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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Introductions

1. Lea’s House
Lea: Hi, I’m Lea, and I collect people. It sounds creepy, sure, but it’s not at all because the people I collect are crazy, and therefore nobody cares. I love crazy people because they’re interesting and also because of their emotional and mental fragility. They’re soooooooo much easier to bend to my will, know what I mean? Like, for instance, I’m friends with Dennis Rodman! Remember him? No, you don’t. Which is why he’s friends with me now.

I came to Miami in the eighties and staked out my husband, high-profile lawyer husband Roy Black, while serving on the jury on the William Kennedy Smith trial. Veerry high-profile case, veeeerrry exclusive rape trial. Anyway, Roy lived in this “historical” house in Coral Gables designed by a famous architect. Meanwhile, the place is like 4,500 square feet. What is that, a shoe closet? Because it’s clearly not capacious enough to house both my ego and my implants. Anyway, I declared it a health hazard and “updid” it! Ha-ha! Am I adorable or what? Fuck those historical society people.

2. Larsa Jogs and Speaks
Larsa: I’m half-Lebanese, half-Assyrian, 100 percent hot. I have to be! I’m married to Scottie Pippen! It’s a really hard job because I have to take care of Scottie, our four kids, and our giant piles of money which I handle mostly by getting in the tub with it and rubbing it all over my smooth, golden skin. It’s exfoliating! I also shop. Shopping is hard work! I have to find items that are at once hot and cute, which is like a major philosophical dichotomy — symbiotic and complementary, but diametrically opposed. I’m smart like that, though. I can hold two opposing looks in my head at the same time and not fall down. On top of the shopping, I have to find time for working out, hanging out, taking care of my kids, and looking cute. How do I do it, right? I don’t even know.

3. Adriana’s Fiancé, Fredric’s house
Adriana: See this guy? This guy had a crush on me when I was married to my ex-husband, which just goes to show it’s always good to have a backup. Always buy two of everything. What else can I tell you about me? I’m hotter in Miami than I am in other places, contextually speaking. Oh, and I was going to abandon my career in art dealing for law school at one point, because I wasn’t making enough money, until I realized that law school was hard and that there are dudes like this guy willing to pay my bills. In Miami, at least.

4. Shooting Range
Larsa: Wanna see something cute? My brother and sister just happen to be “visiting” from Chicago and my brother thought it would make him look good to take us all out to a gun range where I could be girlish and ruthless at once by squealing at the kickback while threatening my nannies with lethal violence should they even think of stealing one of my bags. Tee-hee.

5. Cristy on the Beach
Cristy: I’m Cuban. Waiter, bring me a mojito! I’m so Cuban. Cubans made Miami what it is. They brought so much to the city … like mojitos! It’s my birthday today; I’m just going to throw out a number and see if anyone buys it. Anyway, I was married to former NBA athlete Glen Rice for a very long time, and now I’m not. Oh, look, a psychic lady! Psychic lady, take away my pain. Tell me everything is going to be okay.
Psychic lady: What do you know? This is your year. Planets are aligned. Refer your friends.
Cristy: Fantastic.

6. Cristy, Larsa, and Adriana Go to a Fashion Show
Adriana: Oh my God, we’re here so early. We look so desperate — desperate for fashion! When I go to the New York Fashion Week, I breeze in whenever, like I just wandered in by accident and don’t care about fashion at all! Ooh, look. A boy in a speedo. I’m going to strut down the runway now, like a psychopath.
Cristy and Larsa: Um, is Adriana going to embarrass us all season?
Adriana: I’m Brazilian! I love life! I love a man in spandex! I love walking on a runway after the models have gone home, smiling like crazy at the last remaining stragglers hunched over their BlackBerries. Don’t dare me to do something fun, okay? Because I’ll fucking do it. I hate myself.

