmetics and hair sponsors of the show, who will surely lose money when the excessive need for eyeliner, hair dye, and frizz-ease suddenly evaporates. So, without further ado, sit back and enjoy this week’s recap of the recap, hopefully as much as Nate enjoys staring meaningfully into Dan’s eyes whilst sitting on his front stoop.

Realer Than Lily Taking Parenting Advice From Dan
• When S wakes up from her drugged out coma, she blinks her eyes a little and without hesitation, calmly reaches over to dial 911. Old habits die hard +3 - NIKOLE0602

• So Vanessa gaslights Serena to get her out of Dan’s life, then proceeds to bring up Serena in every possible conversation. Looks like the only kind of sabotage V excels at is self-sabotage. But we already knew that from her sartorial choices. Plus 10 - HOOKEDONBASS

• "You will do no such thing. She dropped out of college, she refuses to return our phone calls- she's a GROWN WOMAN, THROWING TEMPER TANTRUMS JUST TO PUNISH ME." The hysteria Lily delivers these lines with is almost too dramatic until we realize it’s Lily, and well, like mother like daughter. plus 5 - NOTENOUGH

• Serena is staring at the wall when Dan walks into her room at the Ostroff Center but then picks up her InStyle and pretends to read. +15 - BLAIRISMYGRACEKELLY

• +5 for Dan actually telling Nate that kids can't get their divorced parents back together. At least he remembers how badly it went when he and Jenny tried it. - MIMI52000

• +5 because Serena, even after going through a boarding school teacher situation that sent someone to prison, was still willing to get involved with her Columbia instructor. - REDPEPPERS

• After Dan (somehow) broke Serena out of Ostroff's, he clearly realized he was probably making a mistake and wanted to get caught. Why else would he have taken Serena to the loft, the first place anyone would look for them? Plus 3 for figuring out how to play the hero without suffering the consequences. - EMMYLOSER

• If every Park Avenue blonde got shipped off to rehab for snorting a little yayo, Bergdorf's would be out of business. - 100 grams. - SARCASTICMEOW

• +10 because only Dan would be self righteous enough to tell Lily that she is a bad parent thinking that his summer of daddy day care with Georgina's baby makes him more qualified and a better parent. But let's be honest, it probably does. So +5 more. - HAVAWEBER

• Nate's mom says that Nate has always held the family together, forgetting or glossing over the times he convinced his dad to turn himself in to the authorities instead of escaping as a family, repeatedly declared that he would never speak to Grandfather again, and punched out Tripp, whom we haven't seen since. Plus or minus 7. - PURPLEANDGREEN

• Jenny to Blair: Like it or not, you know me. Well, obviously NOT, but +5 for the rare moment of self-awareness. - PURPLEANDPAISLEY

• Plus 20 for it being directed by Tate Donovan! Now if only they could get Judd Nelson to do an episode... - POLISHPIEROGI

• The Dan and Blair pairing at the end of the episode was so predictable given that Blair wore a flannel dress for the entire duration of the episode. Plus 10 to the costume designers for clever foreshadowing. - NEVERHAVENEVERWILL

Faker Than Rehab Allowing a Picnic Basket Full of Wine Glasses and Sharp Knives
• I thought Serena was used to waking up in a strange bed surrounded by pills (pre season 1) so that 911 call is uncharacteristic. Minus 5. her first thought should have been: Hangover - GIPSYQUEEN

• -20 for Vanessa suddenly being okay with having Thanksgiving dinner with Dan and Serena, only days after being so consumed by jealousy that she tried to destroy Serena altogether. - JM21

• -10000 points for the Archibald lawyer A) leaving the divorce papers with his client's child who is most likely oblivious to the divorce proceedings B) for it being unsealed and C) hand delivering it himself. - HOYAGIRL05

• Serena says, "I see they sent in the big guns." Dan should've looked at his biceps and sheepishly said, "Oh these." (-2) - CHUCKISMYHOMEBOY

• Juliet is NOT Buster Bluth. She cannot “brother” anyone. Minus 7. - CUNDELA

• Serena says ‘Vacation. I like that.’ with a hardy sigh. What do you call your summer in Paris ? And all of last year ? And practically every day of your senior year ? Minus 5. - CCSEB

• It's nice to know that Rikers has such an extensive guest sign-in procedure with two rent-a-guards at a makeshift podium, a clipboard, the equivalent of "Hello! My Name Is" sticker passes, and inmates roaming freely among the family members in for Thanksgiving. Is Daddy Archibald being held in the combo gym/cafeteria at Constance? Minus 10 - CLASSOF2008

• In keeping with accurate timing of the show, WHERE is Dan's moustache? Minus 1, because clearly a self-righteous hipster such as he would be celebrating Movember. - IMNOTSLYDEXIC

• "She's not just some girl you saw at a party anymore..." I seriously thought Lily's next line was going to be "She is your sister" -10 for not finally acknowledging the incest and really putting Humphrey in his place. - CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• Serena is doing coke in the picture but it didn't show up in any hospital testing? Wrong. Even Serena would catch that there wasn't any coke in her body, just in the pictures. EVEN SERENA. Minus 20 - COURTNEYPAIGE

• -50 for the lack of information sharing going on in this episode. How is it that Jenny managed to tell Rufus that three people were involved with trying to take Serena down, one of which is the same psycho that's been gunning for her all year, and this doesn't seem like information he should discuss with Lily? Of course then he would have to mention Vanessa's role so perhaps he was just protecting his true love? - FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Why would Juliette want $5,000 a month and not one huge check. Is she going to give Lily a forwarding address while she's on the run? -a bazillion - ASHOU

• Minus 7 for Chuck´s reserved behavior in the limo. It was noble. It was rational. It WASN´T Chuck. - CINDERELLE

• -100 for the five seconds of terror when I thought that Blair went to Dan looking for a rebound. The thought of them hooking up, followed by a weepy discussion on the nature of love and heartbreak is too awful to think about - yet still somehow preferable than Dan wanting to date somebody that he shares a sibling with. - BASSINPOCKET

[Editors: Also, we know, you're right, it was a pumpkin pie.]

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW