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Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Plausible Deniability

After weeks of suspense, The Greatest Show of Our Time took a leap into unknown territory: the beginning of a relationship between Queen B and Lonely Boy. Can you imagine? For many of you skeptics, that one kiss alone tipped the episode toward the fake side. But between Vanessa's predictably hideous accessories and Serena's predictable cluelessness, this episode had all the hallmarks of the Gossip Girl we've all come to know and (when Jenny's not around) love: scandals, scheming, salacity, and some really great shoes. Without further ado, here's the Recap of the Recap, brought to you by hannah1721 and memy:

Realer Than Rufus Worrying About Dan Playing Second Fiddle to a Manipulative Upper East Side Socialite:
• +14 for the fact that in Nate's world, saying 'it just happened' is a good enough excuse for stealing someone's girlfriend. —Pinkfloyd

• Chuck: “Why put off a party you can throw today?” Now that’s the Chuck Bass I know. Plus 5. —Blondephoenixrising

• Of course Lily's favorite child is the one she can legally have sex with. Once a slut, always a slut. Plus 5 —brooklyn_for_life

• Rufus is SO excited when Dan suggests lunch. Obviously he hasn't been out of the house in the daylight in weeks. +5 —chuckismypuppy

• Of course Serena hid the documents in her underwear drawer-she never goes into the drawer, why would anyone else? You know that ho goes commando. +5 —NYCGG4233

• Many points for Rufus' mixed feelings of fear and relief when he thought Dan might become the next trophy husband. Because there's only room for one of those in the UES. —GipsyQueen

• Plus 5 for Gossip Girl doing it's part to bring real life issues some media attention: Ben's mother being lactose intolerant is probably the most poignant problem that has ever been portrayed on this show. —UESiderz

• I like how Serena takes the country folk on a tour of her six-figure penthouse and then busts out the poor people food in order to show that she's still "one of them". Plus 5 because she even kept the pizza in the box so the peasants wouldn't be distracted by the baccarat crystal. —kdow3

• Serena to Ben: “You were able to charm my whole family, I want the chance to be able to do the same.” Of course the resident female Labrador Retriever thinks she can charm even the mother of the man who got imprisoned because of her. +3 —purpleandpaisley

• Serena sounded bored during her break-up conversation with Ben. Her eyes were already roving the party looking for her next book-ish ex-con with a tendency towards violence and a heart of gold. +25 —ninak27

Faker Than Every Main and Minor Character Having the Same Exact Plotline:
• -5 for 'You're smarter than you look Archibald.' The resident Golden Retriever of the show also gets , 'Go get the tennis ball, go get the ball. Good boy!' —Harlowblair

• Serena's hiding spot. Please, everyone (and now everyone's mothers!) have been in there. Minus 3 —Theycallmestacey

• -5 for Lily not making lemonade out of lemons. Rufus totally could have taken the orange prison jumpsuit and used it to whip up a wraparound dress or some Halston-inspired cullottes creation, complete with a four-inch black patent leather belt to wear to the party. Take THAT, Mr. Thorpe!! —classof2008

• Ben is supposed to be a prison tough-guy who can scare Damien, but his face is always quivering like he's about to burst into tears - even when he talking to Serena about how happy he is. He has the perpetual appearance of a scared bird. Minus 5 for bad casting. —Scriptgrrl

• -100 for Chuck...NOW he realizes that Blair is the only one who will understand? Why does Chuck's brain always work like he is on cheap street drugs? —Bowtiesandheadbands

• -50 for the 'the Serena Face', a combination of weird Blake Lively pouting and rolling of the eyes almost completely back into the skull, used to demonstrate displeasure with any friends, boyfriends or civilians who have acted in a manner that does not put the needs of Serena, Serena's family, or Serena's obnoxious rack before any other consideration. —EJD

• Serena was wearing jean and covered her cleavage for half the episode?! Minus 5. This really threw me off because I could hardly recognize her out of her call girl couture. Thankfully her blouse at Chuck's party was sheer and the world began to make sense again. —JulieFB

• -10 for yet another Father of the Year (or really, for the writers who seem to have forgotten that Raina doesn't know her mother was a martyr, not a ho.) —ParisGossip

• minus 20 for having to wait until April 18th to see cece again. —PolishPeriogi

• I realize people on this show travel at the speed of light, but there is no way Billy Baldwin rallied up a helicopter, flew from who-knows-where and arrived at the DA's office within an hour. minus only 7, because now we know where S gets it from. —Nikole0602

• Rufus is married to Lily yet he chastised Dan for associating with Blair. Did he forget that his wife lied to him about a kid that they had, threw him to the curb when she thought she had cancer and intentionally put an innocent man in jail? Yes, Rufus, you're an excellent judge of character. - 10. —Hoyagirl05

• -1 for Lily not replacing "big heart" with "big rack" when describing her. You can tell she wanted to. —Southerncomfort

• Anyone else thought Ben's mom was Lady Catherine, the rich lady Nate gigalo'ed a few seasons ago? If they bring back the person who died in the fire from 2 years ago, I wouldn't even have been surprised if they had brought Lady Catherine-type skeletons back too. No points, just -4 seasons of ridiculous plotlines. —Gumdropcookies

• You know, there has not been a single party without blackmail or devastating secrets being revealed. Makes me wonder why these people would still attend and throw parties week after week. Does anyone actually have fun? Ever? -20 —Tammyxcore

• Blair: The world just wasn't ready for a Humphrey/Waldorf friendship. She'd never list his name before hers. Alphabetical order and Emily Post be damned! Minus 5. —Kdow3

• What father tells his kid that their mother abandoned them rather than (the truth) that she died? Even Bart Bass knew enough to conveniently kill off Evelyn, and he had the paternal instincts of a rabid dog. Or a WASP. I expect better of Boatman. -150 —Trumpetstrumpet

• I also realized that not one dude on this show has ever heard the term "bros before hoes —Chuckismyhomeboy

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW