Then What Will Absorb His Tears? Conan’s Beardpocalypse Approacheth

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The more they hype Conan’s beard removal on Monday’s show, the more I viscerally don’t want to see Will Ferrell’s pretend-threats come true. There is something deeply unholy about the blade in Ferrell’s hands, his furious shrieks, and the glycerin tears streaming down Coco’s face. “I’ll take that beard and flush it down the toilet,” Ferrell screams. I feel like I’m watching a fever dream I had after watching Zoolander and falling asleep near an open flame. What if Conan’s head pops like that orange balloon? Oh god, I just jinxed it.