As Camille and Kyle continue to bicker about who said what and who has the firmer grip on reality, Andy turns to Kim and asks her to weigh in. For reasons unknown, Kim finally opens up about the fateful conversation that started the long-running feud.
Topic 1: Kim Comes Clean-ish
Kim: Yeah, I was there. I heard the whole fight. It was just la-la-la, what are you going to do in Hawaii? Oh, surfing? That’s cool. Don’t forget the sunscreen, and then suddenly she’s crying! That was it!
Andy: I’m not even going to ask you to clarify that incoherent nonsense you just spewed because I don’t care. Instead, I am going to segue into the more interesting question of whether Kyle is a bully.
Kim: Um, not normally. She has to be really drunk, or off her medication, or hormonal, or hungry, or hung-over, or stuck in traffic. Or it has to be early before she’s had her coffee. Or really late and she’s soooooooo tired
Camille: Oh, please, Kim. Can you say sibling abuse? You are so co-dependent.
Lisa: Uh, wait a minute. I feel compelled to stand up and defend Kyle. This was a simple misunder
Kyle: EVERYONE HATES YOU, OKAY, CAMILLE? THEY WON’T SAY IT, BUT I SPEAK MY MIND. I SPEAK FOR THE TREES! SOMEBODY PLEASE SEND ME TO ANGER MANAGEMENT CAMP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BEFORE I POP A BLOOD VESSEL!
Lisa: Oh, well. I tried.
Topic 2: Is There Anything Camille Will Take Responsibility For?
Camille: Okay, yes, fine. I insinuated that Mauricio flirts with me. Sue me. What about my philanthropic work? What about the way I throw cash at my friends and then humiliate them on TV by telling everyone about their financial problems and how I came to the rescue? And my love of bunnies? What about that stuff? Doesn’t that count for anything? Isn’t there some kind of points system in effect? Like those carbon emission swappy things? No? There should be, right?
Topic 3: Cedric. Asshole. Who knew?
A touching montage of Lisa and Cedric, the spongy years. Today’s Lisa looks on in stony stoniness.
Andy: Okay, spill. We can’t take it anymore.
Lisa: Well, okay, yeah, as you may have guessed, he turned out to be a scumbag. Blindsided me. I bought the 36-year-old street urchin act hook, line, and sinker. It never occurred to me to wonder about his nice teeth. Did you know I saw Les Miz like 34 times?
Andy: So, you and Cedric had a fight on the day he moved out.
Lisa: Actually — and let me be as unclear about this as I can while being perfectly clear — there was no fight. What happened was he flipped his lid, apparently did tons of drugs, stayed up all night crying, convinced himself we were all living in some kind of Raymond Chandler novel, summoned us to my husband’s office at the crack of dawn, tried to extort money from us, theatened blackmail, asked for our autographs …
Kyle: Shameless, disgusting fame-whore!
Andy: We actually caught up with the shameless, disgusting fame-whore as he wandered the streets of Los Angeles, seeking shelter in acting classes. Watch:
Cedric: I’m taking lots of acting classes, wearing lots of makeup, unbuttoning my shirt to my navel and making sure casting directors know I’m available to them at all hours, for whatever, so we’ll see what happens! Anyway, people think I got kicked out of Ken and Lisa’s house, but the reality is that I left because I was tired of being exploited. The sordid truth is that I was a lady’s companion — I was at Lisa’s beck and call from the moment her egomaniacal voice came over the intercom demanding that I hang out. Oh, the shame! She used me! She attached herself to my youthish-ness and my unremarkable personality and bled me dry. And then to be tossed aside with nothing to show for it but a year and a half’s worth of free luxury meals and lodgings, immigration papers, a job, and Ken’s luggage … these people are vampires!
Lisa: I’m going to string a lot of qualifiers together now, and they’re not going to be pretty.
Topic 3: Taylor — Gold Digger, Idiot, or Gold-Digging Idiot?
Sad Taylor montage. Quivering lips result in structural damage to several buildings in San Francisco.
Andy: A bunch of random people want to know if you and that troll actually love each other. They’re “worried” about you.
Taylor: You’re asking me? Seriously? I wouldn’t know love if it bit me in the face. So, whatever, I’ll say yes. Then I’ll blame our clear distaste for one another on “inattentiveness” on “both our behalfs.” I’ll throw “children” in there even though we only have the one, and she seems to be spending the better part of her childhood quietly hiding under tables. And work, of course. Old trusty excuse. Also, I’m just going to keep saying things that sound Oprah-ish while I completely come apart in front of you, Andy. You’re speechless, aren’t you?
Andy: That was painful. But I recover fast. So whatever happened with your big marriage-fixing trip to Mexico? That sounded awesome.
Taylor: We had conversations. They were really great. They were all about how our marriage really, really sucks and probably should have never even happened but now we have this little daughter who seems kind of sad so we’re going to continue to live our repressed, clinically depressed lives together for the sake of her happiness. It’s a foolproof plan.
Kim: Yeah, maybe if you could occasionally get within ten feet of him, things would improve.
Lisa: Admit it. He grosses you out.
Topic 4: Russell, Was It Hard to Show the World Just How Bad Your Marriage Is?