7. Alexia Works Out
Alexia: People call me the Cuban Barbie, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and Barbie is silent because she’s a doll, and I’m not silent, because I’m alive and I have organs and a mouth and stuff, which means I’m the real thing and Barbie is not and I’m suing Mattel. See? There’s a lot more to me than all the dazzling beauty — behold! — you see before you. I can say words, unlike poor Barbie, who can’t talk because she’s a doll, so nobody knows how smart or dumb she is! Who knows? Maybe if she could talk she would reveal herself to be some like Stephen Hawking–level genuis, only chesty and plastic-brained. Bet you never thought of it that way. That’s just the kind of thought I entertain on a weekly basis. I have two children who inherited my intellect and literally could not feed themselves without my help — for instance, just the other day I had to explain that a grass-fed cow was a cow that had been fed grass instead of hormones. Kids are so stupid. I also have a husband who is my physical inferior. Shocking and unheard of, you say? Yes, science will be puzzling over this one for centuries.

8. Larsa, Cristy, and Adriana Go Private Clubbing
Larsa: I thought we were just going to have a drink.
Cristy: I wanted to dance.
Adriana: Mmm, Adriana sandwich!
Larsa: Scottie better not be watching this or I’m toast.

9. Marysol’s Office Is Pink
Marysol: Hi, I’m Marysol! I have a pink PR firm. I lunch with my gay friends and call them girls. I have a much-younger boyfriend who is crazy abut me. Mattel is basing a new doll on my life, Half-Cuban Alpha Barbie. Take that, Alexia.

10. Alexia at Home
Alexia: I have such a rare and unusual relationship with my boys. It’s like I’m their friend or some chick they know, which is great. I think they see me as much younger than what I am emotionally, which it’s not nice to make fun of, or use words like “retarded” in reference to, you know? Also, physically. Because I’m pretty sure I’m fooling them with the braids and I don’t think they understand the whole age-difference-inherent-in-procreation thing. My son Peter wants to be a model, and even though he is 17 and in good shape, I worry a lot about his weight. I tell him I’m never gonna give up until he’s manorexic. He’s going on a cruise for spring break — he and his little underage girlfriend — and there’s going to be lots of alcohol, binge drinking, irresponsible sex, probably drugs, a vast ocean, icebergs, not enough lifeboats, sharks, international pirates … I’m soooo worried he’s going to get fat!

11. Marysol Visits Her Mom, Jocelyn Wildenstein
Marysol: I’m not saying my mom is psychic, but get enough drinks in her and she thinks she is. So I tell her things have been getting serious with Phillippe and she asks what I want from a man. I say, the most important things for me are that he do what I say, when I say, and not embrarrass me in front of my professional contacts. So then she says, “Is he Senxual?” Which I think means is he sexual and sensual, but God only knows could be anything. It could mean, “Is he hungry?” or “Does he have a brother?” Then she asks me what it’s like to do it with a French. I try telling her it’s not like that, he’s not just a French, he’s an individual, but then she says I’m trying to trap him, but between the slurring, the accent, and the inflamed lip paralysis it comes out sounding like a Palin name — Trub. I’m going to trub him.

12. Lea’s Cooking Party
Lea: Hi! I hired a chef from a nice restaurant to come over and teach us to cook — that way I can combine three of my favorite things: drinking, drinking, and humiliating a service-sector serf in the comfort of my own home. Ahhh!
Marysol: Lea is the leader, which right there tells you how much fun this show is going to be.
Larsa: Let’s all go horseback riding!
Marysol: See what I mean? I mean, Lea can’t even stop checking her phone.
Lea: Look, everybody, I got chef hats and I’m going to write what Andy Cohen told me to write on them. These will be your assigned roles for the show. Please try not to stray from them, okay? Are we clear? Sexpot?
Adriana: Yes, master.
Lea: That’s right. Don’t forget that I found you and your son sleeping on the floor of an art gallery. The unspeakable squalor! I picked you up and dusted you off and made you what you are today.
Adriana: A sexpot.
Lea: Atta girl. So, Larsa. Marriage dirt?
Larsa: Scottie is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.
Lea: Sexpot, amuse us with your tale of woe.
Adriana: My ex had another family in Brazil, which I found out about when his other wife called me. She was a 17-year-old escort and had a 3-month-old baby with him. Now I don’t trust men.
Larsa: You should have managed the money. How else do you think I control Scottie?
Adriana: Are you all going to share your sad stories, to make me feel less alone?
Lea: Nope. You win.
Adriana [Laughing through gritted teeth]: Just you wait. Just you wait.

Photo: Glenn Watson/Bravo