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The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Party Time!

1. Adriana Recaps
Fredric: So, tell me about your night out with the girls.
Adriana: Oh, you know. I made a big point about gawking at male models in Speedos, then I got up on the catwalk and mock-modeled while people looked away in embarrassment, then I let a couple of slimy douchebags rub up against me at a members-only club, all of which attests to my sky-high and unimpeachable self-esteem. The other girls pretend to feel sorry for me because of my precarious financial situation, but they’re just jealous. Man, it's exhausting living up to this “Brazilian” thing. Am I doing a good job, you think?
Fredric: I love your top.

2. Lea Works Harder Than Anyone Else on Earth
Lea: So, I do this charity event every year — the Black’s Annual Gala — to benefit the families of people who go to jail. Did you know they send poor people to jail all the time? People who don’t have the money to pay my husband to get them out, like Joe Francis? Well, they do, and then their families are screwed. Joe Francis created Girls Gone Wild. He’s on my celebrity guest list, along with Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They get gift baskets. Anyway, what I do is get a bunch of people to donate obscenely expensive items that nobody needs and then get another bunch of gazillionaires drunk enough to try to outbid each other. Will that be hard to do in this economy? Assistant girl? I’m seriously asking because I don’t know what that means, “this economy.”

3. Alexia Runs Her Magazine Her Way
Herman Jr.: Evil stepmother dude? My friends are making fun of me because all we do in our family-owned and operated magazine is run pictures of your “socialite” friends.
Alexia: Listen to me, you fat troll. Just because your daddy made you business cards that say "editor" doesn’t mean anyone actually wants to hear your opinion. This is my vanity project, understand? And another thing? Your friends are just jealous because they have to live in Hialeah. They’re “lower people,” do you know what that means? That means they buy the magazine because they wish they could look like us, dress like us, basically be us, but they can’t. We’ll take their money, of course. Besides, the Miami socialite scene is whoever I say it is and usually wherever I happen to be standing. That’s who deserves to be in the magazine. If you’re insinuating that I’m using this magazine to promote myself or my friends, let me just remind you that we don’t need it. The lower people would stalk us and shoot our pictures themselves if they had to, they so want to gaze upon us.
Herman Jr: My mother is right. You are a stupid whore.

4. Cristy Hosts Lunch
Cristy: I’m having the girls over for Cuban food! Because I’m so Cuban! Look at my shirt! It says “I Love Cuba!” That proves it. Lea’s party was cute, but mine is Cuban! I even have this super-annoying TV chef over here, making arroz con pollo. He’s just opening a bunch of cans and throwing everything in a crockpot, but he’s Cuban!
Chef: Ay, ay, ay, I’m Chef Pepeeeeeeen! It’s so lucrrrrative to be a sterrrrreotype! Ay, ay!
Alexia: Cristy and I went to the same high school, which I mention only in the hope that you’ll somehow think that means we went at the same time, and we both fell in love at a young age — I with a Cuban-American and she with an African-American. I’m not saying one is worse than the other, I’m just implying it.
Cristy: Oh my God, so Adriana forgot to pick up her kid from school, and then she freaked out and made my luncheon all about her!
Adriana: Fredric hung up on my face!
Cristy: What? He hung up on your face? You need to get this man in check. He’s either going to have to kiss your ass 25-7 or good-bye! That’s what I did and I got this tennis court. Look at me. I’m happiness personified. My ex-husband is going bankrupt. He keeps begging me to sell the house, but I’m like, no way!
Larsa: Yeah! Look at you! You’re so hot! He needs to pay with his totally slavish devotion! Throw his suits out on the lawn, that always works. Then get the maid to clean it up when he takes off for four days.
Alexia: Now, girls. He went to pick up Ollex. And I mean, he’s working! He’s making the money! That’s the most important thing. I’ll put up with anything as long as there’s money involved. Um, did you guys read the Miami Herald article about what my ex-husband did for a living back in the “Miami Vice” days, by any chance?
Larsa: Girlfriend is the total package! She goes to the highest bidder! That’s the way these transactions work! You’re so naive.
Alexia: It’s easy for them to judge Adriana because they have all that help at home. I know what it’s like to have your life upended by the authorities and have to pick up your own kids — that’s why I’m so balanced. I understand the lower people.
All: Sex strike!

5. Adriana and Fredric Talk About Their Feelings
Adriana: Can I talk to you about my feelings? Okay, so, I forgot that my son was getting out of school early. I had to remember to eat lunch with my friends that day, too. I can’t remember everything! Then I called you to go pick him up and you snapped at me! That was so mean!
Fredric: I was in an important meeting!
Adriana: The French is so moody.

6. Larsa Talks About the Meaning of Friendship
Larsa: Tara and Mary are my sidekicks. I can totally count on them. Like, if I want to go shopping, they always say yes. Anyway, so I’m telling them about how lame my good friend Cristy’s lunch was, and how she’s never used her stove, and my friend Tara says she must have good nannies that cook for her, which made me so mad thinking about my lame, horrible nannies! I have the worst nannies ever! I want to kill them! It makes me so mad that they’re not more subservient to me. I make up names for them like "snail," "turtle," "worthless excuse for a human." I must have fired 50 nannies since January. I love firing them.
Tara: You’re so good with the servants. It’s so hot.

7. Alexia and Adriana Have a Heart-to-Heart
Alexia: I’m glad things are better for you and Fredric. Those other bitches don’t understand all we have to do. Of course I can afford a driver, but I choose not to have one.
Adriana: Me too! That’s why I just have one kid, so I can forget to pick him up all on his own instead of forgetting kids all over town. I’m not a breeder, you know? I don’t just pop them out for the child-support payments.
Alexia: It’s so hard to be a woman nowadays. It’s like being a coal miner, only you have to look sexy.

8. Larsa Packs
Larsa: Hey, check out my closet! Here’s where about $100 million of the $120 million Scottie has lost went. Where’s my damn nanny? Why isn’t she packing? I’m going to get my mom to fire her. God, I love mistreating the help.

9. Lea Preps for the Gala
Lea: Joe Francis is here! I got him out of jail by going on a sex strike! Isn’t that adorable? Joe Francis is such a sweetheart. I’m really flattered that he knows my name. Do you think he’ll ever put me in one of his videos? That would be such a hoot.

10. Marysol Preps for the Gala
Marysol: You think my makeup artist is scary? Wait until you see my mom again. I see her practically every day and it never fails to shock me. Like when I said, “You look so surprised?” I really can’t tell. Her face registers no emotion whatsoever. It’s a paralyzed slab of necrotic flesh. I love my mommy.

11. The Party
Alexia: Me and Herman get invited to everything, because if we don’t we won’t cover it. Also, people really like us.
Lea: Oh my God, Rick Ross is here! Who’s Rick Ross again? Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta! Oh my God, you’re a star! You’re my hero! I’m not fit to touch the hem of your wig!
Adriana: Bouncer, how dare you not recognize me! I’m outrageously insecure about my social stature as it is! How dare you compromise my self-esteem! I’m on the committee! I don’t know why my fiancé dressed as a waiter!
Alexia: Herman got drunk and started bidding on a Rolls, and I let it slip how worried I am about money. Sex strike!
Cristy: I’m here! Made it! Brought some friends to show our support by not paying. Oh, hello bartender. How about a drink in exchange for a meaningful look?
Lea: There are rules in the Miami social club. There’s a protocol — sort of a code of honor, I mean conduct. You don’t flaunt the code. Not if you like your kneecaps. That bitch is going to pay. No, literally. I’m going to invoice her.

Photo: Bravo