You know you've been waiting for the reunion all week to find out the answers to your burning, itching questions: Are SamRon still together? Will Roger pop the question (that question being "JWOWW, will you make me the happiest guy in the world and stop peeing on the floor?")? Will the wretched, clogged toilet show up with a makeover, veneers, oversize chains, and a sparkly hooded sweatshirt? Your answers, my friend, are blowing in the wind ... and the wind is a sneaky bitch. Until Italy, the dirtiest dozen moments from the Jersey Shore reunion:
1. G(ene Rayburn) T-L
The seating and staging evoked fond memories of Match Game, which would actually make a great between-seasons gig for the cast. The potential for "He put it in her (BLANK)" gags is limitless! But let's review the stage. On the modern white stage with swanky lounge furniture, we pull back to see a backdrop of bejeweled trucker caps as well as wall displays of slogan underpants and Shore Store T-shirts. Perhaps this wallpaper was first spotted in the Design Within Reach-around catalogue.
2. Jersey Shore Makeunders
Vinny and Pauly are fresh to death, and Pauly has extra-sparkly teeth. JWOWW looks really pretty, and whatever Roger is doing to her, it's working. Sitch is dressed like a Ken Doll Boy Band Sha Na Na roadie, with his dark hooded sweatshirt demurely covering his head à la Catherine Tramell. The pattern on Sam's black-and-white restrictive dress poignantly represents the yin and yang of her relationship with Ron. Deena is vacuum-packed into some kind of tube-sock space-bag dress, and Ron is sporting a ridiculously oversize necklace. Snooki is apparently channeling Cher, if Cher were a squatty extra in Logan's Run.
We're quickly introduced to our emcee, Julissa. Although we recognize her from these other reunion shows, we are not sure if she is the host or a new cast member or a Kardashian Xena Weekend Warrior Princess. Kudos must be given to Julissa, though — it looks like she did some kind of Method preparation for this interview by embodying the principles of GTL, and her killer boots were made for walking (over broken furniture, dog poop, and discarded pickles).
4. You Say "Montage," I Say "Night Terror"
God bless the editors and producers who had to put together the first montage of outdoor peeing and belching. (We kept it purer with just pooping.) Mike then makes the dubious claim that the only reason he offers his grenades T-shirts and sweatslacks before smushing is to get them out of their "apparatuses." Julissa summons the spirit of the late Tim Russert and calls him on it, questioning whether Mike does this because he can't work a bra! Pauly and Vinny acknowledge their bromance, and Pauly says that at their wedding, he'll be the "bride and the D.J." He'll also be the drunk groomsman who whips out his wiener and says something vaguely racist. Vinny and Snooki continue to play out their scuzzy Tom Hanks–Meg Ryan flirtation, until Sam interjects and says that Vinny led Snooki on. Because if there's one thing that Sam knows, it's how to successfully navigate a functional relationship. If there's two things Sam knows, it's where to buy Plan B.
5. Bed, Bath, and Beyond the Boundaries of Good Taste
After a montage of Roger and his condom-filled duffel bag, we learn how happy JWOWW is now that she upgraded to GorillaJuicehead 2.0. She then admits that she should have left Tom the Monster after cheating on him with Pauly, which turned her ladyparts orange. She claims she's a whore no more, and has fallen in love at the Shore. Snooki offers to be her bridesmaid at a potential RogWOWW wedding. The happy couple will be registered at that place where they bought the faulty stripper pole, or at the M&M store. "Roger that," squeals Pauly. Roger that, indeed.
6. Must Love Dog Poop
After a montage of Sitch the Dog Torturer emotionally and digestively scarring JWOWW's pets, JWOWW is horrified — but not as much as she should be, right? She says it took her three months to potty train them again (but what about herself?). A confused Sam wonders why one would let dogs poop where you sleep, which, if you're familiar with the plumbing status in the house, is the mootest question ever asked. The conversation shifts to Mike's role as a snitch. And just when you were starting to enjoy the silly banter and the goofy montages, Ron brings up Miami.
Vinny and Ron agree that Mike is an instigator, but note that he's true, and he's there for you. Neither of those claims seem valid, but they do sound like the lyrics to an awesome new Bon Jovi song. We are sidetracked by Pauly's sparkly teeth and his new kicks (do they still have the tags on?). Clearly Pauly is enjoying his newfound fame and making some upgrades. We applaud you, Pauly D. Take that ring-tone money (see below) and do what you gotta do!
