Found On The Windshield Of Missy Kambree’s 1993 Chrysler LeBaron…, by Ted Travelstead

ZADES EXTREME CRIME BLOTTER!

09/10 – Intersection of Grand and Bonnaview, 12:17 AM

Four youths attacked Zades with sticks while he was returning from the Tinee Giant convenience store. He dropped a Tombstone pizza, but was lucky not to drop BOTH Tombstone pizzas! The youths ran away with some yells from Zades following after them. One of the pants on them was yellow. Zades got some dirt on his cheek. No big deal.

09/10 – Break Room of Rainboe Foods, 2:00 PM

Apparently someone been stashing bulk bin candies up in the ceiling tiles. When Damen Hark was making his instant soup a bunch come crashing down on him. “It was like God busted a piñata,” he said. No one was hurt, but the fear of ants has got management more concerned than usual.

09/11 – Town Bank, 4:45 PM

The town bank was the sight of suspicious activity near closing time when security noticed two different men jiggling and jangling some keys in the same rhythmic fashion. When the guard approached one of the men with a request to stop making the noise, the other man began jangling more vigorously. The guard eventually began to cry because he could not persuade the men to stop.

09/11 – Pambro Farm, Dusk

That damn bird stole Meemaw’s nylon cord again.

09/12 – Resco Drugs, 11:20 AM

Manager Timothy Grumfer told the whole staff (Tammy and Kevin) to “go on take a smoke or somethin’, just scoot for half hour.” When they returned from out back, Grumfer had his shirt off and was singing Kenny Rogers at the top of his lungs. “He seemed real hot and sweaty, and the Xeroxer was broken,” said Tammy (last name withheld). No police were summoned to the scene.

09/12 – Pureview Landing Neighborhood, 3:45 PM

An officer told Zades to “quit peepin’,” and when Zades told the officer that he was merely watching out for the possible different crimes and asked to maybe ride along in the police cruiser for a while the officer shove Zades into a fence.

09/12 – Grooch Family Backyard, 9:20 PM

Dabney Grooch came out of his house to notice two men jumping on the family trampoline located in the backyard. One man held a two-liter bottle of drink, and both held tumblers. They were taking sips and laughing and cursing. Grooch chased them away with a patio broom, which caused both suspects to spill their drink and the trampoline is now sticky with a dried Sprite-like beverage. One of the jumping trespassers may have been old Ed Clark (not confirmed) because, according to Grooch, he was “wearing that dirty red bowler hat.”

09/13 – Donut Hole, 6:45 AM

It began to rain in the bathroom according to witness Kipp Sams, who was in there (bathroom) at the time. Cheryl, who works the counter, was skeptical, and seemed to think the deluge of water was caused by “an old prison trick” of Sams. Meanwhile Sams blamed the “draculas on the roof,” and said he wasn’t coming back for a while. No one seemed bothered by this.

09/13 – Deeson Auto Garage, Noon

Mr. Keiths found a bag of rotten shrimp in the glove compartment of Carl Win’s old tan K-Car. The whole garage had to be cleared for a good hour. Nan Willis, walking by with her laundry, went right back to the mat to wash it again. Ken threw up on his jeans. Carl wouldn’t say why he did it. Some don’t think he even knows himself.

09/14 – Dirt Bike Path, 1:30 PM

When Zades rode his mongoose bike through the “Devil’s Berm” it CAN BE CONFIRMED that Cary Slagg whipped a golf ball at him, and even though it was thrown underhanded, the way it hit Zades in the chin made him close his eyes enough to wreck. No permanent injuries were sustained, except that Karen Allison probably witnessed it because she was walking by with her girlfriends on the way to Fashion Bug (her sister work there).

09/15 – Freezie’s Ice Rink, 2:25 PM

Someone made a mess of that popcorn machine during “free skate” when Wendy Snider had to leave the concession stand to pull a diaper out of the commode. Even though the place was packed at the time none of them kids say they saw a thing. “Luckily popcorn ain’t gold or nothing,” said Wendy.

09/16 – KinderTown Daycare, 7:00 AM

Jared Feesh turn on the lights to find an obscenity painted over the Snoopy and Woodstock mural in the craft room. All doors were locked when he arrived so it could a been a “inside job,” he says, or “spirits.” He looked scared but determined as he scrubbed the wall.

09/16 – Lansing Park, 3:00 PM

A purple witch was spotted eating a stolen peach. When a man yelled out for her to drop it, she hissed, and an explosion sound happened. The man fell down, and no one saw her no more.

Ted Travelstead is a co-author of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk. Follow him on Twitter or watch him dance here.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Found On The Windshield Of Missy Kambree’s 1993 […]