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The-Dream Didn’t Try Too Hard on Kim Kardashian’s Single

After what's felt like an interminably long wait, amid so many false starts, teases, and wild-eyed promises, it's here: Kim Kardashian's first single. Really. But — maybe it shouldn’t be? See, the pop song's basics are taken care of: a bluntly thumping drumbeat, jumpy synths, lyrics about partying. But Kim's vocals — described by various members of the Vulture staff as sounding as if they are emanating from a baby that is either very bored or very drugged — don't quite sell the package on "Turn It Up." (You can practically see her reading the words off her BlackBerry.) Not helping is this particularly lazy, almost to the point of bizarre, batch of lyrics: stuff like “all I see is angels in the sky” and “Maybach in the front / make out with any boy that I want” and “got my hands up / celebrate my birthday / five more shots of tequila” (although not mentioning Patron by name is a rare, appreciated, omission) and “on the floor I can't stay still / and I'm going to work like I'm paying my bills” sounds aggressively strange when delivered in a presumably unintentional deadpan. Toward the end, The-Dream — who produced this and is supposedly master-minding Kim's entire musical career — comes in with a few bars of “they playing my jam” and some of his trademark falsetto, and you almost start to understand what he was going for in the first place. But it can't save Kim here. Nothing can.

Photo: Valerie Macon/Getty Images