Aquaman: Blitz the Seas!, by Colin Fisher

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the investors’ meeting for Aquaman: Blitz the Seas!. In case you don’t know, I am Marc Philips, producer of the show. Many of you have questions or concerns about our musical, and we will get to those, but first I’d like to say a few words to ease your fears. Your irrational, baseless fears.

I can’t be happier with the state of this show. When we started previews 15 months ago, I never imagined we would be so close to considering a tentative opening date by now. How would we get the 75,000-cubic-foot aquarium built? How would we mic the performers in said aquarium? How soon could we teach them to sing underwater? How much does it cost to hire and maintain a shark army? Which of course is needed for the amazing finale between Aquaman and Sharkey Sharkington the Sharkmaster, Aquaman’s archnemesis we invented just for this show.

We’re still exploring the answers to these questions. That’s what preview runs are for. Try telling that to the Philistine press in this town, though, right? Haha. Did dozens and dozens more questions arise during previews? Naturally. One does not simply walk into history. One must fight one’s way into history, riding a wave of hundreds of millions of investor dollars. Thank you for that, by the way. I don’t think we say that enough around here.

This show is your baby, and I know you’re worried. I mean, I have actual babies. Who are now tucked away at an undisclosed private school in the country, so you can stop sending all those funny threat letters, whichever of you little jokers that is. Seriously.

I hear you’re worried about the musical’s book. When we started kicking this whole idea around five years ago, we’d read one issue of Aquaman. Issue two hundred something. Only one writer came to mind: Bruce Vilanch. I knew what he could do from the hilarious, cutting banter he’s written for the Oscar telecasts all these years, and do it he did. Well worth the double rate we were somehow tricked into paying him.

Now, I’ve also picked up some grumbling about the fantastic score by Coldplay frontman Chris Martin’s brother Bob. We all know talent is genetic. And yes, the score is often atonal and disorienting, but who’s to say that’s not what the music of an underwater race would sound like? It’s that sort of purity of vision that’s setting Aquaman: Blitz the Seas! apart from all the other dreck on Broadway. But this meeting is about you. So to calm your fears, I have on retainer several up-and-coming Eastern European jingle writers.

And finally, a word on the ongoing lawsuits. Turns out the litigious families of a couple of accidentally drowned leads didn’t read the releases signed by those actors too closely. I can assure you everything is going smoothly. I do have one teensy little favor to ask. To make sure everything keeps going according to plan, we might need just a little more investment from you for the legal team. A tiny sum of $10 million to cover the next week, at most, and then this whole thing will be settled. I assure you.

Wait, I might need to take this. Oh great, it’s our director! Michael, how’s rehearsal? Oh, OK. Uh huh. And it just happened? Great. Right. All of him, or just a piece? OK. Got it. I’ll check.

OK folks, that was Michael. The new lead was just eaten by a shark. We might have to make that $50 million for the legal team. Who’s on board?

Colin Fisher lives in Brooklyn with his wife and cat. In that order.

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