Annoying, water-cooler-dwelling office drones who comment on the unexpectedness of everyday life’s ironies and oddities are justified in their amazement at reality. “You can’t write this stuff!” one always says. “Life imitating art.” another inevitably adds, and etc.
But it’s true. They’re right! Every day, all around us, there’s a ton of insane, unbelievable, real material, the stuff of which Hollywood hilarity is made. Don’t believe me? Just have a damn look!
Guy Throws Bag of Weed at Cops
In high school, my friends and I would have these types of dumb, hypothetical conversations all the time. “What if you threw weed out of your car window, and it landed right in front of a cop? Wouldn’t that be nuts?!” Well, on the night of June 20th, while driving through Buffalo, 20-year-old Sean Schmidt found out that scenario would indeed be nuts, and costly. New York State troopers pulled over the vehicle Schmidt was riding in, because he was sticking his body out the sunroof, reports the Associated Press. When the sirens went on, Schmidt panicked and threw his bag of sticky icky right onto the hood of the pursuing police car. Schmidt was ticketed. His exact offenses? Not wearing a seat belt aaaaand….not wearing a seatbelt aaaaand….not wearing a seatbelt aaaaand… marijuana possession (sorry, it was right there). The accidental nature of the event was called into question when Seth Rogan was discovered to be in the backseat with a Sony Handycam and wearing an obviously homemade Pineapple Express 2 t-shirt.
Cure For American Obesity Discovered: Stop Eating Fried Kool-Aid!
The disgusting brainchild of a one “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian, the fried Kool-Aid ball made it’s debut at the San Diego County Fair last week. According to the Washington Post, one Fair-sized batch’s ingredients contained 150 pounds of Kool-Aid and 1,500 pounds of flour. In a related story, President Obama has halted his plans to promote universal healthcare. When asked if his decision was made in response to fried Kool-Aid eating Americans’ disregard for dietary restraint, he replied only “Fried Kool-Aid? Come on. That’s incredibly racist.”
U2’s Bono: A Selfish, Tax-Evading Prick?
I think Bono-worship is a prerequisite to becoming a boring suburbanite. It’s right up there with discussing what inspired one to buy eco-friendly grocery bags, and lamenting the squandered athletic potential of one’s eight-year-old daughter. (“If she just put her heart into it, she’d be so good!”) I’ve heard nearly all my parents’ friends sing the U2 front man’s praises at some point. “He gives so much money to Africa.” How much? They don’t really know, but who cares? He gives a lot, and now we know why. Bono, and the rest of his mates, have been outted by an Irish protest group called Art Uncut who claim that, in 2006, U2 moved its corporate headquarters from Ireland to the Netherlands where music royalties are barely taxed. Since the HQ switch, three of Ireland’s wealthiest residents have shirked giving back to the motherland, reports the Associated Press. If that isn’t enough to shut up Bono sycophants, I urge them all to go see his pet Broadway project, Spider-Man Turn Off The Dark—a trespass far more grave than being an unpatriotic-cheapskate-traitor with dumb sunglasses, I assure you.
65-Year-Old, Male Business Consultant Flies in Stripper Garb
Sometimes a cup of coffee helps break the monotony of corporate life. Other times, a brisk walk or a short vacation will do the trick. But for a 65-year-old business consultant and frequent US Airways flier, it doesn’t seem like any of the above could ever really work. No, for this Phoenix native, who looks like a hybrid of Caddy Shack’s Judge Smails and Barbara Bush, the only way to spice things up is to dress like a common street whore. That’s why the unnamed sass-pot always sports lacey lingerie, thigh-highs, and heels when he’s in transit. The best part: the airline hasn’t hassled him about his in-flight attire. I guess it’s really fine, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the guy’s job performance. Case in point, my pediatrician wore a ball-gag in the office for years, and he was fantastic! Put your tray tables up and fasten your garter belt. That’s what I always say. I’m a bit biased, though. This gentleman is currently consulting for my goldfish social network startup. More here.
Woman Jailed For Complaining About “Salty” Meal
The Telegraph reports that a Taiwanese blogger known only as Mrs. Liu was recently jailed for 30 days and fined $6,900 because she wrote that the noodles at Taichung’s Sichuan Beef Noodle Restaurant were “too salty”. After reading the post—that also mentioned a cockroach problem and surly staff—Sichuan Beef’s owner sued Liu for defamation. While the judge considered the cockroach complaints to be par for the course, he refused to stand for Liu’s salty-noodle-kvetching, reasoning that she had no authority to pass judgment on the restaurant’s fare after eating only one dish. Wow. If bitching about food warranted imprisonment in America, literally every one of the Real Housewives would be given lethal injections. Alas.
Luke Kelly-Clyne is a writer, etc. living in New York City.