William & Kate (tonight, 9 p.m.), the Lifetime Original movie based on the relationship between Prince William and his bride-to-be Kate Middleton, has not been met with the kindest reviews. Admittedly, the movie has some problems: bad Scottish music, bedazzled fedoras, upskirt photos, and quite possibly the cringiest karaoke performance ever committed to film. Then, of course, there is the dialogue. To be fair, as you are aware from the headline, this is a Lifetime movie! About a royal wedding! We expect nothing less than painfully cheesy, unnatural romantic drivel — and on that front, Vulture can report that William & Kate delivers big-time. To put it in terms that royal watchers will understand: This is a movie that makes The Prince and Me look like The Lion in Winter. In a way, this is an achievement, and so to honor Lifetime’s unapologetic commitment to the Modern Fairy Tale experience, we now present the best (of the worst) mushy lines from William & Kate. Take notes — this is how the Royals do it.
Kate: “So who’s your favorite artist?”
William: “I like Monet and Cezanne. I like the way they play with light.”
[A phone call from the Royal Jet.]
William: Did you always know what you wanted to do with your life?
Kate: Yes. When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be a train conductor, and then when I was 11, I wanted to be a professional football player.
William: And none of that worked out?
Kate: Sadly, no. What about you?
William: My life was planned for me before I was even born.
[At the infamous fashion show.]
Ian, a friend: She’s hot.
William: She’s hot.
Ian: That’s what I just said.
William: Well, it’s worth repeating.
Olivia, a friend: “Why do they all keep staring at him?”
Kate’s old boyfriend: “They’re curious. Maybe he’ll drop his drawers and give us a royal moon.”
William: Class starts in half an hour.
Kate: No, ring them and have it changed.
William: I don’t think they’ll listen to me.
Kate: They have to. You’re going to run the country one day.
TV: Clarence House issued a statement today regarding Prince William’s 21st birthday party. The Palace says, “Jecca Craig is an old friend of Prince William’s and nothing more.”
Olivia: You know he did that for you. He never releases statements about his private life.
Kate: You’re supposed to be studying.
William: I am. I’m studying you.
William: I love you.
Kate: You do? I love you, too. I love private you, I love public you, and I love you that no one gets to see but me.
And a bonus insight on Royal etiquette:
Lady-in-Waiting: Noo! Keep your legs firmly together. You swing them out the door and plant them firmly on the ground. One must never allow one’s legs to part even for a brief moment, as there is most likely a photographer with a long lens waiting to snap a picture of your undergarments. Assuming, of course, you wear undergarments. So many young girls these days seem to have no shame.
Kate: I can assure you I do wear undergarments.