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fugging it up

The Fug Girls Live Blog the Oscar Red Carpet

At last, we've arrived at Oscar Sunday: The apex — and the end — of awards season, the red carpet to end all red carpets, and the last time we'll have to deal with Ryan Seacrest until…okay, American Idolon Wednesday. The who-will-win aspect may seem to lack suspense this year, so thank God the celebrities stirred up some fashion intrigue for us this year, like how Natalie Portman will dress her expanding baby bump, whether Hailee Steinfeld can continue her flawless style run, and of course whether Helena Bonham Carter will, as she suggested, be "a walking catastrophe." So refresh your cocktails, pull up a seat and join us as we live-blog all the tribulations, and terrible awkwardness that goes down on the rug outside the Kodak this afternoon.

And you can check out pics of all the outfits on Vulture's constantly updated Red Carpet Gallery.

6:00 p.m.: Jennifer Lawrence is so early, she's actually waiting behind Seacrest as he does his intro. As promised in the New York Times by her stylist, Lawrence is wearing red. We can't remember if she has always had those shoulder muscles. Seacrest, intelligently, says, "You look so much different in Winter's Bone than right now." You mean she doesn't skin animals in a gown in that movie? Huh.

6:02 p.m.: The outfit: They haven't shown us the bottom yet, but it looks like a slinky red tube dress. Calvin Klein made it -- she cutely botches Francisco Costa's name. If there isn't a detail to it that we can't see, then it's pretty darn boring. Giuliana, of course, thinks she has set the bar so high and yada-yada booty-smooch. We finally get a full look, and yes, it's straight up and down, plain red, no details, no jewelry but a bracelet. Kelly Osbourne gushes about it also, calling it the sexiest one she's seen on the red carpet. She is right, if she is talking about a swatch of red carpet she saw outside a Persian rug store on Pico Boulevard. It's not an ugly dress, but we're not sure it's superlative-worthy either. Then again, it's early yet. By the end of the night we might be bowing down to its glory.

6:06 p.m.: The angle on Kelly Osbourne's bouffant -- shot slightly from above -- makes it look ENORMOUS. I think her hair has been getting progressively larger as each telecast has come and gone. Thank God this is the last one, otherwise her head might snap off under its weight.

6:07 p.m.: Is Seacrest tall? We always thought he was sort of on the wee side, which would make Josh Hutcherson from The Kids Are All Right the tiniest man in America, because his head comes up to Seacrest's armpit. Meanwhile: Steinfeld alert! From above, as she exits her limo, Hailee seems to be wearing a pinky-flesh toned princess dress that hits at her ankle. We are sort of disappointed, after the glory of her SAG stripes, but we also reserve judgment until we see more of it up close. She could still look fabulous even if it's not as cheerful. Melissa Leo seems to be in gold and white decoupage. Again: More later once the E! cameras get their acts together.

6:12 p.m.: Ryan has Melissa Leo, who is wearing a gown that has gold lame with what looks like a doily layered over it. She seems unsure as to what to do with Ryan as a person. While they chat, we get a shot of Mila Kunis, who's sporting a lavender gown and MAJOR BOOBS.

6:14 p.m.: E sends someone backstage to chat with Franco and Anne Hathway. It's quite painful. Honestly, if their hosting tonight is half as a terrible as this is, it may go down in history as the WORST HOSTING JOB EVER. Fingers crossed!

6:16 p.m.: Ryan grabs the reliably super-hammy Armie Hammer and his wife, whose hair is verging towards enormous, which looks like a trend tonight. Armie is incredibly hyper, as usual. While he chats, we get a shot of...DAPHNE ZUNIGA? We don't understand why Daphne Zuniga is at the Oscars, but who are we to look a Melrose Place reference gift horse in the mouth?

