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Jersey Shore Recap: Blood, Poo, and Tears

Understandably, the show tried to shift gears from last week's tense, abusive futon destruct-o-thon with a more lighthearted outing. Sure, there was mopey Ronnie, but there were also prank wars, poop (dog and human), and not one but two pairs of compromised underpants! There were also lots of mysteries scattered throughout the hour, and for some of this week's filthy dozen highlights, we've enlisted the help of the Jeopardy! supercomputer Watson for answers.

1. Tuesdays with Sitch
If there's anything more boring than "Relationship Ron," it's "Slobbering, Post-Breakup Ron." Fortunately, The Situation is a "pretty deep dude" and comes to Ron's rescue with some confusing words of un-wisdom, like "I'd rather die standing than live on my knees" and "put on a little Michael Bolton". We tried that — it only makes things much worse.

2. Sammi's mom is unfamiliar with her daughter's relationship
Sammi's appearance in the opening credits indicated that we haven't seen the last of her this season, and sure enough, cameras follow her as she seeks comfort from her mother (played by the 1983 version of legendary newswoman Linda Ellerbee). Sam's mom seemed mildly surprised that Ron has the capacity to fly into a rage and destroy all of Sammi's glasses. Clearly, MTV hasn't provided her with screeners. Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls tell Ron that they're siding with Sammi. "As a woman, I would leave too" states JWOWW, who did just that when her ex trashed her belongings and violated her PayPal account. Ron says he doesn't want to sleep upstairs, which is good, because he broke upstairs.

3. Battle of the network stars
Deena and Snooki attempt to inject a little levity into the show the only way they know how: smearing cake in Vin's face. Vin and Pauly declare a PRANK WAR! Whoooo! They strike back with the classic "dogshit in a perforated sack under the pillow" gag, which we are dubbing "The Turd Fairy." But Deena's keen sense of smell (she knows her bed should only smell of tears and taint — something has upset the balance) allows her to discover the shitsack and — POW! — hide it back in the guys' room! Meatballs 1, Bromance 0! But really, are there any winners when poo has been handled by three or more people? We posed that very question to Watson — his answer: "Who is Eli Whitney?" Humans 1, Technology 0.

4. The Hardy Boys in The Seriousness of the Missing Crocodile
Did anyone else think that when Vin absconded with Crocodilly, he was seriously considering having sex with it? By the way, considering that Snooki's been cuddling up with that stuffed animal every night, it probably would have been more sanitary for Vinny to fish out some more dog poo. Anyway, he decided to string Crocodilly up by the neck and hang it from the balcony, which, as any criminal profiler will tell you, is typically page one on the serial-killer dossier. The Situation is right, it's not really a good prank, so he helps Snooki rescue her croc, thus ending the Prank War. He does earn the great nickname "The Snitchuation," however.

5. Ron takes out his sadness on the innocent: the toilets
The side effects of Xenadrine apparently include enormous, bog-crippling BM's. Ron's angershits have disabled all three of the house's toilets, causing chaos for the digestion of his housemates. Vin desperately needs to "take a crap" (why not just go in the Smush Room — guarantee nobody will notice the smell), so he bravely dons his "I Love Soccer Moms" T-shirt and goes to work with a plunger and a coat hanger (but no rubber gloves, mind you, making this the second time this episode that Vinny has been in close proximity of human and/or animal waste with no gloves. This sort of happens a third time later in the episode when he brings home that skank from Karma). Anyway, Ron takes his business to the Shore Store, too, locking himself in the bathroom for some more poopcrying and to give what looks like a toilet confessional. We want to apologize for all the scat in this recap (or should we say, "recrap"), but in the absence of SamRon fistfights, the dramatic plotlines of the show literally turned to shit. Did it have to be this way? Watson says: "What is the Dewey Decimal System?"

6. Thank God, no more poo! Instead, we get ...
Smelly underpants. While the guys are out getting haircuts at Jagged Edge, the girls are cleaning up the rest of Sammi's broken things/dreams. In the process, JWOWW throws a thong at Deena that is apparently so feculent, it creates a powerful mist when awoken. It's ok, we haven't stopped throwing up, either. Back at Jagged Edge, Mike goes through the terror-alert levels of grenades. In case you were wondering, it goes: Grenade, Grenade Launcher, Submarine, Tank, and A-Bomb. Weren't those also characters in The Matrix? If we may be so bold, we think Mike's omitting the obvious — "Dirty Bomb," which would also be an apt title for this episode.

