Last night, after being roasted by Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes, Hollywood’s most glamorous celebrities repaired to the after-parties to remind themselves that, even with damaged egos, they’re still way richer and better-looking than regular people. A team of Vulture reporters was dispatched to Los Angeles this weekend to chronicle the loose talk and boozy mayhem. After the jump, Vulture’s epic party time line, starring Mila Kunis, Armie Hammer, Andrew Garfield, Helena Bonham Carter, Jon Hamm, Chris Noth, Robert Pattinson, Olivia Wilde, Leighton Meester, and many more!
9 p.m. As event planners scramble to ready the seventh-floor penthouse of the Chateau Marmont for W magazine’s pre–Golden Globe party, Jenna Jameson and her ex-UFC Champ husband Tito Ortiz are the sole celebrities entertaining the press on the red carpet in the hotel’s parking lot.
9:15 p.m. Mila Kunis rushes by in casual attire, looking vaguely horrified to be sharing breathing room with an adult film star. She’s followed by Amy Adams, who says she’s most looking forward to going home at the end of the night to her new baby girl.
9:25 p.m. Melissa Leo, looking buttoned-up in a Calvin Klein pantsuit, reveals her secrets for being a badass: “Oh, those shoes. That’ll help you out. And then you get your fanny squished into a dress and you put a little ring of flounce around it. You know what I mean?”
9:35 p.m. Partygoers start arriving from the Critic’s Choice Awards. Entourage’s Perrey Reeves says she’s determined to have a good time even though her show wasn’t nominated. “Six years in a row is a pretty good run.”
9:40 p.m. Helena Bonham Carter arrives, having pulled together a black outfit straight out of a Tim Burton movie, including a headpiece that seems to be sprouting black lace out of her head. She explains that while she feels “safe” working with both her husband and The King’s Speech director Tom Hooper, there are significant differences. “See, Tim hates me talking too much. But with Tom I’m allowed to talk. Except I couldn’t talk too much because, really, he talks nonstop.”
9:45 p.m. As HBC walks down the red carpet, she stumbles and literally trips, falling into the arms of a young, very slight male reporter, who struggles to keep her upright. She gasps and thanks him before carrying on.
9:50 p.m. Frustrated by inane questions about things such as his favorite brand of cookie, The Social Network’s Armie Hammer takes the printed list from one reporter and begins ticking off answers: “If you weren’t in show business, what would you do? I’d probably be a professional vagrant. How do you feel about being a role model? I’m not. How do you feel about astrology? I think it’s amazing. I’m a Virgo. What do you wear to bed and why? We both sleep nude, that’s kind of the deal. We’re newlyweds.” The stunned reporter simply gives up and takes his photo with her camera phone.
9:52 p.m. Hammer says that when he heard Andrew Garfield was going to be in the cast for The Social Network, he went back and watched Boy A. “Watching him in that … it was astounding, beautiful. When I heard he was cast, I was like ‘I gotta know this dude. I gotta watch this’ and then I was like ‘Crap, he’s a better actor than I am. I got to bring my A game.’”
9:55 p.m. Julianne Moore, exiting the party rather early, has some trouble navigating the cobblestone driveway. “It’s hard to walk in these things!” she exclaims to no one in particular, gesturing to her severe Nicholas Kirkwood black heels. She laughs and catches up with her two companions.
10 p.m. Jennifer Love Hewitt, with boyfriend Alex Beh, says the one role she would have wanted this year is, “the little girl’s role in True Grit. If only I were a little bit younger. But she would have still beaten me out in an audition.” Also she was dying to talk to Mark Zuckerberg at the party. “How do you do something like that? It’s amazing. I want to know how he became a billionaire, the ins and outs.”
10:05 p.m. Bill Maher rushes by with a very young woman, followed by Juliette Lewis, who says 127 Hours was one of her “faves” of the year, both for the music, and because, “It was about these really deep themes, really layered, about unity and resilience and family and all these things that you’d never expect when you hear it’s a movie about a guy who gets stuck in a rock and has to cut his way out.”
