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Gossip Girl–Recap Recap: Unless We’re Close to Resolving This, I’m Going to Order Room Service

This week's episode of the Greatest(ish) Show of our Time focused on fairy tales — a possible one for viewers with Vanessa's imminent departure. But with lazy writers and bored actors, the most exciting part of this show is wondering what train will crash next. The truth hurts but we're here anyway, so on to this week's recap of the recap from Polish Pierogi.

Realer Than Blake Lively No Longer Being the Star of This Show
• The love of Chuck's life has been tied up by a murderous psycho with a penchant for fire. The writers have totally lifted a plot from "The Dark Knight" a film they already referenced in the promos. +100 for Chuck finally taking on the role of (Da Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) BASSman! —ASWELLTHEYMIGHT

• Advance +20: Here's to Chuck saving Blair in next week's episode when he will then make her his Evil Princess and they will lord over the Dark together forever. —ELLECAT

• Jack's mind-blowing sex appeal managed to make Raina interesting for one whole scene. Plus 10 because that's real talent. —KDOW3

• Nate wanted a plot line so badly, he was willing to sacrifice sex to get it. +3 (even he knows he's simply become eye candy these days). —AMALA83

• Nate can count his lines on this show on one hand, but at least he's the one that gets to spill the beans to Raina. It really was a pivotal moment for him in a season where he has done nothing but be the guy in the room with blue eyes and bedhead. Plus 5. —JULIEFB

• Nate Archibald is as bad at secrets as Chace Crawford is at acting. Plus 2. —HDHARRISON

• Plus 10 for the return of old friends: Cyrus Rose, Izzie and Kati, Jack Bass, even Vitamin Water. It was like old home week. —EMMYLOSER

• +10 for Cyrus giving a shout out to The Princess Bride ... but Blair actually going through with this wedding? INCONCEIVABLE! —NYCGG4233

• Serena : "Lipstick lasts longer but lip gloss is more fun" Is this about blowjobs or cosmetics? With Serena it could be both +10. —SARCASTICMEOW

• Even Eleanor is giving Lily the convict treatment. Giving a millionaire last season dresses is the greatest of all offenses. Plus 10 —STILETTO33

• Blair to Serena: "Like much else in your life, that apology was underwhelming." +5 because it does seem like Serena has just been dialing it in ever since the whole Juliet-sabotage-free-Ben-affair went down. —LULU_B

• +5 for Raina's Gretel-inspired weave-braid. Very damsel in distress-ian. —BANANARAMA

• "Can we just call the cops? I'm hungry and all you seem to have are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms" Wow, I never thought I would like Jack Bass so much! Plus 100 —NOCTURNELLE

Faker Than Calling Blake Lively’s Look “Anti-Bored” (could have fooled me, Michael Kors)
• A hostage situation? Really? That's full on Soap territory. No coming back from it. —THOUGHT

• Minus 300 for the whole Blair and the Half-Blood Prince thing. I used to watch Passions when I was thirteen and still I'm shouting GIVE ME A BREAK. Minus a billion. Ugh. —DIAL_M_FOR_MEDIOCRE

• Nate and raina's "love scenes" are like the ones he had with vanessa. boring, stupid, why-am-i-here, did-we-really-have-sex? will he never generate heat with anyone other than blair and serena? dan and chuck don't count. -3 —CRABTREEACRES

• Every ep i think i've come to terms with the heinous killing of the dair storyline while secretly hoping its a fake out and their going to bring it back to the fore before the end of the season. Today i've finally given up hope -1000 —UMLAT1

• How were there all the ingredients for a post-victory threesome between Chuck, Nate & Jack, and yet neither of the Basses made a skeezy comment? It's like I don't even know them anymore. -20 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• For all that grace and elegance, Blair runs like a fat waddling duck. -5 —TAMMYXCORE

• Minus 5 for no Dorota scenes! Blair wouldn`t have had the engagement party without her. —SCHEMINGWITHSCONES

• Why was Headmistress Queller's office unlocked during a big event? Almost as ridiculous as Ben being able to text from jail. -5 —HOYAGIRL05

• Dan says he never did anything crazy in high school? Guess he and the writers both forgot about the little rendezvous in the costume closet between Lonely Boy and the English teacher. -10 —HOYAGIRL05

• If Charlie really wanted a life like Serena's, she wouldn't have taken Serena's dress, she would have just gotten Serena's boobs. -10 —BASSINPOCKET

• -20 for a REAL missed opportunity by the props department for not putting Russell Thorpe in a ridiculous wig. The video would have been much more believable had he been in a Hi-Top Fade a la Kid from Kid n' Play. —WAITINGFORCHAIR

• dan and blair, who have been bff and more all throughout the season fail to utter a single meaningful word to each other in the penultimate episode, especially when blair seems to be in dire need of a true friend, just because the writers feel that we have to have an uninterrupted chair showdown before it all ends - for now. minus -10, brought to you by gilt, smart water, and all the nymag chair lobbyists. —ISTANBUL

• Minus five for Blair believing royal families do not engage in sex games and scandals. —TOOMUCH

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW