(Ghostwritten by Alex Scordelis, a man)
3 AM: My alarm goes off. Women in comedy have to be early risers! My alarm clock is a giant TV screen that plays this, the perfect sketch, to wake me up and inspire me.
3:30 AM: Commence the baking! I pop a batch of blueberry muffins in the oven, and then listen to the Louis CK episode of Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.
4:25 AM: Ding! As soon as Louis CK starts crying about how beautiful it was when his children were born, I know my muffin crusts have turned a golden brown and are ready to be pulled from the oven.
4:30 – 8 AM: Muffin time! Also, during these hours I go into the bathroom and turn all the lights out so I can watch six episodes of Hot In Cleveland on Hulu in the tub. It’s important research for the Hot In Cleveland spec I’m writing, which is tentatively titled, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Slims?” My agent tells me that everyone’s writing Hot In Cleveland specs this year.
8:30 – 9:30 AM: My daily workout! Every day, I play basketball with my all-ladies team at the Chinatown YMCA. We’re called the Bad News Bitches, and we’re in first place, mister. I’m the starting point guard and averaging 16.4 points per game.
10 AM – 11 AM: Back at home. Watching Kathie Lee and Hoda, and smoking Salvia during the commercial breaks. Hey, lay off — it’s like my white wine!
Noon: My daily pow-wow with Rivers Cuomo from Weezer. Rivers, who’s a close personal friend, has called me every day at noon for the past 8 or 9 years to ask for career advice, which I happily dish out. I’m like the Linda Perry to his whoever it was that Linda Perry mentored. I think Rivers is doing superb work these days. A fun fact is that Rivers Cuomo loves Asian girls. That makes two of us! Just kidding. But I do think that Tiger Mother has a lot to teach us about being good parents to violinists.
12:30 PM: Emailing! One my favorite ways of emailing is by sending links to embarrassing things people I hate have posted online to friends of mine. “WHAT A MORON!” I might add. Another fun way of emailing is complaining about things that aren’t capable of hurting me physically in any way. I also might write a friend about how depressed I am or how much I hate writing, instead of writing. Is this about my Hot In Cleveland spec again? Hey — It’s not NOT about it!
1 PM – 3 PM: Time for Twitter! Tweeting is a major part of the modern comedian’s life. I spend 2-3 hours a day catching up with my close friends on Twitter, like Debi Mazar and Harry Hamlin. Sometimes I’ll retweet my @ replies to them and sometimes I won’t! LOL.
3:30 PM: Cry in the shower, thinking about how Entenmann’s used to sell that fat free devil’s food loaf thing and now they don’t. Cheer up when I realize I could use that in a funny bit! I’ll have to tell everyone I had that idea in the shower, when they’re too shy to ask later how it was I got my idea. I never consider whether or not they’d like to picture me naked. I’ll also tell them about dreams I had!
4-5 PM: I go outside and try to catch a cab, BUT THERE ARE NO CABS OUT AT THIS HOUR. I go back inside.
5-6 PM: Think about Cher. Isn’t it crazy that Witches of Eastwick and Moonstruck both came out in 1987? She must have been on Cher-roids that year.
6-7 PM: I go to the NBC Experience Store and purchase 20 pairs of The Biggest Loser sweatpants to give to all my friends for Valentine’s Day. Yeah, I have 20 friends! It’s a real burden, but it’s also a blessing.
7-8 PM: I meet my book editor for martinis and nibbles at Toots Shor’s. Most people think Toots Shor’s closed in 1977, but it actually just relocated to Paramus. Or maybe I’m high on Salvia in my bathroom again. It’s hard to tell. You know what’s NOT hard to tell? How adorable Betty White’s naked breasts look from back in Black and White Photo Times. I send a link to these pics to my grandmother with a winking emoticon as the subject header, then pat myself on the back for being such a successful Woman in Comedy.
9-10 PM: Time for my second dinner! This one is mostly cereal-based. You know what they say about cereal — It’s a dish best served cold.
12-1 PM: Back at home. Watching Lopez Tonight & taking notes. Learning from the master.
Julie Klausner is a woman and the author of I Don’t Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated. Alex Scordelis is a man and Julie’s co-writer on The Cat Whisperer for Atom.com.