At times, tonight's Jersey Shore seemed like an installment in the gory Saw franchise — not for the many references to blood, feces, and vomit, mind you — but because we'd have rather self-amputated our limbs than sit through another insufferable SamRon breakup. Seriously, enough. Please, MTV, you can send the rest of the cast to Italy for Season 4, but why not have SamRon see if they can work their issues out on the streets of Cairo? Otherwise, it was a solid episode — here are the Filthy Dozen highlights ...
1. "One Step Forward, Two Step Backs"
Ron and Sam go together like opposite attracts. The harmony achieved by the cast at the end of last week's show lasted about four seconds. At Karma, Ron drank a lot, while Mike picked up a skank by revealing he has a pair of "Situation" pajamas, for real. Things got truly disgusting back at home when, after being force-fed a plate of Shawarma Helper by Sam, Ronnie vomited into a Stop & Shop bag. Sammi said that she can't stay anywhere that smells like throw up, which doesn't make sense since she's spent three seasons living with Snooki. Snooki's sobriety, by the way, is on very solid ground: she passed out face-first into some Beggin' Strips with JWOWW'S dogs. And we haven't even hit the first commercial break yet. Oh, and Ron woke up the next morning with bloody diarrhea.
2. The Three Greatest Mysteries in Pop Culture
They are "Who shot JR?" "Who let the dogs out?" and, posited tonight by Sam, "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?" Ron visited the local doctor — who looked like Nick Jonas's fat, creepy uncle — to get his anus examined. It seemed like this vignette was played for laughs, but it was kind of upsetting, especially the diagnosis. The doctor merely told Ron to cut down on his drinking. That's it? A quick WebMD search says that gastrointestinal bleeding could mean anything from polyps to colorectal cancer. Ron may want to get a second opinion from a doctor who (a) isn't wearing a bowling shirt, and (b) doesn't have his practice in a mobile home.
3. Attention, Silverton Pharmacy Customers
... do NOT, under any circumstances, buy, ride, or even look at the blue tricycle in aisle three. If you do, immediately proceed to aisle four and douse your nether regions with Comet. Trust us. You'll avoid an embarrassing trip to Dr. Jonas-Uncle. BTW, was Snooki's ill-fated drugstore trike ride an intentional parallel to her drunken boardwalk jog a few episodes ago? Discuss.
4. Petey, Dario, and Chris
No, not the names of the members of Hootie and the Blowfish, but Ron's trio of boyz from back home, who met the gang out at Karma. Deena quickly started making out with Dario, in spite of her cigarette breath. Don't worry, Deena, we're sure Dario's breath smelled of Doritos and human growth hormone; just call it a wash. Meanwhile, Pauly D and a girl did some "Jersey Shots," which we imagine to be a series of painful immunizations taken in the stomach, like the ones you'd have to get before visiting the Congo. Snooki met a seemingly nice guy named Jeff, and they, too, made out/ate each other's mouths. Snooki and Deena wanted to get home in a hurry ...
5. Deena's Golden Ticket/Snooki's Less-than-Golden Ticket
Snooki takes Jeff into the Smush Room because he's "ready to do moves on me." But, alas, it's Snooki's time of the month. At this point, if you're like us, you were praying for Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones to show up in your living room and flash you with one of those memory-erasing pens. But since we are writing this, clearly our prayers went unanswered. Meanwhile, Dario hand-fed Deena some ham up on the patio (that's not a euphemism), and all it took to get her into bed was telling her she was too thin. And, even though she hadn't "done sex" in like, three months, she gave Dario her "Golden Ticket." That Deena's an instant-slogan generator, isn't she?
6. When Snooki Met Jeff
For a while, it seemed like Snooki and Jeff had some genuine romantic chemistry. Wasn't it adorable when he fell off the very dangerous, poorly fastened stripper pole? (Ronnie fell off it, too — maybe that's why his ass is bleeding!) Sneff then went on a dreamy rom-com montage of walking on the boardwalk and harassing old people on the chairlift. Moreover, Jeff didn't come across as a reality show hanger-on, he really, really appeared to like Snooki for the bloody, dog-food-covered mess that she is. Snooki shared her hopes, dreams, and fears with Jeff — she avoids the ocean because it's all whale sperm, you see — and Jeff, in turn, let it slip that he once gave his ex-girlfriend a promise ring. Oops. Snooki didn't like that one bit, and ended it, thus cramming all the ups and downs of an eight-month-long relationship into 90 seconds of screen time. Poor Jeff. Not only did he suffer the indignity of getting dumped by Snooki for no apparent reason, he also fell for Pauly D's hilarious "fake answering machine" bit. And in what was possibly the most heartbreakingly poignant moment in Jersey Shore history, Jeff pleaded with Pauly to let him send Snooki an "Apology Pizza." With a side of "Remorseful Cheesy Bread."