10:15 p.m. Mena Suvari, now on NBC’s The Cape, offers advice to first-time nominees, like Jennifer Lawrence from Winter’s Bone. “Just enjoy it. And really make sure that you’re present in every moment. And stay true to who you are. I remember after American Beauty and the success I honestly thought that every movie made $100 million. I had no idea. And then you’re pulled in a million directions and you can kind of lose yourself. So I think it’s important to always keep your voice. Because that is going to keep you solid.”
10:30 p.m. Inside the party on the seventh-floor penthouse, guests mostly avoid aggressively offered trays of crab cakes and cupcakes. Annette Bening and Warren Beatty circulate the room with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Quentin Tarantino holds court on the patio, gesticulating wildly to a posse of young nerdy guys and Juliette Lewis.
10:50 p.m. Steve Coogan, crossing the room with date China Chow, stops to congratulate Paul Giamatti. The men have a friendly, laughing conversation while Chow watches, her face never breaking its evening-long pout.
10:55 p.m. A tipsy twentysomething girl approaches Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine, introducing herself as one of his biggest fans. She then pauses to take stock of Levine’s entourage — which, for now, includes Mark Ruffalo — and begins chatting up the movie star instead.
11 p.m. Helena Bonham Carter, looking a bit dazed and circling the party alone, uses Vulture as a crutch to help her step from the patio back inside the suite. Vulture, as always, is just happy to help.
7:30 p.m. At the HBO Golden Globes party at 55 Circa Restaurant in Beverly Hills, Richard Kind is the first actor to turn up. But it’s the arrival of Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt, looking like the Prom King and Queen of Hollywood, that makes everyone take notice.
7:47 p.m. Was Hamm as taken aback as viewers when Don proposed to his secretary Megan in the season-four finale? “I knew that it was coming. Matt [Weiner] and I had talked about it,” Hamm tells us. “Nothing happens in our show that isn’t sort of set up or doesn’t happen for a reason. To be fair, we have not actually seen the wedding. So we’ll see what happens, if there is in fact a season five.” (Don’t worry, Jon, you’ve still got a job).
7:48 p.m. Westfeldt hugs Hamm and smiles when a reporter asks the couple, who’ve been together for seventeen years, for relationship advice. “Choose well,” replies Westfeldt.
7:51 p.m. True Blood’s Adina Porter says her character is always “at church drinking or at home drinking.” She teases that the new season may find her “Maybe drinking. Maybe something else. Either way, God is with me.”
7:56 p.m. Hung’s Thomas Jane arrives with a cigar in hand. We ask for his top picks in fashion. He names January Jones — “She’s sexy,” he says — and Halle Berry. “Those are the two highlights for me.”
7:57 p.m. Jane was also a big fan of host Ricky Gervais. “He was funny. He was hard on the Hollywood Foreign Press. He made a comment about dropping their teeth in the toilet, which was pretty risque,” he laughs. “He’s not going to be calling them up for help any time soon. But I like Ricky hosting the show. It keeps it young and fun.”
8:16 p.m. Robert Pattinson is escorted by two security guards down a staircase and into the party.
8:23 p.m. “I’m wearing Sears Roebuck,” jokes Chris Noth, nominee for The Good Wife.
8:24 p.m. A reporter points out that the camera caught Noth laughing when host Ricky Gervais made fun of the Sex and the City 2 poster. “Was I laughing?” says Noth. “I was probably crying a little too. We didn’t ask them to do that. I didn’t tell Warner Bros. I felt confident enough not to be airbrushed. It was a little airbrushed. He was right! He’s a little airbrushed himself, though.” Noth is not optimistic about the possibility of another Sex and the City film — “I think they crushed it,” he says — but then changes his tune a little. “I’d be up for it. Why not?” he says. “The people came to see it in droves. So you never know. Never say never.”
8:26 p.m. The real Temple Grandin gets her own personal escort into the party.
8:32 p.m. Boardwalk Empire’s Steve Buscemi didn’t have a chance to call his mom to tell her about his win for Best Actor in a TV drama series because she beat him to the punch. “My mother called me while I was doing my interview with Billy Bush,” he says.
8:40 p.m. The NBC/Universal party is just getting under way, but Annette Bening and Julianne Moore are arm in arm in one corner of the room, posing for pictures and smiling broadly after The Kids Are All Right’s win for Best Comedy.
