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Jersey Shore Recap: Dog Torture, Facials, and Fighting

This was one of those episodes that was great for the first eight minutes, and horrifying for the last eight minutes. Everything in between was a dullish montage of water fights, Jenkinson's, and pistachio nut commercials. Here are the disgusting dozen moments that caught our eye and gave us conjunctivitis.

1. "It's an Actual Island!"
Pauly and Vinny go on a road trip to Staten Island to visit Vinny's family. Admittedly, we assumed Staten Island was going to make Seaside look like Vienna, but that's just because we've never been. Vinny's family was delightful, and the food looked delicious. We'd met Vinny's mom back in season one, and now we got to meet his 40 uncles, one of whom was wearing an XXXL version of a Charlie Sheen Two and Half Men shirt.

2. Who Let the Dogs Out?
Sitch has morphed from amiable rascal to devious prick. His evil machinations are part Lex Luthor, part Pierce from Community, and this time, he may have PETA to deal with. Either in retaliation for being cheese'd last week, or crestfallen at being left alone again, Sitch decided to exact vengeance on the house by poisoning JWOWW'S dogs. First, he drinks a leftover cup of cigarette ashwater punch, then he feeds the dogs Doritos, peanut butter, fluff, old pizza, and garbage. Sure, Snooki has subsisted solely on this for years, but it made the dogs crap and pee all over the house. This was apparently Sitch's "master plan." When the girls got home, they figured it out right away — after living with Deena and a clogged toilet for several weeks, JWOWW's sense of poop has become even more acute. Plus, Mike left his telltale cologne all over one of the dogs, which was probably more harmful to them than eating the fluff. This whole sequence was played for laughs, but all it did was show the darkness in Mike's soul. Remember that episode of The Sopranos where the gang went to Italy, and Christopher just stayed in his hotel room the entire time shooting heroin? We feel like that's what's in store for Mike when the Shore cast goes to Italy for season four.

3. Karma, Part 1
The girls decided to overlook Mike's animal abuse, and everyone got ready for a night at Karma: "Cabs happen to be here!" Snooki meets a Pauly D clone — Pauly D-sguise — and Vanna Orange is thrilled to learn that his last name, Stefano, ends in a VOWEL! That and a tan will get you in with Snooki. So, Colonel Qaddafi, you'd best get your ass out of Libya and headed over to Seaside now, because a sloppy smush date with Snooki and a crusty stuffed crocodile awaits! Meanwhile, Ron lumbers creepily over to Sammi and kisses her the only way he knows how: violently. On the way home, Snooki falls down and bloodies up her knee, and now she and Deena have matching Skankmata. With two Band-Aids and some Neosporin, Nick successfully barters for sex with Snooki. But Sam and Ron decide to mope in separate beds!

4. Vin Tans/Roger Dips
Vinny and his light beige complexion are too pale for the house, so he decides to go spray tanning. Why are they treating this like it's his first time? Is it? He hasn't been "T"ing? Also, if the sight of him in his black underpants is any indication, he hasn't been "G"ing much, either. He sort of has a Steve Carell–ish stocky, wrestler's build. No matter, the tan has made him even more "mint." But the big "story," we guess, is that on the way to Simply Sun, the gang spotted Roger and he "did the dip," zigzagging out of traffic to avoid JWOWW. And now we've entered the filler part of the show ...

5. Stupid Water Fight
As everyone's discussing the reasons for Roger's dip (girl in the car? dead grandmother? If we had to guess, we'd say "wired and paranoid"), JWOWW leaves him a nasty message. For no reason whatsoever, a water fight then breaks out between the girls and guys. After an attack gone awry, Pauly shouts "Plan B", which we're sure he's shouted before at a girl, but in a completely different context. Deena's episode highlight is taking a spill while wrapped in plastic. If only she used this much protection all the time. In a testament to good time management, Roger is able to present JWOWW with an airtight alibi for his earlier dip: He was rushing from the gym to the barber! He only had five minutes to get there! JWOWW buys it, so that subplot ends with a whimper.

6. "Same Shit, Different Toilet"
JWOWW perfectly sums up SamRon's relationship, as well as the feces-centric arc of season three, and coins a new T-shirt slogan in the process. After their drippy make-out the night before, SamRon have a state of their union discussion, which basically involves them repeating each other's words in a less fun version of Simon Says: "I love you"... "No, I love you." They make an agreement to try to work things out. Hopefully, Sammi didn't get too attached to her new eyeglass frames, since they're about to be stepped on.

