This week’s episode of The Greatest Show of Our Time brought our characters back to basics with a badass Bass, fairytale-seeking Blair, befuddled Serena, spurned Vanessa and, thankfully, a lonely lonelyboy. All seems to be in place on the Upper East Side, with a handy monitor to remind them not to step out of line (or worse: downtown). When you weren’t reveling in Serena’s failed attempt at a scheme and Chuck’s wallowing debauchery, you were offended by a Waldorf being called a “commoner,” Vanessa’s return, and Serena’s lack of rhombus cleavage. And now, on to quidditch424’s recap of the recap.
Realer Than Backstabbing Socialites on the Upper East Side
• There were 15 individual “Gilt” logos shown, plus multiple cutbacks to them, making Gilt appear at least 20 times in this episode. Vanessa appeared TWICE and Jenny was referenced ONCE. +10 for product placement outranking Jenny and Vanessa’s characters. —Recklesslyawkies
• +20 for Chuck not hiring an actor to play Raina’s mom. Aw. It’s like he really liked her. —Lucysage
• +10 for Rufus’s face when Serena says CBGB is a clothing store. It’s just so clear that he’s aware of its transferal as a metaphor for his own life. —Kdow3
• The book Nate is “reading” when he and Chuck talk about finding Raina’s mom has blank pages. +5. —imnotfriendswithstaff
• Hmmm … I think the gag about the sex tape skirt stemmed from the fact that Blair was shopping in Serena’s closet, not her own (that ominous ravenscape on the wall behind her means she was in Serena’s room). But +5 for hypothetical Chair Coco/Ice T role-play anyway. —jubileejubilee
• +5 for Dorota and Blair’s minions’ cutesy waves to each other before receiving Queen B’s orders. You know the three of them secretly get together to kvetch about being B’s bitches. parisgossip
• +100 for the cameras sparkling like stars when Blair and the Prince are kissing in front of the photographers. Glad to have it confirmed that all things are better when making out with royalty. —youngandincorrigible
• When Charlie presents Serena with multiple pieces of potential evidence about Blair and Dan, Serena easily dismisses each of them without a second thought. This is why she is no good at scheming. Real. +5 —chuckismypuppy
• +10 for The Pierces “We Are Stars” playing when Blair and The Prince of Nothing drive away together. Brings back memories from the 1st season cotillion = the golden age of this show! —theunlikelyballerina
• Because isn’t that pocket square kept handy to wipe away any evidence from his nose? Chuck is that classy even in debauchery. +10 —chuckismyhomeboy
• After Anne Archibald calls Lily out for being a bitch, Lily proceeds to lure the cops to the party in order to break it up without even considering the fact that this was a fundraising party to benefit breast cancer. Plus a tentative 5 for character consistency. It’s not much of a stretch between the selfishness it takes for a person to put an innocent man in jail, and the stopping of a fundraiser to help cure cancer, just because some woman finally brings major uncomfortable truths about your character out in the open. —ohyeahright
• +10 for the Howard Hughes reference. Not only a great line in itself, but it also matches Eleanor’s line towards the end of the last season when she referred to Blair’s living-in-her-room situation after she broke up with Chuck as “like living with Howard Hughes.” Extra points if the writers actually realized they were making yet another connection between Chuck and Blair. —chuckmebass
• Blair says that, now that Louis is in her country, she’ll show him the best New York has to offer. Cause that’s the extent of Queen B’s jurisdiction; nothing else is worth the Prince’s time. +2 —signaturescarf
• “Nate: Single malt for breakfast?/Chuck: It takes the edge off the coke.”