7. Act 4 = Filler.
The whole "girls cleaned up Sammi's stuff and lied to Ron about it" arc is pretty dull, as is the pointless go-kart ride. Although it did remind us that go-karts are pretty fun. We asked Watson when go-karts were invented, and he said "Who is Janis Joplin?" The only thing of note in this segment was Snooki's advice to a constipated Deena: "Have a coffee, then it will flow out of your butthole like a freakin' rainstorm" which, while clever and well-worded, was a blatant rip-off of an old Taster's Choice tagline. We think. Meanwhile, at the duckphone, Sam's sister Nikki calls Ron to thank him for the creepy bouquets of roses/chocolates/bears/desperation he sent to the entire family, and not to berate him for, you know, assaulting her sister. Then Sam picks up the phone! This is meant to evoke drama, but when you've seen beds being thrown, an awkward phone conversation is hardly "cliffhanger, go to commercial" worthy.

8. Dirty Underpants II: Electric Boogaloo
Sam thanks Ron for the flowers, and he goes upstairs to show that he doesn't need Sam to be able to sulk effectively in his comforter. Pauly finds the episode's second pair of crusty panties and decides to conduct a thorough investigation. He "knows they're not Snook's, because there's no bronzer in them," but there is something wholly other in them ... Okay, seriously, we defy you to name any episode in television history that featured so many disturbing, grotesque images? Watson actually got this one right! "What is The Suite Life of Zack and Cody?"

9. A Note to Producers ...
In the future, do not wait 38 minutes before taking the gang to Karma. Especially in an episode that centers around brown toilet water. Anyway, the usual happens at Karma: Pauly meets an ex, Mike pulls a robbery, Ron sulks ... he says it feels weird to be at Karma without Sam. Why? Because you're not punching someone in the face or calling someone a whore? He cryptically tells Snooki that he's going to get Sam back because "I always get what I want," a line lifted from Brian Austin Green in every Lifetime TV movie right before he murders his girlfriend.

10. Tostitos
If there were an earlier explanation of this term, we missed it. On the way back from Karma, Vin tells a depressed (and still constipated) Deena to "stop being Tostitos" (we think that's what he said). Does this mean she's being ... Corny? Crunchy? Something you eat with guacamole? Deena claims that "nobody gets me" ... We do, Deena! All you really want is to be loved, and for that flower-in-your-hair thing to catch on! Deena increasingly transforms into what Mike calls a "Slopopotamus" or a "Slopatapatus" (wasn't that the family's last name on Webster?) So Ron, of all people, gives her a pep talk! While this is happening, Snooki, who hasn't had sex in four months (which is like 28 months in Snooki years) takes her Juicehead Whose Name She Can't Remember up to the Smush Room ...

11. Maybe this is the reason for all the plumbing problems
A gross, late-night buffet of burgers, eggs, pickles ... Mike, under the guise of being a good friend, forcefeeds a giant burger to pre-coitus Vinny. Pretty sneaky, Mike! This is still sexier than what's going on in the Smush Room. The needy Juichead Gianni asks Snooki to say his name. She guesses "Bernard," which is close enough for him, and they smush anyway (seriously, for the love of God, PLEASE put some sheets on that mattress).

12. When Ronnie met Deena
During their heart-to-heart on the patio, where Deena tries to talk Ronnie out of leaving the house (why???), it looked like they were about to kiss. Instead, he goes upstairs to sleep in the Container Store. At this point, Watson said "What is Ron's a huge psychotic douche?" before its system crashed.

Honorable Mentions
-When Danny learns that Ron has destroyed furniture in the house, shouldn't he be more concerned? Doesn't he own the house?
-Mike, when he was referring to himself as "Uncle Situation" and "Dr. Situation" may have been planting the seeds for possible spinoffs.
-Ron's mass ordering of multicolored roses after a scary, violent fight is classic abusive boyfriend behavior.
-Did those toilets ever get plunged???