7. So That's Jenks???
A few weeks ago, Deena and Snooki were kidnapped by a cab driver and taken to Manhattan instead of "Jenkinson's" (Mike pulled the strings on this one, too). After getting a glimpse of Jenks, the girls should have been thanking Mike profusely for the trip to New York. The gang is so excited to get out of Seaside for a place that ... looks exactly like Seaside, except with a batting cage and some penguins. Snooki deems Jenks "Gorilla Central," but these Gorillas are "Jacked Hideous" up close. We're assuming this is all bad. After a trip to the aquarium (we wished Pauly D would have fake narrated the penguin encounter like Morgan Freeman) and a moment of unscripted stupidity (penguins are birds, not mammals), they go home. That's it. No punching, no falling down, no make-outs. So to sum up, the core of this episode has included: a misunderstanding with Roger, a manufactured water fight, and this dud of a road trip. Things better pick up soon ...

8. Mike Gives Snooki a Facial
... and they don't! It's mildly amusing to get a glimpse into Mike's cleanser bag, but the term "Mike gives Snooki a facial" is far more entertaining than ... Mike literally giving Snooki a facial mask. Although it did give Vinny the best line of the night: "She looks like The Crow", and a chance for everyone to give Marcel Marsnook some mime instructions. "The cabs are here!!!!" Thank God! Incidentally, Pauly's "cabs are here" is way better than Mike's "cabs are here." It's almost as if he deliberately said it quietly, so nobody would know that the cabs were indeed there. What a dick.

9. Karma, Part 2: Arvin and the Chipmunks
Things finally get interesting at Karma with the introduction of Mike's pal Arvin, who not only looks like Lou Ferrigno but also has the distinction of having the worst name in the history of this or any other show since Head of the Class. Anyway, Arvin's a "juiced up Guido MacGyver" with a secret: He's been texting with Sam! If Evil Mike had a mustache, he'd be twirling it maniacally as he plans on destroying Sam and Ron forever. Phase 1: Tell all the roommates ...

10. Girl Code vs. Guy Code
In an emergency roommate meeting, it's determined that Snooki needs to warn Sam ("girl code") while Mike needs to rat out Sam to Ron ("guy code"). Oh, and if someone draws a picture of soup with chalk on your fence, that's "Hobo Code." We got that from a Mad Men recap. Sam and Ron's reactions to this news are predictable: Sam lies ("I don't know him ... oh wait, he's my friend from home") and Ron freaks the fuck out. This leads to a tense confrontation in the back of the kitchen from Goodfellas. Ron is awful. To sum up: He's upset because after he destroyed all Sam's things and psychologically abused her, she had the audacity to ... text a friend? While they were broken up?

11. Get Your Popcorn Ready! As Well As a Number for a Domestic Abuse Hotline. Get that Ready, Too.
Back at home, the guys are getting ready to settle in and watch the Sam-Ron-Mike fireworks. Pauly's making a peanut-butter-Fluff sandwich (which means he should poop on the carpet soon, like JWOWW's dogs) and breaking down the scorecard: Everyone thought that Sammi was so innocent, that it was 0–0, but Sammi's really up one! Um, ok! Then, like a Mexican standoff in a Quentin Tarantino movie, Ron and Sam take their seats on the couch. It's quiet until ... Sam tears into Mike: "You're grimy and two-faced!" Correct on both counts! Ron yells at Sam: "You're shady!" Ron is enraged. It's getting intense. Why couldn't this have been the whole episode instead of Jenks/water fight/Roger dip/facial?

12. And, Things Take an Ugly Turn ...
As Sam and Ron take their fight upstairs (never a good sign), Pauly perfectly captures the mood of the audience: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." Ron continues to yell at Sam, cornering her, putting his hands on her, and you know, you just know that he wants to hit her, and it seems possible that he might have if the cameras hadn't been on. He's a scary, insecure, abusive bully; why couldn't Lean Cuisine shit all over his bed? Tune in next week, as Sammi will no doubt reward Ron's disturbing behavior with a quick handie under the comforter and an "I love you, baby."

Honorable Mentions/Burning Questions
- JWOWW says she's doing Nails, then "GTL". Shouldn't you get your nails done after the gym and laundry?
- Why does it seem like their pajamas and going-out clothes are all the same?
- Mike's colored contacts make him look extra creepy.

Photo: MTV