Bazinga! Coupled with the call to Andrew the PI…The return of badass Chuck? + 10” —jnp1013
• Leave it to Nate to act shocked that Chuck is an alcoholic. I’m surprised he doesn’t have to write notes all over his body Leonard Shelby style to keep up. +3 —tammyxcore
Faker Than Looking Through Serena’s Closet for a Classy Outfit
• Did anyone else notice that after Dan and Blair confront Serena she says her famous, frazzled, “I have to go.” But then actually doesn’t go anywhere? She just turns around and starts awkwardly riffling through something until Dan is the one who actually leaves. -25 for Serena sucking at life. —MonCheri784
• -50 for Veselka being so empty. That place squashes in every last table so they can stuff the faces of all the city’s pierogi eaters. —mimi52000
• How does Charlie even know how to get to Brooklyn, much less where Dan lives? -5. —fromaradio
• According to Rufus, Dan shouldn’t give up his lifelong friendship with Vanessa unless he gives it some thought. Perhaps Rufus has forgotten that Dan has actually been reconsidering his friendship with Vanessa since she reappeared in season one. Perhaps Rufus also forgot that she was involved in the social embarrassment, drugging, and kidnapping of his stepdaughter/Dan’s stepsister/Dan’s on-again-off-again-girlfriend. Let’s ignore the near-incestuous connections here and focus on the facts: V. put the nail in she and Dan’s coffin herself. -25 for Rufus even suggesting that Vanessa be redeemed. Minus another 10 for the fact that V. is back in the first place.
—blondephoenixrising
• Wait, are we expected to believe that Louie and Blair pull up to some random street corner where there are paparazzi already prepared to take impromptu pictures? -15 because Louie is no Angelina, or even Jen for that matter. —schemingwithscones
• -15 for the fact that Blair actually rummaged through SERENA’s closet for an outfit for her date with a PRINCE. First of all, Serena is unbelievably tall with very long limbs (oh and let’s not forget the cleavage rhombus) and Blair is kidding herself if she thinks anything not remotely skanky would fit her. Secondly, has Blair actually been paying attention to Serena’s outfits in the past? The girl doesn’t even know the meaning of the phrase less is more, let alone how to dress subtly. —blue_roses
• The whole Lucien thing was so freaking stupid. So he came all the way to New York just to accompany an adult Prince back home, stayed for half an hour until he was convinced of Blair and Dan’s love merely by the sight of them holding hands for exactly two seconds and then immediately left for Paris again? That is endlessly more stupid than any character traveling all the way to Brooklyn to tell Dan/Rufus things that would easily fit in a single text message. -5 —applegreen
• Another -10 for Chuck apparently having unsubscribed from Gossip Girl. How else do you explain him not immediately receiving the Dan and Blair video like everyone else at the party?! Did his phone die? Did he see it and not care? For someone who is probably cyber-stalking Blair, he is way out of the loop! —chuckandblairblairandchuck
• “Chuck went through something veeeery similar,” Nate explains to Raina. -5, because even Bangs-for-Brains is realizing the absurdity of ridiculous story lines being recycled here. —ninotshka
• No matter how much Blair wants to be a princess she would never tolerate someone calling her “common.” -10 because she would have strangled that lispy royal with his own scarf. —wintourwannabe
• The whole “commoner” issue and “royal birthright” obligations are RIDICULOUS, ESPECIALLY in the context of this week’s events. The heir to the most prominent European monarchy is marrying a daughter of e-biz entrepreneurs (yup, Wills and Kate), the crown prince of Monaco himself is getting hitched to a pro athlete and daughter of a Zimbabwean computer businessman in just two months! Seriously, how is a WALDORF not an upgrade? Would be -50, but really, -100 because of W&K. —annabelle10021
• -5 Serena is jealous over Dair’s secret relationship and she is covering her BOOBS at the PINK PARTY? I know she don’t use her brain much but how is she trying to win back Dan with out her rhombus cleavage? —charly777
• Dan tells Vanessa that he had intended to stand her up. PLEASE, and miss the chance to deliver that little comeuppance? He lives for that kind of thing. -3. —emmyloser
• -20 for not letting us see first-hand the 2nd Dan/Blair kiss. If Dan is really in love with Blair, we would have witnessed the dumb post-kiss face he makes when he’s infatuated with a girl that is out of his league. —brandie_larue
• Did Blair forget how to walk in high heels? Girl wobbled through Veselka like she’d just finished a three-day slam session with Chuck Bass. -3. —caitybeth
