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Oprah Will Not Save Your Soaps, Puny Mortals

All My Children and One Life to Live are dead, canceled, finito — and though Oprah Winfrey is a benevolent goddess who once granted life to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, and Jenny McCarthy's war on doctors (nobody ever said she was consistent), there is nothing she can do to revive your daytime stories. That is the message of a new video recorded by the Opes specifically to address the many fans who have bombarded her with requests to save those soaps by giving them a home on her OWN network. "Many soaps are not even getting a full single-digit number," Oprah gently scolds, and she already has enough of those low ratings to deal with, okay? "All things have their time ... I will not be taking on the responsibility of trying to revive an institution that, for all intent and all purpose, indicates that that time has come for it to be over." To sum up: She is not going to waste her revival spells on Susan Lucci when John Travolta needs those magical ingredients (fawn's blood, the tears of Gayle King) to freshen up his lace-front. [via TV Line]