6:22 p.m.: Ryan comes back from the ads with Hailee Steinfeld, in an updo accessorized with a somewhat unneccessary headband, and wearing a very princess-y nude dress that we suspect is probably better in person than it is on camera. Dress aside, she is very cute, crinkling her nose when Ryan asks her if she's "always been so grown-up," and answering, wisely, "no." She then explains to him that she's in love with her dress, which she helped to design -- along with some professional help from the ladies at Marchesa. She is totally adorable, even if we are not sure how we feel about the frock.

6:47 p.m.: Note: You can see all the looks in Vulture's Red Carpet slideshow! As for us, we're looking at Guiliana and Kelly again, both of whom delicately talk around the fact that Mandy Moore looks less like Mandy Moore and more like Anne Hathaway. Thank god, sooner than later, Ryan grabs Mark Ruffalo and Sunrise Coigny, who looks delightfully nutty in a black and gold dress that would not have been out of place on an episode of Dynasty. While they talk, we get a shot of Jennifer Hudson, who's sporting orange, which looks lovely on her -- although we can't really see the dress itself.

6:26 p.m.: Mila Kunis's lavender ruffles, with a flesh-toned backing, are by Elie Saab. It's actually pretty, and we just hope she has a lot of boob tape on under there. The shot's on E are framed so weirdly that by looking at Ryan, she seems to be looking way off the left of the screen. She talks about eating 1200 calories a day and working out 5 hours a day. "Admirable discipline," we say as we dive into some Chex Mix.

6:28 p.m.: Wow, Mandy Moore, in her severe updo and harsh lipstick and sparkles, looks kind of... old? Hathaway-esque? We know those two things would appear to be at odds and yet both are true.

6:31 p.m.: Mandy is wearing Monique Lhuillier. But more importantly: Giuliana hasn't interviewed a single solitary soul, and seems to be marooned up in the skybox. Has E! kicked her off the main stage after that disastrous off-her-usual-C-game night at the SAG Awards? Wow. That is dramatic. And a hell of a lot more work for Seacrest, and yet he is probably thinking, "Game, set, and match, Rancic."

6:33 p.m.: Michelle Williams' gown is silvery, and not dishwater-colored as we had feared, but it is ... not working for us. She looks boxy, and also, there is a major illusion of sheerness that is unsettling to us -- especially if it turns out not to be an illusion at all, but in fact a ticket to Leg City.

6:34 p.m.: Michelle and Mandy Moore both seem to be suffering from excessive use of eyebrow pencil. Unfortunately, as much as we want to love MIchelle, she is also a terribly boring interview. Seacrest is doing all kinds of verbal gymnastics trying to get her to give rich answers, and her voice seems to have a Madonna-esque clipped accent to it -- like when Madge went to England and decided she was a native. So strange. Everything about that was strange.

6:39 p.m.: Amy Adams' blue sequins are a bit oppressive -- the high neck and cap sleeves aren't the most flattering, and her necklace sitting over it is an interesting choice that also looks vaguely... chokey. Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway is in a red dress with a butt pouch. No, really, it's a poof right over her bum, which... hey, girlfriend isn't going to be sitting down much tonight, so at least it makes sense logistically even if it's sort of weird visually. Hathaway was caught by the skycams twirling around. Glad she's having fun. We'll presumably see more of her later, but in the meantime, that's why God invented Internet slideshows -- in fact, Vulture's red carpet gallery is up now, and constantly updating as the stars arrive. .

6:41 p.m.: Zachary Levi is here, too, since he's performing with Mandy Moore. This might be the most press "Chuck" has ever gotten on TV, including from its home network NBC, and he hasn't even mentioned the show's name. Meanwhile, a restrained-looking Russell Brand in a navy (?) suit is with his adorable mother. She seems totally bemused by him, in an adorably maternal way. Meanwhile, our new favorite person, Sunrise Coigny -- aka Mrs. Mark Ruffalo -- has a giant sleeve poof. Bless. Come to the cameras, Sunrise.

6:43 p.m.: Giuliana says Amy Adams looks glamorous, with a massive note of surprise in her voice. What, because she normally looks like a hobo?