8:45 p.m. Paris Hilton sits down to eat, all alone. It’s unnerving to see Hilton at all, let alone eating or without an entourage.
8:50 p.m. Jimmy Fallon enters with wife Nancy Juvonen in hand, and his arm is almost pulled out of socket when he speeds up and she obliviously stops to say hello to a friend.
8:51 p.m. Danny Huston from You Don’t Know Jack smokes the second red-carpet cigar of the evening. Like fellow cigar man Thomas Jane, Houston liked Gervais: “The highlight of the show was the wonderful insults that our friend Ricky was handing out there,” he says. “I must say, I do enjoy them. They’re ironic. And we have to learn to laugh at ourselves. At times, they were risqué, but God bless him for that.”
8:57 p.m. Inside the poolside party, hotel guests can be seen gawking down at the partygoers from their balconies. Some are putting the zooms on their cameras to use and are trying to take pictures.
8:59 p.m. How I Met Your Mother’s Jason Segel, cigarette in hand and shirt untucked, and Country Strong co-stars Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester stand together, chatting by the dance floor. Meester comments on the “crazy” woman shaking her hips all by herself. Nearby, Glee’s Matthew Morrison stands in a circle with Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black and several others.
9:10 p.m. Clifton Collins Jr. and Norman Reedus are apparently good friends, because they’re doing party laps together.
9:11 p.m. Olivia Wilde’s billowing dress forms a protective shield around the actress as she sits eating.
9:15 p.m. The party spills over into the hotel restaurant, which feels like a sauna. Despite the heat, we spot many actors in the crowded room, including Gary Shandling, Bill Maher, Helena Bonham Carter, Dennis Quaid, Claire Danes, Hugh Dancy, and Big Love’s Anne Dudek, whose husband is showing off an iPhone picture of their child to January Jones.
9:18 p.m. A handler tells Juliette Binoche that January Jones is sitting nearby and would like to meet her. She heads over to greet her.
9:20 p.m. Aaron Paul, who’s returning to Big Love this season as Sarah’s (Amanda Seyfried) husband, assures us the series finale is “great.” “You’ll like it,” he promises us.
9:27 p.m. Robert De Niro enters the NBC/Universal party, and the usually recalcitrant star is outgoing and still in a great mood, perhaps riding the high from his DeMille Award acceptance speech.
9:28 p.m. We spot Nia Vardalos and her husband Ian Gomez from TV’s wine-loving Cougar Town. Gomez is carrying a glass of something that is definitely not wine. We tell him it’s weird to see him without; he laughs and identifies the drink as bourbon. “I’m going to bring it on the show,” he offers.
9:31 p.m. A middle-aged man in a kilt is tearing up the dance floor at the HBO party.
9:32 p.m. Looks like Bonnie Hammer is cheating on NBC/Universal. The NBCU Cable Entertainment and Universal Cable Productions president is mingling at the HBO party.
9:34 p.m. We ask Jack McBrayer, who plays the sunny Kenneth on 30 Rock, why he looked happier than most of the night’s winners. “I still can’t believe I’m invited to these things,” he replies with a giant grin. “It’s a hoot.”
9:35 p.m. The NBC/Uni shindig is a party full of bromances: Now, Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo have their arms around each others’ shoulders as they talk to some very attractive ladies.
9:37 p.m. Former Heroes star Masi Oka hits the bar with a pretty blonde who resembles actress Brittany Snow.
9:38 p.m. Outside the party, producer Lawrence Bender turns to his date, “Do you want to do red carpet?” She does.
9:40 p.m. January Jones comes over to Helena Bonham Carter and exclaims, “You’re my style icon! I had to tell you that.” “You are amazing!” HBC gushes back.
9:45 p.m. Over by the buffet, Kate Flannery tells us that The Office might need to get an outside person to replace Michael Scott. Who’s her dream pick? “Ricky Gervais,” she answers. We ask her what she thought of Gervais calling Steve Carell ungrateful during the ceremony. “That was fantastic,” she laughs. “Never gets old.” If Gervais does come on the show, hopefully, he won’t have to deal with what recent guest star Timothy Olyphant had to overcome. “Poor thing. His first scene and it’s with Meredith,” says Flannery with a smile. She adds that the door is open for Olyphant to return, “but he’s no Ricky Gervais.”