Russell: Um … what she said. About children and work and stuff. Also … recession! Yeah. Did I mention long work hours? Climate change? Of course I would trade her for a 20-year-old, especially if that 20-year-old got silicone implants in her tear ducts. That would be awesome. Unfortunately, unlike Maloof here, I didn’t sign a pre-nup, and unlike Kelsey Grammer, I can’t afford to divorce a gold digger. Oops! Trappy trap!
A husband-y interlude follows, during which lighthearted questions are asked about Camille’s habit of kissing Nick on the lips, and who else would kiss Nick on the lips (Lisa, Andy), and who else would kiss their husbands’ friend on the lips. (Uh … ) Also discussed: Mauricio’s hotness, and Ken and Lisa’s hilarious sex life. The interlude slides into darkness when Ken describes being taken advantage of by Cedric and how Cedric threatened with disclosing certain secrets about Lisa. It all becomes quite emotional when Ken has an outburst. Englishly, he quickly covers it up with another joke at the expense of his sex life.
Topic 5: Kim’s Love Life
Kim: Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone?
Andy: Adrienne, you have single brothers … would any of them want to maloof it up with Kimmy over here?
Adrienne: Let me put this as diplomatically as I possibly can … no fucking way. Um, maybe in the future, when pigs fly.
Kim: No, this is great. Fantastic for my self-esteem. More, please. Just like this.
Topic 6: Et tu, Kyle?
Andy: All righty then. This chick from North Carolina thinks that Kyle bullies Kim on a regular basis.
Kyle: I kid! I kid my sister because I love her, right, you stupid bitch?
Kim: Trying not to cry! Trying not to cry!
Andy: The thing is that it looks about as playful as a hatchet to the head.
Kyle: All right, fine. We’re sisters! I’m entitled! She has to take it! She must submit!
Kim: She misplaces her anger.
Kyle: I’m going to cry now, okay? Let my voice crack here and there. Soften my image a little. Kim, you’re going to pay for this later.
A Kim and Kyle montage follows. Kyle’s ribbing turns to mocking turns to anger turns to abuse. She starts out making fun of Kim’s pronunciation and ends up lunging at her in skintight Spandex, leaving Kim a sobbing, quivering mess. It is almost more than the subtext translator can endure.
Andy: I’m going to poke at this wound with a stick now.
Kim: Andy, we’re trying to repair our relationship now, so we’ve been advised not to say too much.
Andy: Aw, c’mon!
Kim: I already said I don’t want to talk about that night.
Andy: Kyle, why did you go ballistic that night?
Kyle: Let it go, viper. I’m going to go sit next to my sister and hold her hand. Though not before putting a pillow between us.
Andy: Can I ask you a personal question?
Kyle: You know all that stuff she said about supporting the family? Not true. Our dad was successful. And I was a child star, too!
Lisa: Plus, she’s a lush.
Taylor: Yeah! The fight I picked wouldn’t have been half as bad if she hadn’t been drunk. Alky! Drunky smurf!
Topic 7: Can We Talk About the Night of the Crazy Medium Now?
Camille: Do we have to?
Andy: What do you think of your friend’s performance. Would you be caught dead with her now?
Camille: I don’t want to say bad things about another person who isn’t Kyle, but the whole writing a book about your friend’s murder and then posing naked in Playboy seems a little opportunistic, doesn’t it? I would know.
Kyle: I’m glad you said that because my rage was just starting to bubble up, and because of this stupid show and its stupid fans I can’t take it out on Kim anymore. Look, my head is starting to do that little back-and-forth movement that signals I’m about to let someone have it. You have a problem with Faye’s posing naked in Playboy? What are you, a nun? Because only a nun has the right to say anything about it. That’s right. Only a nun. Anyone else, not allowed to have an opinion. Oh, besides, you did porn, not a tasteful spread in Playboy.
Camille: Tasteful like she showed naked pictures of me in the limo?
Kyle: That was me, not her. See? She’s awesome. What? What does it say about me? I don’t know! Stop asking me stuff! I’m going to start talking over you! I’m going to drown you out! Who dares criticize me? I will call upon Poseidon, my father, to smite you! I have 50,000 e-mails in my in-box! That’s why I had naked pictures of you on my BlackBerry! 50,000 e-mails! Non-sequiturs and nonsense reasons! You think everything is a setup!
Camille: Are you calling me delusional again, with the setup?
Kyle: Setup? Who said setup? What am I arguing again?
Andy: I lost track twenty minutes ago.
Kyle: Oh well.
Andy: Let’s watch more of this crazy medium montage. This lady is insane!
Topic 8: Regrets
Andy: Any regrets, ladies?
Lisa: Me? Are you kidding? Please.
Taylor: Just a stupid one.
Kyle: Fighting with Camille. Flipping out on my sister. This stupid, stupid hair that I finally got around to cutting, but not before the season’s over.
Kim: It was harrowing, okay? The thing with my sister was so painful I poured the emotional spillover into Taylor. But I don’t regret the chance to launch my comeback.
Camille: I wish I’d never agreed to do this stupid show?
Andy: That’s what I like to see.