Tonight CBS airs week three of Paula Abdul’s Live to Dance, and the semifinals continue, with Paula and two less-famous friends kindly judging the skills and dreams of aspiring hoofers. Even as the field narrows, the format remains emphatically friendly: Auditioners are awarded Gold Stars (great!) or Red Stars (still great, just less great), and even the first-round dismissals — which on her alma mater, American Idol, were an opportunity for dismissive mockery — came with a Paula pep talk and grateful applause. The show is a sunny, Xanax-powered alternate universe where life carries on as if Simon Cowell’s eyes had never rolled. But the problem is, everyone is so nice that it’s confusing! In a no-negativity zone, how are the contestants supposed to gauge Paula’s real feelings, and therefore their odds of winning? To help these living-to-dance aspirants, Vulture has prepared a guide to Paula’s many on-air faces (culled from her current show and Idol): They’re the only clues to her true emotions — and the only way to predict her decision. Gold Star or Red Star? The answers await.
Emotion: She’s fallen in love with dance and can’t get up.
Gold or Red Star?: Red, but that may be the concussion talking.
Emotion: Paula said dance like a grown-up or face the consequences.
Gold or Red Star?: Red. (Consequences.)
Emotion: Don’t you dare tell that dancer he was merely super when he was actually superduper!
Gold or Red Star?: Triple gold, just to make a point.
Emotion: Feeling the heat of somebody, somebody who loves her.
Gold or Red Star?: Gold! “Whooo! All right!”
Emotion: Wildly not attracted, despite the presence of an opposite.
Gold or Red Star?: Red.
Emotion: Exasperation. Don’t you dare peacock around like Scott Disick in front of Paula.
Gold or Red Star?: Red! (Take a hint, Kourtney.)
Emotion: Centered; deeply appreciative of your performance.
Gold or Red Star??: Gold. Namaste.
Emotion: Don’t hit me over the head with tap shoes and tell me it’s raining.
Gold or Red Star?: Red.
Emotion: Abject fear.
Gold or Red Star?: Triple Red; likely removal from the premises.
Emotion: She has either been overtaken by the love of Jesus or some very fancy footwork.
Gold or Red Star?: Triple Gold! Hallelujah!
Emotion: Shh, don’t interrupt Paula while she’s reflecting on the wonders of dance.
Gold or Red Star?: Gold. Probably? Don’t rush her.
Emotion: A level of delight that can only be appropriately expressed through aerobics.
Gold or Red Star?: Gold!
Emotion: So fahckin’ excited! You’re ah fahckin’ champion!
Gold or Red Star?: Gold.
Emotion: Feelin’ it.
Gold or Red Star?: Gold! Also: Call Paula later. She’s really feeling it.
Emotion: She’s pretty grossed out, but she wants to let you down gently.
Gold or Red Star?: Red.
Emotion: Appalled by those moves and those cuticles.
Gold or Red Star?: Red!
Emotion: Joy. Dreams are coming true, etc.
Gold or Red Star?: Triple Gold.