7. Love Is a Battlefield
Deena's turn. Did we mention how much we admire her wardrobe choice, which is part stu-stu-studio line from L'Oréal, part diabetic knee sock? She's the star of the best montage of the night, which features more drunken collapses than you can barf a hot dog at. From "yo, you farted" to "face down, ass up," Deena solidified her claim as the house's Maya Angelou. But, as she is quick to point out, "beneath this hot mess, there is genuinely, like, a nice person." She's our favorite hot mess with a heart of a gold (like that 1984 made for Skinemax masterpiece Angel minus the teen-hooker part). Thankfully, she sets the record straight on one of the season's enduring mysteries: Does Deena in fact like to "suck a butt?" She says no, but we think she doth protest too much. Deena's not famous enough to have earned one of those unnamed pop-star-and-gerbil urban legends, and her "poop comes out of a butt" defense falls flat. The barbershop gang had it right: Butts were most definitely sucked.
8. And Now a Word From Our Sponsor. And That Word Is "Class-Action Suit"
QUESTION: What do you think happens if you take Xenedrine while downloading Pauly D's ring tones? Isn't that what killed Mikey from Life cereal? Maybe that's what caused Ron's bloody anus? And although a "Cabs are heeah" ring tone would be great, wouldn't a Ronnie ring tone be even greater? Imagine hearing the sound of a blender mixing up a fresh batch of RonRon juice before being hurled against a sliding glass door every time you get a text!
9. What Makes Sammi Run?
Not an abusive boyfriend, that's for sure! The montage of Ron Hulk-smashing everything while she repeatedly cries and smooths her hair is as disturbing as it sounds. Sam says she had no idea Ron was so upset when she left, to which Ron counters it was a waste of his tears. Julissa breaks some news when it's revealed that SamRon are no longer together, so ladies of Italy: If you want someone who speaks the international language of smashing your futons and self-esteem, have we got a guy for you! Sam sweeps the Understaties (the awards for most glaring understatement at a reality show reunion episode) by saying "I think we both realized this is a little bit of a toxic relationship and we needed a break from each other!" Danny's working the presses at the Shore Store to get that on a shirt. Although it probably won't fit on a shirt — perhaps a poncho? Pauly then breaks the tension with "you guys should make out." He needs to host this next year, or at least the 16 and Pregnant reunion.
10. And Then There's Arvin!
Sammi's recap continues.We learn that in the 45 minutes she spent at home, she was peaceful, and believed that Ron had changed. So there's some takeaway for douchebags who like to psychologically torment their girlfriends: Erase the past and reinvent yourself simply by ordering three dozen roses of different colors. Then we have to relive the events of the previous two Arvin-centric episodes. Sam again claims that she's now 23 and three-quarters, and that her Arvin hookup happened ages ago, in 2009. Although she says that they never "hooked up," since making out doesn't count. To be fair, the definition of "hooking up" — on this show and, really, since the term became widely used — has always been opaque at best. There's a real wide piece of real estate between "making out" (kissing, presumably with Parliament Light–scented tongue) and "smushing" (sad, semi-conscious intercourse). I guess everything else is hooking up. Like eating a sweaty grilled cheese on the floor. We think that's third base these days. Anyway, Sammi says she never cheated on Ron, or broke his stuff (no, she only punched him really hard in the jaw). Sam does a lot of exaggerated, sharp finger pointing, and looks like she is vogue-ing and at one point kind of crosses herself and then utters the best, most accurate assessment of the season: "I can't even watch this anymore. I don't know how they dealt with it every single day. I have no idea."
11. Tan and the Whole World Tans With You
The reunion ends on a light — or in this case, dark beige — note, about tanning. There's a feel-good montage/PSA about spray-tanning, which features Deena in a Silkwood shower showing all the dangerous, toxic orange sauce being washed down the drain. And of course, the part where Snooki puts tanning lotion on her itchy bum and sits in the mini-fridge to soothe it. (We sincerely hope Danny is on his way to Seaside's Home Depot and buying a new mini-fridge stat and while you are out, can you pick up a case of burnt toast and some burnt meatballs? That segment made us hungry for orange blobs.) Do they try to "out-tan" each other, Yes! But nobody can out-tan the tanorexic Pauly D. We also learn that Snooki enjoys being called an Oompa-Loompa. She considers it a compliment and when you think about it, it kind of is. Pretty lame Segment 7.
12. It's Over
And just like that, we're done. It's a funny feeling — the season gave us countless moments of elation, anger, and diarrhea. Thursday nights at ten will never be the same. To Mike, Vinny, Pauly, Nicole, JWOWW, Deena, Sam, and even Ron: We will miss you more than you know. We honestly don't know what we'll do without you. The cabs are heah. We are shedding a teah.