In the pursuit of some higher objectivity, let's declare a bias: This particular blogger wishes nothing for Britney Spears so much as a truly excellent single, if not one quite on the majestic order of "Toxic" — because, real talk, what's on the order of "Toxic"? It's too high a bar — at least a song that throws some elbows at "Hit Me Baby," "Oops," and "Stronger" in an attempt to make room for itself in the Spears canon. Alas, Spears's new single "Hold It Against Me" does not belong in such vaunted company. This despite the fact that it has been produced by Dr. Luke and Max Martin, has an undercover killer of a chorus that plays like the sweetie pie "Sometimes" got remixed as a dance track, and also contains a doozy of a double entendre. (Chorus: “If I said my heart was beating loud / If we could escape the crowd somehow / If I said I want your body now / Would you hold it against me?" Um, excuse me, hold what against you exactly?) What's bringing this song down — and, fair warning, it's not bringing it down far enough to keep it from getting stuck in your head — is a mess of a spoken-word bridge that sounds like dozens of effects, including Spears's voice, have been thrown into the Cuisinart, and similarly overstuffed verses that don't play nearly as power-pop clean as the far superior chorus. While this song is fun enough to dance to at a club and rock out to in a car, Spears isn't really going to be in top form until she can prevail on Dr. Luke and Max Martin to sell her the higher-quality stuff they're currently dealing to Katy and Avril.
Most Viewed Stories
Game of Thrones Has a Gay Problem
Okay, But Who’s Going to Kill Cersei Now on Game of Thrones?
The Best TV Shows of 2016 (So Far)
What’s New on Netflix: July 2016
The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: The Twilight Calzone
Game of Thrones’ Dean-Charles Chapman on Why Tommen Was Always Doomed and Face-planting on a Crash Mat
Game of Thrones’ Aidan Gillen on Littlefinger’s Motives and Why Sansa Is Becoming More Like Him Every Day
What Will Happen in Game of Thrones Season 7?
Master of None’s Shoukath Ansari on Auditioning Against 18 Actors to Play Himself, Baby Aziz, and Donald Trump
The Best Songs of 2016 (So Far)
Latest News from VultureTV Land’s The First Wives Club Reboot Has Now Found All of Its First Wives
Vanessa Lachey, Alyson Hannigan, and Megan Hilty will headline.Daniel Craig Maybe Almost Bankrupted Skyfall With a Pair of Tough Guy Leather Gloves
The plot hole police are gonna love this one.Maxwell Drops blackSUMMERS'night, First Album in 7 Years
The man took his sweet time.Demi Lovato Drops 'Body Say' Because Her Body Told Her To
Lovato dropped it right away because, "whats the point in waiting anymore."The Daily Show Says Goodbye to a Teary Jessica Williams With a Big Ol' Bear Hug
She also did one last segment.Zac Efron and Adam DeVine Are Two for Sure Real Life Friends Being Torn Apart By Fans Who Just Want to Rumble
Not even Adam DeVine's relative "treasure troll"-ness can tear these two buds apart.Thirteen Recap: Sex, Lies, and Videotape
Is Ivy Moxam headed for a psychotic break?Ghost in the Shell Producer Defends Scarlett Johansson Casting, Film's 'International Approach'
"Ghost in the Shell was a very international story, and it wasn’t just focused on Japanese."Gay Talese Distances Himself From The Voyeur's Motel, Says 'Its Credibility Is Down the Toilet'
"I should not have believed a word he said."New War Dogs Trailer: It’s Like The Hangover, But With Jonah Hill, Miles Teller, and War Profiteering
Directed by The Hangover’s Todd Phillips.
The sequel has also landed a February 18, 2018 release date.Apple Is Reportedly In Talks To Buy Tidal
The battle over which streaming service will emerge victorious continues.The Original U.S.S. Enterprise Lives Long and Prospers at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum
Resistance is futile.Adnan Syed of Serial Is Getting a New Trial
"This was the biggest hurdle."Amy Poehler Has Some Solid Advice for All of You
At this year's Vulture Festival.Harry Potter’s Tom Felton Joins CW’s The Flash
He'll play Barry Allen's co-worker.A Dissatisfied User Is Suing Netflix for Raising Its Subscription Fees
You lie!Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West’s Love Story Is Getting the Movie Treatment
Chanya Button is set to direct the movie about the writers’ affair.Everything We Know So Far About The Grand Tour, the Top Gear Hosts’ New Amazon Prime Show
The format! The locations! The cars!Lindsay Lohan Is Writing a Book About ‘How to Overcome Obstacles’
"I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place."