Lately I’ve noticed a lot of you hating me, and at first I was worried, thinking it was something I’d done. “Is it because I believe in myself?” I asked, “Is it because I sometimes take their mail?” That’s when I realized how foolish I’d been; it wasn’t me, but all of you who did something, and that something was hating me. I’m writing this letter asking you to please, not hate me. You may feel you have your reasons, but I think I can address them all.
Please do not hate me for being beautiful. Someone once said they thought that was why so many people hated me, and by “someone once,” I mean myself, often. It seems like I’m saying this all the time, really. If this is why you hate me then you should probably stop. I can’t see how it would do any good, hating someone for a reason like that. In fact, I think it makes all of you uglier.
Please do not hate me for being well-read, which I take to mean having read a lot about wells. I’ve only read a few dozen books on the subject, and those were in preparation of an article (rejected) I wrote for an aquifer journal, so I don’t really see how it applies.
Please do not hate me for my love of the arts. It may seem confusing, the rock opera/interpretive dance I perform each morning on my lawn, but I believe it’s important for people to express themselves. Often expressing oneself involves the consumption of alcohol.
Please do not hate me for my struggle with alcohol. So sometimes I like to drink, and sometimes I happen to be alone, in stranger’s houses, nude. Do you think that’s sad? I don’t think it’s sad. Frankly I think it’s a little sad that you would be so down on someone, just because he likes to party. It’s like, c’mon guy, live a little.
Please do not hate me because I go through your trash. If anything it’s me who should be hating you: your trash is very boring.
Please do not hate me for stealing your car. I didn’t want to steal it. But the jump I was attempting is a world record; one my own car was ill-suited for. Also mine is really expensive, so I think we both dodged a bullet there.
Please do not hate me because I ran negative campaign ads about you. I thought the public had a right to know the truth, and it was not until later I learned you weren’t running for office. Besides, they only aired during primetime, and even then only regionally.
Please do not hate me for loving my body. Please do not hate me for loving your wife’s. Please do not hate me for selling your dog. And most of all, please, do not hate me for being hated. It’s kind of pathetic, hating someone just because it’s the popular thing to do. Plus, like I said earlier, I think it makes you really ugly.
The Humor Section features pieces of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.