In the pursuit of some higher objectivity, let's declare a bias: This particular blogger wishes nothing for Britney Spears so much as a truly excellent single, if not one quite on the majestic order of "Toxic" — because, real talk, what's on the order of "Toxic"? It's too high a bar — at least a song that throws some elbows at "Hit Me Baby," "Oops," and "Stronger" in an attempt to make room for itself in the Spears canon. Alas, Spears's new single "Hold It Against Me" does not belong in such vaunted company. This despite the fact that it has been produced by Dr. Luke and Max Martin, has an undercover killer of a chorus that plays like the sweetie pie "Sometimes" got remixed as a dance track, and also contains a doozy of a double entendre. (Chorus: “If I said my heart was beating loud / If we could escape the crowd somehow / If I said I want your body now / Would you hold it against me?" Um, excuse me, hold what against you exactly?) What's bringing this song down — and, fair warning, it's not bringing it down far enough to keep it from getting stuck in your head — is a mess of a spoken-word bridge that sounds like dozens of effects, including Spears's voice, have been thrown into the Cuisinart, and similarly overstuffed verses that don't play nearly as power-pop clean as the far superior chorus. While this song is fun enough to dance to at a club and rock out to in a car, Spears isn't really going to be in top form until she can prevail on Dr. Luke and Max Martin to sell her the higher-quality stuff they're currently dealing to Katy and Avril.
Most Viewed Stories
Erykah Badu’s Soulful Remix of Drake’s ‘Hotline Bling’ Has Instructions on When and How to Call Her
What’s New on Netflix: October 2015
Stephen Colbert Gave a Searing Monologue on Guns, Trump, and ‘Honest Insanity’
Tom Hiddleston Does His Robert De Niro Impression for Robert De Niro
The Martian Soars
What You Need to Know Going Into Homeland Season 5
Sorry, Matt Damon, the Plan to Rescue Someone From Mars Hasn’t Even Been Created Yet
See How Well the Cast of Wet Hot American Summer Has Aged
Janet Jackson Embraces Michael’s Influence on Unbreakable, Her Best Album in 15 Years
Step Aside, Hair — This Kit Harington Interview Finally Has Something More Definitive to Say About Jon Snow and Game of Thrones
Latest News from VultureJunot Díaz Can’t Stand Trump’s Immigration Talk
“America is as addicted to immigrants as it is addicted to cocaine; you withdraw immigrants from this country, America would just be a shivery, shitting-itself wreck.”Don DeLillo on Gun Violence, New York Life, and Writing
The acclaimed writer discussed violence in real life as well as his work.Toni Morrison Has Some Words for the New York Times
The iconic novelist takes issue with what she calls the media's "manipulation" of words and language.11 Things We Learned at the New Yorker Festival’s Broad City Panel
The stars of Broad City are just like us: They think New York is hard, get nervous around Maggie Gyllenhaal, and smoke "pussy weed."Haim Wants to Bring Back Lilith Fair
Imagine a music festival where Taylor Swift, Lorde, Florence and the Machine, Savages, and Chvrches all performed...Stephen Colbert Gave a Searing Monologue on Guns, Trump, and ‘Honest Insanity’
"One of the definitions of insanity is changing nothing and pretending something will change."Jafar Panahi’s Taxi Is a Strange, Wonderful Film
Panahi may be a terrible driver, but he's become a world-class chronicler.Seth Rogen Wants to Circumcise James Franco (For Charity)
The proposed snipping would benefit the fourth annual Hilarity for Charity.Gugu Mbatha-Raw Added to the Neverending List of Potential Star Wars: Episode VIII Actresses
This is turning into Thunderdome.Taika Waititi Might Direct Thor: Ragnarok, Making Him Marvel’s First Nonwhite Director
He previously directed Flight of the Conchords.
A cause does not a movie make.Marvel is Developing a Damage Control Sitcom
They're the crew that cleans up after superheroes have destroyed the city.Sorry, Matt Damon, the Plan to Rescue Someone From Mars Hasn’t Even Been Created Yet
Could the thrilling rescue in The Martian happen in real life?Tori Spelling Uses the Excuse of a Lie-Detector Test to Basically Brag About Banging Two Guys on Beverly Hills, 90210
On an upcoming episode of Lifetime's Celebrity Lie Detector.Oscar Futures: Does The Martian Have a Real Shot at Best Picture?
Who's up? Who's down?Tom Hiddleston Does His Robert De Niro Impression for Robert De Niro
"May I call you Bob?"Everything We Know About the New Ghostbusters
Including Channing Tatum's Ghostbusters 4 fantasy and the status of slime 2.0.Bill Withers’s Distinctly American Music Lives On, Perhaps More Than Ever, at Carnegie Hall
The reclusive singer-songwriter abruptly exited the spotlight in the 1980s, but his legacy continues to flourish, particularly this year.A Fantastic Opening for National Sawdust
"Directed not to one constituency but many."Cannon Films: A 10-Part Appreciation of the Studio That Revolutionized ‘So Bad, It’s Good’ Movies
What other studio was crazy enough to deem Chuck Norris its leading man, and bet big on a Stallone arm-wrestling flick?