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Jersey Shore Recap: Tales of Anti-Romance

With its rap battles, scheming girlfriends, hoodies, drunken mothers, and everyone saying "shady" a lot, this episode was like an homage to 8 Mile. Also, we're now legitimately concerned that by writing these recaps we'll be called to testify in the SamRon murder/suicide that looks more and more likely to occur. There were plenty of other notable events, too, as you'll see in the penultimate Filthy Dozen of the season.

1. Deena in a Box
Yes, MTV is planning JS spinoffs involving JWOWW, Snooki, and Pauly D. But we think the cast member who most deserves her own show is Deena. And it would cost nothing, since all MTV would have to do is lock Deena in a room with some schnapps and a cardboard box and just let the magic happen. Actually, forget the show: Deena's Box could be its own network. We say this without hyperbole; Deena drunkenly trying to stuff herself inside a cardboard box was the greatest moment in television history (was she trying to mail herself to the Rock of Love bus?), surpassing the moon landing and the royal wedding. Years from now, people will still be asking each other where they were when a box-covered Deena writhed around on the floor saying "I feel like a spaceship." And to think, this almost didn't happen after Snooki kicked the box away from Deena, because she "likes to punt shit"!

2. At What Point Does the Camera Crew Step In?
SamRon continued their argument over Arvin, with Ron cornering, shoving, and yelling horrible things at Sam. And Sam's apologizing to him, which makes the whole scenario even more unbearable. Ron says that Sam's texting Arvin while they were broken up was "mad shady." No, you insecure, paranoid dickhead, "mad shady" is doing commercials for a hazardous product that is ostensibly a mix of HGH and anti-freeze. "Mad shady" is what happens every time you're in a room with Sammi and a futon. Need we continue this list?

3. The Least Romantic Date We've Ever Seen
The show continues to mine the Vinny-Snooki "will they or won't they ... get drunk enough to have sex without crying/vomiting on one another" story line as Vinny takes Snooki out on a date to a sad little restaurant that features a roll of Bounty on each table as a centerpiece. Over beer-battered onion rings, which Snooki treated like escargot, Snook got jealous over Vinny's tales of sexual conquest. She claims that she and Vinny are "friends with benefits" — that is, if you can see the "benefit" of a messy three-minute scuttling from behind in a room with a camera crew, two roommates, two barking dogs, and a syphilitic stuffed crocodile.

4. Today, Vinny Becomes a Man …
By doing something that girls in grade school do with much less fanfare: He got his ears pierced! By Danny! (This man's variety of skills never cease to amaze: Is there anything he can't do?) Anyway, this seemingly innocuous event actually marked a turning point for Vinny, as his earrings seemed to give him a bravado and swagger heretofore not seen.

5. Why Is the Studio Audience From Regis and Kelly at Aztec?
Everyone's getting ready to go out to Aztec: Deena's putting on her tightest denim shorteralls, which prompts a very accurate reenactment of Super Mario Brothers by Pauly D and the Nintendorks. JWOWW's wearing her purple "Sexy Grimace" outfit (Halloween '11 trend alert: Plenty of of drunken 23-year-old women will be dressed as "Sexy Grimace"). Only SamRon stay behind to have some wine and talk, as if they're characters in every Alan Alda movie our parents saw between 1978 and 1983. But the girls at Aztec aren't up to MVP's lofty standards. Vinny waxes poetic: "Through the grenades, I'm always looking to find the flower that's in the weeds," which he may or may not have plaigarized from Leonard Cohen or "In Flanders Fields." Meanwhile, as the gang — OH HOLY FUCK IT'S DANIELLE THE STALKER! Pauly and Vinny manage to escape, only to run into a collection of grinding, heavy-set, middle-aged aunts (wearing Steven Tyler's blouses from Wednesday night's Idol) who now take The Situation's title as the only person over 45 to ever appear on Jersey Shore.

6. We Take It Back: This Is the Least Romantic Date We've Ever Seen
Sammi, clinging to the arm of an unresponsive Ron, apologizing to him as he grotesquely mauls a mustard sandwich. She says she feels stupid, which is accurate, but also better than feeling murdered by her psychotic boyfriend. As Ron continues to slobber and smack his way through dinner, Sammi thinks the evening is going great. Truly. I guess any time that Ronnie's not destroying your things and calling you the C-word constitutes a great date. So after some foreplay (dishwashing and throwing out garbage), Ron tells a grateful Sam that she can now collect her things from downstairs and have sex with him. Such a mensch.

