Don’t worry; Conan isn’t actually comparing network battle strategies with Sheen, if hurtling down an emotional and social log flume towards almost certain destruction can be called a “strategy.” No, Conan called Charlie Sheen a genius at the Hollywood Bites Back malaria benefit this weekend for essentially mimicking Coco’s exit strategy, with one very important difference. “A year ago, I got into a fight with my network - big fight, big fight with my network. And then I said ‘Fuck you, I’m out of here.’ I walked out and then I went on a tour all around the country, 42 cities and then I lost my mind,” O’Brien explained. “Alright? One year to the day later, Charlie Sheen - big fight with his network, says ‘Fuck you, I’m out of here,’ walks out, goes on a 42-city tour, loses his mind, but brings two porn stars with him. That man is a genius! I blew it! I didn’t bring porn stars.” Surely Jack McBrayer’s worth two porn stars? Though if either of them studied at iO, we’re looking at a draw.
Instead, Coco went a little more personal, a little more niche with his erotic performer of choice: “I brought two chess champions and had them make out. Two dudes. It was terrible. I liked watching it, it fulfilled my fantasy, but no one else seemed to care.” You just have to your gut, Conan, up until it starts telling you to publicly rant about your clean urine samples.