7. Love Shack
For the first time this season, all four women in the house were on good terms. To celebrate their rekindled friendship, the girls took the Escalade to the sex store (where Snooki bought the stripper pole of death) to "get games." Whilst there, they all decided to dress up like characters from The Warriors, only much less sexy. Snooki's outfit was the best; in her estimation she looked like a "hot, drunk baseball player." Well, she got one out of three, and in baseball, that'll get you in the Hall of Fame! No, for a more accurate comparison of what Snooki really looked like, Google "Youppi."
8. Top Chef No-Stars
While the girls were at the Love Shack, the guys were at home, prepping a dinner of vodka à la vodka. They grumbled among each other and made a few sexist remarks that the women should be in the kitchen, not them. Then, the girls come home, and Ronnie tears into Sammi (whose only crime was going to the sex store to get something that would "give Ron a huge boner") for ... not cleaning out the fridge??? Keep in mind that just a few days earlier, Sammi punched Ron in the face and he had no reaction. In fact, he got back together with her. But this — this — crossed a line, and cast a tense pall over the Sunday-night dinner. The Situation (in one of his few appearances of the episode) said he wanted to hit freeze and fast-forward to the end of the fight. So did we.
9. T-Shirt Store Name Revealed!
A big, big part of Jersey Shore mythology was addressed when at last we learned the name of Danny's T-shirt store. It is ... "The Shore Store." Ehh. We thought it would be something more exciting, like "Abercrombie & Felch," "Banana Repubic," or "Forever 41." Anyway, Snooki and JWOWW spend their shift having a very Zen conversation about "What is single?" Danny throws something at them for talking instead of working, or maybe he's just mad because they're not squeezing their DD's into his made-up store uniform. (True story: JWOWW and Roger were apparently spotted at "Bed Bath & Beyond" together last week ... )
10. "Hell Has to Be Just Like This"
Vinny (like Mike, sorely missed from this episode) describes the SamRon atmosphere perfectly. They're still fighting and ruining everyone's evening. MVP and Deena decide to leave the toxic atmosphere behind and go to Karma. Deena turns the evening around, and in Pauly's words, she "Jersey Turnpikes all night long," which is supposedly a good thing, or, at the very least, preferable to "Van Wyck Expresswaying it all night long." If you needed any more proof that Deena's been the most consistently awesome cast member this season, it was her summary of the night and her mission statement, all in one: "Yo, face down, ass up. That's how I like to have a good time." Deena, you just took our Golden Ticket.
11. Danielle's Return
Pauly D's stalker Danielle is back! But this time, she's not throwing a drink in his face, she's ... having a thoughtful, sensible conversation! You see, she was just upset at being portrayed as a stalker (really, that's a conversation she should be having with the story editors). And when Pauly invited her back home and put on the "I Heart Jewish Girls" shirt Danielle had given him last summer, their charming, interfaith banter reminded us of The Way We Were, only scabbier. Meanwhile, Sammi and Snooki are discussing Ronnie's mood swings. They wonder if he's having his period (Ah, so that's the diagnosis Dr. Jonas-Uncle missed!).
12. What Part of "What Don't You Understand" Don't You Understand?
Um, all of it? Seriously, this better be the last, absolute last teary bedspread SamRon breakup we ever see. Ever. This one was especially whiny and annoying and hard to follow. Their game of "no, you break up with me" chicken is so tired, we hope it reaches some sort of climax next week (and judging by the teaser of Ron breaking a bunch of Sammi's things, it looks like it will).
- What should JWOWW name her "dog thing"?
- Snooki getting rid of Jeff may have had something to do with her feelings for Pauly D. She did claim to want to take his sperm and make babies out of it. Just don't, for the love of God, take it into the ocean and mix it with whale sperm!
- What was grosser: Snooki's boast of masturbating all day, or her playing with Jeff's tongue ring?