The glamorous Biltmore Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. The glamorous Andy Cohen sits surrounded by the glamorous Beverly Hills Housewives. They put past Housewives to shame. They are much, much shinier.
Topic 1: Plastic Surgery
Andy: Sad obsessive shut-in No. 1 says here that in her opinion, your plastic surgery doesn’t make you ladies look pretty, it makes you look deformed. Discuss.
Vander Pump: Me? You’re asking me? I haven’t had plastic surgery on my face Okay, I’ve injected some injectables — Botox, Juvederm, Lubriderm, Naugahyde, Slovakian baby foreskins and whatnot, but who hasn’t? In the civilized world, I mean. Where we also have teeth. And homes that are not also vehicles. Where did she say she lived again? And that’s a town? On a map? Interesting.
Andy: Adrienne — your husband and your face. What’s the relationship?
Adrienne: I’m going to make jokes about how I’d never let him near me with a scalpel to disguise the fact that I’d never let him near me with a scalpel. By the way, I hope you are admiring my near-perfect poise in this situation, considering. Considering I look like a snare drum, I mean. And I have no idea what happened to my nose. It’s a maloofing disaster.
Topic 2: The Price of Milk, or Housewives Are the New Busby Berkeley Musicals
Andy: This sad person here wants to know if any of you Gucci handbag-buying bitches know what she pays for a gallon of milk, and if not, can you speak to how angry the idea of you not knowing makes her.
Kyle: Oh, I know! Oh, I know! I know because I always check the housekeeper’s receipts to make sure she’s not skimming. $3.49!
Andy: You’re off by twenty cents. And I say that because I have no idea that prices vary from store to store, because I’ve never actually ingested a liquid that is not brown or clear.
Kyle: Duh, Andy. I pay the Beverly Hills markup. And then I toss a couple more bucks in the shredder when I get home.
Andy: I see. Which leads me to …
Topic 3: Why Do You Waste So Much Money, Part 3
Andy: Sad Clown Taylor? This angry reader wants to know what that $60,000 birthday party was all about. And how much do you hate yourself now?
Taylor: Oh, you know, as much as ever. I thought wasting vast amounts of money would make me feel special and important, but it just makes me feel worse. Still, I smile through it. With my lips. My big, bouncy lips. Next time, I’m just doing a jumpy castle and calling it a day. I won’t even have to rent one. I’ll just lay on the grass and let the kids loose on my face. Oh, that party. Remember me posing on top of the tables in that stupid hat? Who did I think I was? Where did I think I was? Oh well. At least the guests enjoyed themselves.
Lisa: Um, yeah, but that’s only because they all went home and increased their Lexapro dosage. Please, it was soul-crushing.
Topic 4: Money Again. Very Hard to Change the Subject
Andy: Okay, so can we talk about how rich you all are? Like, so rich that you make all the other housewives look like peasants? (A condo in Georgetown? Really?) I mean, what’s next after you guys? Real Housewives of Saudi Arabia? Of Greenwich? Of the Vatican? Lisa! Why is your house so big?
Lisa: I’m sorry it’s hard for you.
Andy: Camille, what was all that nonsense about not being able to fit in your huge New York apartment?
Camille: That was Kelsey. He needs to spread out. He needs a man cave. And a bat room. And a moat with a drawbridge and a crocodile. He requires at least 5,000 square feet of space between us at all times. Have you noticed I’m acting a lot less crazy now?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes.
Camille: Almost … human?
Andy: My mind is reeling. So, you didn’t want to be on the show at first. What changed your mind?
Camille: Kelsey wanted me to do it. He kept talking about me doing my own thing.
Andy: Did he have ulterior motives?
Camille: Is every question you ask going to be rhetorical?
Andy: Were you aware of how much people hated you?
Camille: Does a bear shit in the woods? I don’t know. I mean, how would I know? What do I know what a bear does on his own time? Don’t involve me, please. I’m trying to get divorced here. It’s exhausting.
Andy: Let me read you a list of adjectives that people have used to describe you. Conniving, passive-aggressive, catty, jealous, cruel … There are a lot of words on this list and they have a lot of syllables … hypocritical, self-absorbed, manipulative … stop me with your cries of anguish at any time … fake, insincere, delusional … Oh, come on. What are you? A robot?
Camille: Well, technically, more of a cyborg … But listen, it still hurts, even with all my synthetic parts.
Taylor: I’ll pull Oklahoma on the ass of whoever wrote those words. Because they can write negative words about our seemingly perfect lives, but they don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like to live with Russell.
Andy presses Camille to look deep within and understand why she is so despised. Why is she such a lightning rod? Why did she get to people the way she did? Camille reaches deep for an answer and pulls out … Kelsey Grammer.
Camille: Hey, here he is again! Sorry.
Andy: People want to know why you used a surrogate. Is it because you didn’t want to get fat like the people who want to know? Clearly they are all fat.
