Some people spent Martin Luther King Jr. Day in quiet reflection, thinking about what they can do to make the world a better place. Others spent it watching a weeble-wobble soothe her itchy anus in a mini-fridge. That was just one of the many wonderful moments that made this special holiday episode of Jersey Shore so compelling. Here now, this week's Filthy Dozen:
1. The Fantastic First Four Minutes
Before we could even settle in with our fried pickles and ether shots, Snooki drunkenly ate an entire raw potato and tried to grab Vinny's wiener! Oddly enough, this was Snooki's most dignified moment the entire episode. We quickly learned that Vin's pet name for his penis is "Seabiscuit," presumably as a nod to the Depression-era racehorse who overcame tremendous odds to become a champion thoroughbred. But is this the most apt metaphor? We don't want to step on anyone's balls here, but perhaps a better name for Vinny's junk might be "Barbaro," since the only humane thing to do would be to put it down.
2. Mike's Heartfelt "I Have a Dream" Speech
Deena likes Mike. Snooki is Deena's friend and would like to see those two get together. So, Snooki decides to break the ice in the only way she knows how — by grabbing a two-liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch and yelling "threesome!!!" Thus, we are treated to The Situation's pointed paraphrasing of Dr. King's unforgettable words: "Every guy has a dream ... of having a threesome with two women, obviously — maybe not Deena and Snooks." However, Mike clearly will not judge the girls by the color of their skin (orange), or by the content of their character, and leads them down to his fake-wood-paneled Promised Land.
3. Snooki's Bait and Switch
But wait! Before things can get started, Snooki leaves Mike's room, turning his threesome into a "D-Some"! Snooki decides to go to Vinny's and sexually assault him in his sleep instead. She's rebuffed for the second time (before the first commercial, even!) and then gives young women a valuable lesson in self-esteem by wishing out loud that Vinny would just "stop caring and fuck me, man!"
4. The Saddest Fridge in America
Who among us hasn't suffered the discomfort of an itchy rectum? You can all sheepishly raise your hands. But, who among us had the idea of rectumfying that problem by sitting bare-assed in a mini-fridge while eating a bag of Cheez-Its? Snooki! While the ingenuity of her solution is to be commended (it did make her feel better), we can't help but wonder if this was environmentally sound. Probably not, for a variety of reasons, but it did make a pretty solid argument for having two fridges in the house. Especially since she concludes her therapy session by saying "I have to poop." Of all the words you don't want to hear when someone's perusing your fridge with their anus, it's those four.
5. The Saddest Couple in America
What a letdown: going from Snooki's "Anus & Cheez-Its" (which is a great name for a potential morning-zoo radio duo) to yet another boring SamRon fight. Who knows what this one was about, but Ron apparently needed a "mind condom" because he was being "mind fucked" by Sammi. Blech. At least he wants to practice safe mind sex.
6. The Emancipation of Sammi
Pauly, Snooki, and Sammi head out for another backbreaking shift at the T-Shirt shop, where a newly enlightened Sammi decides that the creepy break room is the perfect place to apologize to Snooki. Sammi acknowledges that Snooki did indeed have her best interests at heart in Miami, and the two share a heartfelt hug. Snooki accepts her apology with an oddly sweet "oh my God, bitch, you're such a whore," and we know exactly what she means. Sammi finds the good vibes intoxicating, and apparently becomes addicted to not being the bad kind of bitch whore. Her next apology is to Deena, interrupted only by JWOWW's disapproving burp-by. Deena, too, mends fences with Sammi, and with a patron pledge and high-five, their bond is sealed and Sammi's redemption is almost complete.
7. Night of a Hundred Skanks
The "we're single" atmosphere was crackling as the gang readied for a night at Karma: In addition to Sammi and Ron, JWOWW and Tom were on "rocky conditions" (which sounds like the name of a stripper he may have hooked up with the night before), and Pauly D was promising to break out a brand-new fist-pump! And as soon as we got to Karma, we were treated to so many faces from the past (Roger! Paula! Stalker!) and flashbacks within flashbacks within dreams that the episode started to feel like Inception. Thankfully, a blurred-out crotch shot of Deena falling off the stage was our totem, and we were kicked back to reality.
8. The Saddest Bar Floor in America
JWOWW confessed to ex-flame Roger that she often checked his Facebook relationship status, a possible plug for the script she's developing, The Social Disease Network. But after she got snatch-blocked by the only woman in Karma wearing reading glasses, JWOWW retreated upstairs with Snooki for some dance-shouting. Then, in an act that was either extremely sexy or extremely unsettling, JWOWW peed on the floor behind the bar. Sometimes, you've just got to "make your own bathroom." And sometimes, as JWOWW did, you have to make your own bidet out of a ginger-ale spritzer.
9. Samron United!
After a breakup that lasted about four heartbreaking hours, Sammi and Ron got back together in the "pff" of an eye. Ron simply can't resist it when Sammi breaks out her patented "pff" sound, which, like the Hebrew word "Shalom", has several different meanings. Sometimes it means "hello" ... sometimes it means "good-bye" ... and this time, "pff" means "I never want our evenings of crying under a stained bedspread to end!" Ron surmises that their unhealthy relationship makes them stronger, and it may. Or it will be a prelude to a murder-suicide. Relationships are funny that way.
10. The DTF-O-METER Is Off the Charts!
Vinny, Pauly, and Mike return home with girls whose DTF-O-METERs are at record levels. Mike takes his ex, Paula, upstairs for some "face washing" and "turkey burger grilling." Don't try looking on urbandictionary.com for these terms: This is what they actually did, wash their faces and grill turkey burgers. Because nothing gets The Situation in the mood quite like Noxzema and mechanically separated meat! And even after one of the patties is dropped on the ground, Mike places it back on the grill because "the heat burns the germs." Will Mike soon be hooking a propane tank up to his bed?
11. "This Isn't Law School, This Is a T-Shirt Shop."
In an eerie bit of whoreshadowing, Snooki shows up for work still drunk from the night before and wearing some sort of decorative blanket. Danny catches her drinking in the break room, and orders her to go get a coffee and come back to work. Great move, Danny! He's not the tacky T-shirt king of Seaside's boardwalk for nothing! Of course, Snooki decides to eat fried pickles, do shots, and give marital advice to Paul Mitchell and his wife. Yes, Snooki, this isn't law school, but you'll soon wish it was ...
What more is there to say about Snooki's hammered beach walk? While it didn't quite have the emotional heft of her getting punched in the face in season one, it was no less dramatic. JWOWW and Deena did everything they could to save ... Snooki's purse ... but alas, the Jersey Shore's finest cuffed poor, misunderstood Nicole and charged her for disorderly conduct. For Snooki's sake, there'd better be a mini-fridge in jail.
- Snooki saying, upon eating the raw potato, "if you were stuck in the cornfields, you'd eat it." Assuming there was no corn, sure.
- Mike appears to break the fourth wall when he does some "Kitchen Ditchin'" of Deena.
- Pauly D channeled his inner Rich Little with his inspired impression of customers at the T-shirt shop.
- Pauly also promised his new fist-bump but failed to deliver. You can't make promises like that.
- We sincerely hope that dancing is not Deena's "best thing."
- Mike's girl Paula appeared to have the balance and clear-headedness of Paula Abdul.
- Danielle the stalker looking like the she-demon from Paranormal Activity when she punched the camera.