7. Vinny's Earrings Turn Him Into an Asshole
Vinny and Pauly take two girls home, one of whom pointedly notes that the house "smells like Band-Aids." And if you've seen the amount of scabs and wounds on Deena and Snooki, then you know this is undoubtedly true. What happens next is somewhat confusing. One of the girl's brothers comes over, seemingly to find out how his sister and her friend are getting home that night. Okay. Then, Pauly D tells him that he can take one of the girls home, but the other one is going to spend the night. Still not sure which one was the guy's sister, but either one had a good reason to be offended by that remark. Either way, the visitor had no problem with (a) these pricks telling him that his sister was ugly or (b) them saying they're going to bang his sister and that he can pick her up in a few hours, which makes this guy the worst brother since David Greenglass. (This reference is for all the fans of Woody Allen and the Rosenberg trials, and we're sure there are many of you. What we're saying is we couldn't come up with a better example of a bad brother.) Then, out of nowhere, Vinny throws everyone out of the house and grabs Snooki. Deena sums this all up perfectly. The girls "didn't come here for pastries and coffee, they came here to do sex with Pauly and Vinny."

8. Nobody Puts Snooki in a Corner … But They Do Dry-Hump Her on a Balcony
We're not sure what Vinny's on, but it's having the same effect on him as caffeine pills had on Jessie Spano in Saved by the Bell. He spends the rest of the evening dragging Snooki by the neck, making them SamRon lite. We're also not sure if he was kidding when he kept pinning her against the wall and dry-humping her. But in spite of these gallant, heroic gestures, Snooki is unmoved: She is not anyone's "last resort." Vinny then gets into an awesome rap battle with Sammi that ends abruptly when he calls her a sneaky bitch. Pauly's excited, though, even though someone's put Kool-Aid on his Jordans. Is that a euphemism or what actually happened?

9. Last Days of the Shore Store …
Pretty uneventful except for the new line of his or hers Jersey Shore underpants that was unveiled. Sitch is slacking off, and he's running neck and neck with Deena for worst shore-store employee. Mike decides to take a nap in a changing room, and Danny can't find him. He should just ask the second camera unit that's been filming Mike where he is. Mike gets "fired," which even he and Danny acknowledge is ridiculous. He is right when he tells Mike that he'll "never amount to anything," though.

10. Ron's Awesome Mom, Connie!
Remember when we said Deena's Box would be a great spinoff? Scratch that: Ron's Mom is the show we want to see. At first, when she called, we weren't sure if it was a 2-year-old boy pranking the house — but no! It was CONNIE, Ron's drunk mom! Snitch, for some reason, decides to tell her all about SamRonArvin, and we're not sure why that's a big deal, since in her state, she has no idea what "Arvin" means. When we met Ron's dad a few weeks ago, he seemed like a reasonable, mustachioed fellow. We wondered where Ron got his unstable side. Now we know. JWOWW had one of the show's best lines when she informed Ron, "Two things: Please clean that bathroom upstairs, and your mom's been drunk-dialing all day."

11. Friends With Benefits
Not part of the show, but we had to say something about the lengthy trailer for that apparent piece of crap movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, which is apparently a remake of that proven piece of crap movie with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

12. Law and Arvin
The episode concludes with Mike getting all prosecutorial on Sam, with surprisingly effective results. They get into a heated argument. Sam: "You're a shady scumbag." Mike: "You're the worst argument person ever." The house takes sides, with the guys for some reason inflaming Mike's temper by equating Sam's texts to Arvin to, say, hooking up with two skankwhores in Miami. The girls stand by Sammi. Mike and Ron then call Arvin, who reveals that he ... once made out with Sammi, perhaps before she even knew who Ron was? The timeline is unclear. What is clear, though, is that next week's season finale will feature an attempt on Sam's life, for which she'll apologize.

Honorable mentions:
- After seeing Sitch's groan-inducing Donald Trump roast and Snooki's elegant wrestling debut, perhaps they should NOT quit their day job at shore store.
- Deena showing us her magenta velour shamrock when she rolled around in the cardboard box.
- Does Vin know what a roller coaster is? His analogy left us with questions.
- Sitch wearing his own Sitch sweatshirt. Can that turn him invisible?
- "Danielle is the only thing that scares me in Seaside." Do we need to fax Pauly the long list of much scarier things?
- Aztec temporarily called "Leftovers." Hide your Tupperware, fellas!
- Pauly slinking out in the background with his gear as SamRon erupts yet again. PLAN DISTINGUISHED.
- Ten Rogers.
- We'd like to applaud Sam's industrial-strength waterproof grey sweatpants/rain poncho pants.