6:47 p.m.: Note: You can see all the looks in Vulture's Red Carpet slideshow! As for us, we're looking at Guiliana and Kelly again, both of whom delicately talk around the fact that Mandy Moore looks less like Mandy Moore and more like Anne Hathaway. Thank god, sooner than later, Ryan grabs Mark Ruffalo and Sunrise Coigny, who looks delightfully nutty in a black and gold dress that would not have been out of place on an episode of Dynasty. While they talk, we get a shot of Jennifer Hudson, who's sporting orange, which looks lovely on her -- although we can't really see the dress itself.

6:52 p.m.Thank you, E! for giving us a body shot of J Hud - and we decide that we like the dress. Her cleavage is on MAJOR display, but she's really working it and the color is amazing.

6:54 p.m.: Cate Blanchett is in the house and wearing a very... intriguing lavender gown which seems to include a built-in picture frame for her torso. It's VERY Blanchett of her. Ryan chats up Jennifer Hudson, who is as charming as ever -- apparently, she's presenting tonight and she's quite excited about it. It's sort of sweet to watch them talk, knowing about their shared history.

6:57 p.m.: Kelly calls J.Hud's dress "beautiful" and then says she never would've guessed it was Versace. Kelly can cross Versace off the list of people who will send her free stuff, I think.

6:59 p.m. We get a better look at Blanchett and...you guys, it's kind of awesome. It's DRAMATIC and sort of weird, but she looks pretty amazing in it. Unlike ScarJo, whose raspberry-colored lace dress seems too tight.

7:00 p.m.Kevin Spacey advises Jeremy Renner to find the car. Bring us something back, Jeremy! While he talks about The Social Network, the cameras make sweet love to Marisa Tomei, who looks cracked out in a navy (?) satin and tulle number. We also see Justin Timberlake, whose date is his mother and NOT Jessica Biel. Biel must be home eating Doritos like the rest of us. And fuming, presumably.

7:02 p.m. Giuliana appears concerned that ScarJo's butt is visible through her lace gown. We're all concerned, Giuliana.

7:07 p.m. Sharon Stone is there! She looks crazy, which is exactly how we like Sharon Stone. Her dress looks like a bird crashed against her shoulder and decided to die there.

7:09 p.m. JT 's mom is wearing a version of dress that Natalie Portman wore earlier in the year -- although Portman wore it in another color. She looks very pretty in it. Way to go, Mrs Timberlake. People's mothers are killing it tonight.

7:16 p.m. Helena Bonham Carter! She's in black, with her usual updo. The sleeves are sort of in pieces? I don't think E! appreciates our need to understand HBC's level of crazy. Meanwhile, Hilary Swank is in a silver strapless gown with feathery froof that starts about halfway down. HBC's comment about the BAFTAs was, "I got one. It was fine!" And now more of her outfit: Colleen Atwood helped er with it, so there's a corset and some hoo-ha on her bum, about which she says, "I've got a bit of a complex about my bum, so I decided to make it bigger."

7:19 p.m. Swank is presenting, apparently, She is not wearing a necklace, and her dress might be riding a little low for all that bare flesh, but she does have an adornment in her hair so that helps. It is still surreal for us to think that Hilary Swank (!!) is now an Oscar veteran. G and K love her dress, but K says it's not well tailored. Seriously, where is this new honesty coming from? It used to be all gushy-gushy all the time. Somebody must be giving live notes.

7:24 p.m. Helen MIrren is wearing grey, and the haircut is working much better. Kelly says she's "bangin'," and Kelly is correct. Ryan has Celine Dion, who had twins like an hour ago and is already tiny. She's singing "Smile" for the dead-person montage. That seems right. Her dress is sleek and metallic. Halle Berry is also in a metallic nude. What is up with the lack of color? Aren't all these people out for attention? What could be more attention-grabbing than that?

7:25 p.m. Penelope Cruz's hair looks awesome, as do her baby boobs. She's in dark red, and Sandra Bullock is in bright red. And WOW, Halle Berry has a lot of tulle stapled to her skirt. We are underwhelmed.