9:48 p.m. Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” gets the fortysomething crowd dancing.
9:54 p.m. Forget all the makeup, hair, and dresses: The prettiest person at the NBC party is The Event star Ian Anthony Dale, who is working the room like he’s seen his show’s ratings and has to get it in while he still can.
9:55 p.m. Robert Pattinson and Andrew Garfield hug. Garfield’s girlfriend, Shannon Woodward (Raising Hope), takes a seat nearby as the two talk. Pattinson’s two bodyguards are still in tow even though, surprisingly, the actor is not being swarmed by photo requests.
10 p.m. Garfield tells us he’s not sure why his other film, Never Let Me Go, and its cast was mostly overlooked this awards season. “I don’t know why people respond to some movies and not others,” says the Social Network nominee.
10:01 p.m. At the Uni party, ladies are swarming Mark Ruffalo for pictures, which is appropriate, since he’s got a red rose pinned to his tux lapel as though he just came from the prom.
10:02 p.m. We pass by Emma Stone before exiting the party and discover to our surprise that her dress is backless.
10:03 p.m. Old Spice guy Isaiah Mustafa checks out the huge dessert table at NBC/Uni, but refrains from indulging. The tribulations of a shirtless celebrity pitchman.
10:04 p.m All night, celebrities have been studiously avoiding the dance floor, but in his corner of the room, Mark Ruffalo can’t help but dance to “Empire State of Mind.”
10:05 p.m. Still, D.J. MC Lyte is not getting much of a sing-along when she periodically drops out the sound, expecting the audience to supply the missing lyrics. These people are too soused on Champagne, Lyte! “Commit,” she says. “Commit to the process.”
10:15 p.m. Over at the Weinstein/Relativity Media bash at Bar 210, also at the Beverly Hills Hilton, Scott Patterson, currently on The Event, but probably better known for Gilmore Girls, gets in line with us and asks us to take a picture of him with his date. He tells us NBC took The Event off the air because they’re “reworking it” and want the writers to “get ahead.” He believes the network will give it a promo push when it returns.
10:33 p.m. Patterson and his date are getting restless in line. “He’s on The Event? Can we skip the line?” she asks. “Unfortunately not,” replies a staff member. Meanwhile, actor Eric Winter bypasses the line and goes inside the party.
10:45 p.m. Half an hour later, we make our way into the party, where we’re greeted by the sight of the Hilton sisters dancing to a remix of “Bette Davis Eyes.” Not in sight: any of the rumored food from Bouchon. Aside from tables of fruit, cheeses, olives, and deli meats, there’s nothing to eat. The far roomier party also doesn’t seem to have as much talent as the HBO bash.
10:52 p.m. A security guard points Boardwalk Empire’s Kelly Macdonald and her friends to a separate area where they can smoke.
10:56 p.m. The dancing guy in a kilt at HBO’s party has made his way to the Weinstein/Relativity party and is congratulating Colin Firth on his win. We spot a mini-burger on a plate at Firth’s table, so there must have been food at some point.
11:07 p.m. A partygoer says that Firth and Helena Bonham Carter have left the party. Just when we begin to wonder if there are any recognizable faces left, we spot Mark Ruffalo and Ryan Gosling, sitting near Olivia Wilde. We don’t recognize Wilde by her face, which is pointed away from us, but by her unmistakable, overwhelming skirt.
11:16 p.m. A partygoer accidentally flashes us with her nipple. After a couple of seconds, she finally notices her fallen strap.
11:27 p.m. Paris Hilton keeps getting stopped by people wanting to take pictures with her as she exits the party. She barely walks two feet as she obligingly stops at least five times for photos.
11:35 p.m. We make a second attempt to get to Gosling, but an impenetrable crowd has formed around the actor. Disappointed, we make our way out of the party.
11:41 p.m. Helena Bonham Carter is walking to the valet with Jane Seymour, but sans her differently colored shoes.