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Jersey Shore Recap: Breakups and Smash-Ups

Tonight's show was awesome, especially if you like near-domestic violence with people standing by and doing nothing! In honor of JWOWW'S new book, The Rules According to JWOWW, we are presenting tonight's recap in the form of rules and commandments that would serve you well in Seaside.

1. Never get in the middle of Samron's business.
Mike makes the mistake of offering some actual sound, possibly life-saving advice to Sammi, gently telling her that her relationship with Ron would likely never improve and perhaps it's best to move forward. This enrages a hopped-up Ron, who accuses Mike of violating the bro code or the girl code or something. It's not good. Pauly takes Ron to the Bored-walk to calm down, while Deena takes Single Sammi out to the bar from The Accused. Sammi thinks she spots Ronnie walking past her with a girl (it was just Pauly), and out of jealousy she decides to exchange numbers with a topless guy in a backpack.

2. Always have the police/paramedics on standby when Ron is blending his anger shakes.
Not sure what kind of drink Ron was mixing as he waited to unload on Mike. It looked like Xenadrine mixed with Hawaiian Punch, also known as "Internal Bleeding in a Glass." At this point, Pauly noted that "Ronnie kind of has a temper," which is like saying Snooki "kind of" pees cookie dough. Mike comes home, and everyone's gearing for a fight.

3. To shut off Ron's rage, just apologize.
Mike comes home, and Ronnie starts looking like that really angry Gremlin. Fun fact: We couldn't remember the name of that Angry Gremlin, so we Googled it and discovered that "Angry Gremlin" is actually a revolting sex act! We can't describe it in detail here, but it is the opposite of a "Blumpkin." Anyway, Ron was starting to resemble "Stripe" and tore into Mike for his various guy code violations. That's when Mike did the smartest thing anyone's done in three seasons: He said he was sorry just to shut Ronnie up, and it worked!

4. Never go to a Mexican restaurant with Roger.
Aw, Roger's leaving for ten days! He picks up JWOWW for a romantic evening, sporting a mysterious black bag. He says it's filled with condoms (doubt it), and since Deena says that he'll be "farting and snoring all night," we assumed it was filled with Ambien and spinach dip. Anyway, they go to the Spicy Cantina (we Googled that, too — also a really painful sounding sex act), where a lazy susan of juiceheads spin by Roger and JWOWW's table. Seems as if Roger knows everyone in this restaurant, and everyone looks like a Turturro brother. JWOWW'S no longer in the mood ...

5. If you've been fighting for seven days, try haiku.
Meanwhile, back at Buzzkill Manor, Ron and Sammi continue their tedious argument, and Sammi sums up their relationship in a sad, beautiful poem (yes, we know Haiku is 5-7-5, but this was pretty damn close 5-9-5):

How could you sit there
and look me in the face, watch me cry
and lie to my face?

Ron storms off; Sammi commiserates with the girls. Battle lines are drawn. How is that flower in Deena's hair not dead yet?

6. When friends fight, take your mind off things by 409-ing your sneakers.
Like Pauly does! Or, you could Endust your loafers? There are truly thousands of places in that house and on Pauly's person that could also use some 409 spray. Pauly and Vinny bring some degree of levity to the increasingly tense and violent SamRon situation. Vinny: "Theyre gonna bang, like — soon." Would that were true, Vinny ...

7. No joke here. Ron has some serious problems.
At this point, it was hard not to feel bad and genuinely scared for Sammi. Ron has been psychologically abusive to her throughout their whole relationship, and now his rage is bubbling over into some borderline psychotic places. Does anyone doubt that if, at this point in the show, Ron had access to a chainsaw, he'd have used it? Ron starts destroying Sam's stuff, and tries to throw her and her bed out on to the patio. Ron tells her he'll "put you in a fire, you bitch." Time out, Ron — these are things you say to a S'more, not your girlfriend. Then he throws in a touch of misogyny ("How many times you cook for me?!? None! You useless, spoiled bitch!"). If Ron were reading this right now, he'd probably throw a futon at this blog.

8. Never attempt to move large furtniture if you're four-foot-nine and drunk.
Snooki's answer to the InSamity is to mobilize the single ladies in the house and get Sammi all whored up for a night at Aztec. "Come to my closet!" she implores the girls, to pick out the perfect skanky outfit. Sorry, you have no closet left! Ronnie ate your closet. No matter, Sammi puts on a push-up bra and a tablecloth, while Deena and Snooki poignantly try to move Sammi's bed/rickety drawbridge from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom into their room. This prompts a great line from Snooki, making an analogy between the big bed/narrow hallway and Vinny's weiner/her "pinhole." Did it shock anyone else that Snooki correctly used the term "analogy"?

9. The worst way to deal with a breakup: alcohol, ass-dancing, and spite.
This was the most joyless trip to Asstec we've ever seen. Sammi fights fire with simulated dance-floor sex with a stranger. We're seriously shocked that Ronnie didn't punch the guy who was grinding Sammi. Instead, he goes back home and destroys the REST of Sammi's furniture and belongings. They argue out on the patio. He says Sammi disrespected him (you know who he's disrespected tonight? Ikea) by dancing with a guy, conveniently ignoring that he: (1) cheated on her (2) threatened to murder her (3) ruined all of her clothes, glasses, and hair products. BURP!

10. On Valentine's Day, try Cheez Whiz and dressing up like a leather cowboy hooker.
Thank God for the palate-cleansing sight of Roger and JWOWW, the Shore's most functional couple. The producers make JWOWW break out the Love Shack outfit she bought last week to seduce Roger, even though he'd settle for Cheez Whiz and crackers (incidentally, those are also the names of the next two cast members to join the show). This moment of sweetness and blackout sex is short-lived, however, and the next morning, everyone's back to talking about the fight. Ronnie not only disrespected the bro code, says Mike, but "the General Human Code." To be fair, though, lots of codes (mostly those of health, hygiene, ethics, building, decency, honor) have been violated throughout the show's run.

11. Tight yellow shorts show a lady you mean business.
Did the creepy guy who gave Deena and Snooki nachos and shots of Jack Daniels work at the Beachcomber, or was he a patron? Either way, the gals couldn't stop talking about how his tight shorts really showed "the shaping of his wiener," which will soon be a Shore Store shirt slogan or a Merchant/Ivory film. Meanwhile, in a tense episode such as this, we really appreciated the subtle projection of hot dogs behind Snooki and Deena while they were discussing this guy's junk.

12. If your relationship is starting to resemble The Burning Bed, it's time to go …
And thankfully, Sammi made the right decision to do so, but not before one more tearful whiny talk with Ron on the patio for old times' sake, and not before the roommates inexplicably (and irresponsibly) tried to get her to stay! Pauly: "I hate to see you throw this all away ... " And as tough as it was for Sammi to say good-bye to endless nights of crying in a single futon, getting punched in the face, and having cameras follow you while you poop — she got into the taxi, and left. Happy Valentine's Day, Jersey Shore!

Honorable Mentions:
- When Sammi was saying "I love the dick," was she talking about Ron, or just dick in general?
- Mike: "I gotta get my backwards hat."
- Snooki saying her room "smelled like vagina."

Photo: MTV