7:28 p.m. Reese Witherspoon poked her head out the car window, then... rolled it up and kept driving. All righty. We saw a bit of white and maybe a bit of black, and a very pretty updo. Judgment officially reserved until she at least gets out of the SUV.

7:29 p.m. Reese's hair is awesome -- it's very sixties. The dress is a black sheath with a white fold over the bodice, and it's pretty but basic. Nicole Kidman is wearing a white gown with some metallic detail and flaps that complicate her hips a bit. Penelope Cruz, with the red sheath and fiery glittery pattern on it, looks fantastic. That baby JUST came out and she is killing it more than almost any of these other yokels.

6:39 p.m.: Amy Adams' blue sequins are a bit oppressive -- the high neck and cap sleeves aren't the most flattering, and her necklace sitting over it is an interesting choice that also looks vaguely... chokey. Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway is in a red dress with a butt pouch. No, really, it's a poof right over her bum, which... hey, girlfriend isn't going to be sitting down much tonight, so at least it makes sense logistically even if it's sort of weird visually. Hathaway was caught by the skycams twirling around. Glad she's having fun. We'll presumably see more of her later, but in the meantime, that's why God invented Internet slideshows -- in fact, Vulture's red carpet gallery is up now, and constantly updating as the stars arrive. .

7:32 p.m. Gwyneth! She's in silver, with a slit v-neck. It's very slinky but not as flattering as you'd expect considering that she's the size of a toothpick. There is a hip adornment that adds some interest but even Seacrest can't seem to muster up much to say, either about her Calvin Klein, or to her in general -- possibly because she has made it her business to be everywhere lately, and thus we have already heard everything.

7:37 p.m. Christian Bale and his Boredom Beard (he once said he's only growing it because he isn't working right now). Bale's natural voice always comes out so much differently than I imagine it in my head. Sandra Bullock takes the E! spot next -- she appears to be there with her agent, but not in a, "WITH her agent, wink-wink," kind of way. Her red Vera Wang and her bun and her lipstick all work beautifully together. We are Team Bullock. Although I think the only people left who are Team Jesse James are Kat Von D and Jesse James.

7:42 p.m. Trump is there with Melania, who is in Dolce & Gabbana. I hope this doesn't mean Trump fired Michael Kors. If he did, I hope he found a camera and rolled it.

7:43 p.m. E! is using an inordinate amount of filler material for this late in the telecast -- usually by now we are getting people hurrying in fast and furious, but there's been a ton of Giuliana and Kelly recapping what we've already seen. We also just realized Portman hasn't shown up yet, but a big cheer just went up in the gallery so we're guessing it was either her, or Jon Hamm ran by in his boxers.

7:48 p.m. After the ads, Ryan is talking with Marky Mark and his wife, who always looks so crabby. Maybe she's sick of hearing him talk about his Good Vibrations. That joke has come back around to being funny again, right? Right? Never mind. Where is Natalie Portman, you guys? Is she too pregnant to walk the red carpet?

7:51 p.m. Kelly and Giuliana are already sort of wrapping up for the evening, it seems. Kelly is madly in love with Cate Blanchett, and we can't blame her.

7:56 p.m. ...and at the very last moment, Ryan gets a dazed-seeming Natalie Portman, in an purple empire-waist Rodarte gown. She looks quite pretty, although she seems very low energy. She must be tired, here at the end of the awards season march. "Well. This was fun," Giuliana says blankly, and Ryan closes out the evening. And with that, we throw you to David Edelstein's live blog of the ceremony on ABC. Thanks for hanging out with us tonight (and all awards season long)!

More Oscar coverage
The Oscars: The Complete Winners List
Oscar Wrap Up: What Worked and What Didn't
Dave Edelstein Live Blogs the Awards
Photo Gallery: Oscar’s Red Carpet Looks
Your Oscar Ballot
Vulture’s Oscar Predictions (see how we did)

Photo: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic