hellivision

Which Self-Professed ‘Classy’ Real Housewife of New York Is Actually Classy? Anybody?

According to The Real Housewives of New York, there are two kinds of housewives: classy (whoever is speaking) and classless (everybody else). And yet for all of their labeling, the ladies’ definition of “class” remains somewhat murky. Is it manners? Wealth? Stature among your peers? Countess LuAnn de Lesseps tried to codify the term in her 2009 book Class with the Countess; the first chapter defines it as the “art of being yourself.” And yet, the cast constantly proclaims that they are always being true to themselves (or, in reality parlance, “keeping it real”), but it still leads to them all calling each other classless. So who is right? To find out, we sat down and analyzed each housewife’s level of class, taking in all of the evidence for and against. Through this, we will be able to rank them all in descending order of classiness. Who will win? The classiness may surprise you.

Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Has branded herself that way through many forms of media, including her book and her dance single, “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” -Appears to believe in an osmosis-type superiority that results from partnering with Europeans, as evidenced by her aristocratic ex-husband, a Count who gave LuAnn the title she will never relinquish, even in death, and current boyfriend Jacques, a French David Schwimmer look-alike in the wine distribution business. -Is against discussing pubic hairstyles, even in a friend’s private spa [see: Cindy Barshop]. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Wrote a book stating class is the art of being yourself, then later admitted that she wasn’t “being herself” because she didn’t actually write it. -Clings to pretentious Countess title, although it has not officially been recognized by anyone in the royal family. -Is completely unaware when she’s being condescending toward others, as shown in the episode when she made a classroom of inner city girls sit through a reading of “her” book, and in every episode when she moans out at least a couple of “Dahhhhling”s. -Seems to wear excessively large turquoise jewelry pieces for the express purpose of reminding everyone that she’s half Native American. -Tone-deaf dance single and accompanying video.
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Co-runs the oft-mentioned Zarin Fabric Warehouse, which only carries the best of the best, and also “runs in a fabulous circle of people” — her tagline during the opening credits of seasons 1-3. -Has now changed her tagline to “Good or bad, I know who I am, and I own it,” which speaks again to the Countess-endorsed art of being yourself. -Enjoys taking the less fortunate under her wing, meaning friends who are going through a sad sack period or who are currently without husbands. -Is a loyal wife to mensch Bobby, a gem who reflects well on her. -Spearheaded an expensive redecoration of her Upper East Side apartment that landed it the cover of Traditional Home magazine. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Says she knows who she is and owns it, but continually has no idea when she’s being awful and then denies culpability. -Appears to begrudge the successes (both financial and emotional) of friends once they emerge from their sad sack periods. -One of the biggest shit talkers on the show, also has a habit of aggressively probing into details of the others lives, most recently when she met housewife Cindy Barshop for the first time and immediately began pressing Cindy about why she has infant twins when she’s clearly old and single. -Made sending her daughter to fat camp part of her own story arc. -Related: Launched a line of body shapes for young girls called “Skweez.”
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Prides herself on being an independent businesswoman and received the “Celebrity Entrepreneur of the Year” award in recognition of her clothing resale company; also has a line of skincare products, HSN jewelry, and Ramona brand Pinot Grigio. -Designs and sells faith-based jewelry with husband Mario. -Is happily married, but extremely vocal about the fact that she will never rely on a man for his money. -Tends to be instinctively true to herself (especially when breaking into dance) and makes a sincere effort to be true with others, going so far as to tell housewife Alex’s husband Simon that she found him creepy, then openly retracting that statement after he grew on her like a fungus. -Named her daughter Avery. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Pushes a faith-based jewelry line that she insists is about faith, when it’s really about making money. -Unlike Jill Zarin, does very little talking behind her girlfriends’ backs, but does a fair amount of shit talking to their faces. -Along the same lines, conducts extremely inappropriate employee interviews, telling one young woman — fresh out of college — that she needed to do something about her acne and then handed her a Ramona skincare product. -Recognized by the other women as something of a spaz, especially when she gets a little Pinot in her.
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -In contrast to Countess LuAnn’s regal airs, she subscribes to a more American notion of classiness, best encapsulated by a love of horses, swimwear, Hamptons salted hair, and owl jewelry. -However, keeps up European ties by holding onto the last name of ex-husband and French fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon. -Often goes to a place called “Kelly Land,” self-perceived as a whimsical, fun-loving mindset that exists beyond petty conflict. -Is a devoted mother, despite naming her daughters Thaddeus and Sea. -Last season, had the good sense to realize it was bad parenting when housewife Ramona ditched her teenage daughter Avery in a cab because Ramona wanted to attend Perez Hilton’s party. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Plays up an all-American, salt-of-the-earthiness that manifests in her constantly announcing that she likes beer and bringing out Gummi Bears during inappropriate times. -Mostly practices the art of being herself by being extremely confusing. -Came to believe that Bravo sweetheart and original housewife Bethenny Frankel was maniacally out to get her, when the reality was that Bethenny was just annoyed by her. -Has some blind spots when it comes to etiquette — for example, interrupted drinks with housewife Cindy to decline Ramona’s invitation by Blackberry, taking an inordinately long time to type out a message that probably should have been delivered via phone call anyway. -Difficult to take on vacation.
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Looks amazing in a cocktail gown and possesses an obvious sway over men, including young artist types, one of whom painted a tasteful nude of her clutching a sheet. -Is one of the very few women in the United States who can wear a variation on a Russian ushanka hat with her yoga clothes and still kind of pull it off. -Formerly married into the J.P. Morgan family; kept the five-story townhouse with private garden. -Mostly has a charming, sunny disposition and did an admirable job of conflict managing while on a group vacation [see: Kelly Bensimon]. -Writes on her website that her taste for luxury “is balanced by her Berkshire sensibilities.” Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Can get somewhat preoccupied by the hotness of her body to the point where she can’t stop talking about it. -Seems happiest when sweaty men are staring at her breasts during wine tastings. -Interprets the “art of being yourself” by frequently declaring at events that are not really about her, that it is “her day” or “her night.” -Is rumored to be the “thug in a cocktail dress” referred to by housewife Alex in promos for the upcoming season. -Recently had to file for bankruptcy, claiming to be $19.8 million in debt after being sued by a John Travolta film production. -Charged with DUI after driving drunk off a substance that wasn’t the heady glow from her cleavage.
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Gave her sons European names, Johan and François, and makes sure that cedilla is present in François’ name throughout her online content. -Husband Simon has a “van” in his surname and a British accent, and frequently wears neckerchiefs. -Known for her embrace of high fashion along with her husband’s love of shopping for dresses for her. -Wants others to know that she cannot be blamed for her good genes (tallness and thinness) and that she basically had no choice but to recently go into modeling because it is her physical destiny. -Cites to the individualism of living in brownstone Brooklyn in contrast to the other Manhattanite housewives. -Is very intense about organizing gay marriage marches. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Believes that she and her husband march to a different drum than the others, except they make sure to vacation in the exact same places, just during the off-season. -Instead of releasing herself from the burdens of high society that she cannot meet, responds to judgments by asserting a wounded avant-garde superiority. -Interior of Brooklyn townhouse has the weird vibe of a Roman whorehouse bistro. -Omnipresent husband Simon is a liability, especially now that he has released his first dance single, called “I Am Real.” -Seems to lack the understanding that she is modeling because she is on a reality TV show, and moreover, that it is unnecessary to humble brag that she didn’t even study ballet because no one is under the impression that she poses like a ballerina.
Why She Thinks She’s Classy: -Avoids the stuffiness of some of the other housewives by living downtown, yet still maintains specific geographic standards, as evidenced by her recent horror at having to visit Governor’s Island for Alex’s birthday picnic. -Realized a longstanding dream in her single late forties by having twin girls through in vitro fertilization. -Is credited with launching the vagina jeweling movement [see also: Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy] and has a successful line of personal grooming spas called “Completely Bare.” -Announced on the last episode that pubic-wise, she’s hairless both in front and back [see also: Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy]. -Recognizes that you shouldn’t talk when others are giving speeches. Why She Might Not Actually Be Classy: -Gets off pretty light here by being both the newest of the housewives and so far, one of the least interested in gossiping about the others. -Loses minor points for having her brother, Howie, fire the nanny instead of having that conversation herself. -Runs what is basically an upscale salon for pubic hair [see: above] and eyes are most lit up when she’s talking about ingrown bikini hairs and how she finally put an end to them [see: above]. -Won’t give up razor-cut bangs.
And now the results in descending order, from most classy to least. 1. Cindy Barshop: She hasn’t been on the show long enough to do anything especially egregious, but she also appears to be comfortable in her (hairless) skin. 2. Sonya Morgan: Although she may kind of be an attention whore, she knows it, and that gives her a lighthearted sparkle. 3. Ramona Singer: Despite her crazy runway walk, she still projects happiness with herself, which carries over into mostly good intentions toward others. 4. LuAnn de Lesseps: Getting away from the Count seems to have loosened her up a little. It could also be the wine that her new boyfriend’s importing. 5. Kelly Killoren Bensimon: When it comes to Kelly, the art of being herself is really more like the macrame wall hanging of being herself. 6. Alex McCord: She thinks she’s found an assertive voice, but really, she’s let herself get sucked into more bullshit and has lost sight of the humor in it. 7. Jill Zarin: One of the most likable housewives in the show’s first season, her apparent facial — uh, rejuvenation? — is just another reminder that she was better before she started looking outward.
Which Self-Professed ‘Classy’ Real Housewife of New York Is Actually Classy? Anybody?