Camille: Actually, I tried to get fat! I did! Kelsey and I tried and tried to get pregnant but it didn’t work. Of course now I know it’s because he cut me off sexually ten years ago, as I’ll reveal in a moment. But listen, with our schedules … that’s the way it goes. In the end, our people arranged a blind date for my egg and his sperm in a cozy little rental uterus and it worked out great.
Andy: Whatever. Porn.
Camille: Faye Resnick showed everybody pictures of the porn movie I made when I was young and impressionable and naïve!
Kyle: Yes, we were looking at them. They’re out there! We were looking at them and judging you harshly while enjoying the titillation. Best of both worlds!
After the commercial break, the show returns with a highlight-reel montage of Kelsey and Camille. Maloof weeps as she looks on. Camille says the marriage started to fall apart around the same time the show started taping, and that she might have had a little bit of a problem with stress and misplaced anger. She didn’t mean to take it out on Kyle, but of course with her large head, Kyle bears the biggest physical resemblance to Kelsey. Now she knows what’s important, having lost friends to the black hole of Kelsey’s celebrity. Friends who shall remain nameless. Friends with benefits, perhaps. The female friends, let’s just say, have stuck by her.
Andy: So, the rumor is you’re taking him for $50 million. Over thirteen years, that’s like … uhh … $3.846 million per year. Not bad, even with the cross-dressing. Even if he whipped you lightly with his stocking while singing Edith Piaf songs.
Camille: I find it’s generally not a good idea to discuss one’s marriage-end bonus in front of poor people, lest they get any ideas about legislating.
Andy: Taylor and Kim. Let’s watch a montage of your mutual dislike for each other. Can you explain what “pulling Oklahoma on someone’s ass” entails, exactly?
Taylor: Oh, ha-ha! Wasn’t that cute? I’m cute!
Kim: Um, I though you were all against violence, with your charity and everything.
Taylor: I was kidding! It was hilarious! Don’t drag my charity into this or I’ll kill you.
Kim: You’re really easy to manipulate.
Taylor: Look at me, Kyle! Look at me! Why won’t you look at me? I’m going to talk about how drunk she was, is that okay? Can I talk about your drunk sister?
Kim: How drunk I was? Oh my God, I love how all you lushes are calling me an alcoholic now.
Andy: Do you want to pull your hometown on her ass now?
Kim: Yes! I don’t understand how my sister can stand her! She’s the Heather McNamara to my sister’s a Heather Chandler and Lisa’s Veronica Sawyer. She’s a spineless suck-up.
Taylor: Well, you’re the Martha Dumptruck. I’m a people-pleaser, okay? I’m friends with everyone. And now I’m going to pretend that I don’t understand what Kim is talking about and imply that she’s insane by saying, “I’m confused.” See how that works? The “I’m confused” gambit. The old passive-aggression in action, people!
Andy: Well, as you well know, what she is saying is that you’re full of shit, which we would all agree with if we hadn’t made the thuggish decision to marginalize Kim because she is weak. Next question. This slut writes, “Do you ever have sex with your husbands, or is marriage just a financial transaction for you?” Okay, rhetorical question. Lisa, are you a racist?
Lisa: That’s ridiculous! I have people of every ethnicity working for me!
Andy: Let’s talk about Taylor’s lip implant. Will she ever set it free?
Taylor: My lip implant and I go way back. I tell it everything. It’s been there for me, cushioning the blows, as it were. Do I wonder about the somewhat grotesque irony of running around with a fat lip all the time, what with my charity and all? Sure I do! Or at least I did after my shrink pointed it out. And I fired him. But what can I do? My top lip is stretched out. I’d flap.
Andy: Okay, let’s rehash the fight between Kyle and Camille one more time. For old time’s sake.
The bickering that proceeds is recorded in a decibel range only intelligible to dogs, but it’s clear that heart-rates are spiking and emergency crews are standing by with defibrillators. Camille accuses Kyle of setting her up to look bad. Kyle recounts how she convinced Camille to be on the show. Camille says Kyle asked her to be on because she needed a target. Kyle reacts. The tension ratchets up again. We start to tune it out. We feel like we did when our parents fought. We can’t take it anymore. We’re going to go get drunk and do drugs now.
Lisa: Let’s not forget Taylor’s role in this.
Kim: Yes, Taylor stirred the pot.
Taylor: There was no pot-stirring.
Andy: You stirred the pot.
Taylor: Okay, but it wasn’t on purpose. I was reaching for the kettle and my sleeve caught the edge of the spoon. What?
Andy: Cammy, why are you so insecure about being called insecure?
Camille: Andy, my husband was leaving me for another woman. Of course I was insecure. Am I blowing your mind with the candor right now? The — dare I say - likability? That’s some top-shelf media coaching in action.
Andy: I’ll say. Kim. I forgot you were sitting here.
Andy reads the last letter. It’s from someone who says she believes Camille because Kim didn’t defend Kyle. Kim explains that she didn’t know these girls, that they were Kyle’s friends, that the first time she got involved in a conflict between them, they made up and hated her for getting involved. Kyle shoots daggers at her. Kyle will never forgive her for supporting her. Kim is used to it. She can take the punishment.