This Week in Unintentional Comedy in the News

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Runaway brides. Breast-milk-assaults. Tom Cruise’s snore room.

This week, we’ve got it all!

Monaco’s Prince Albert Forces Runaway Bride to Marry Him

When my past girlfriends wanted to leave, they just told me I was “great and sweet” and promptly unfriended me on Facebook. I always let them go without a fight. Clearly I’m no Prince Albert. The Telegraph reports that the Monacan aristocrat has had some trouble tying the knot with his new wife, Olympic swimmer and South African native Charlene Wittstock, 33. Just last week, senior Palace officials foiled her attempt to board a flight back home from France. Before that, Wittstock tried avoided the alter by hiding in Paris’s South African embassy. One wonders if Albert’s runaway bride, now wedded to the 53-year-old philandering prince in the wake of some secretive arrangement, will stick around long enough to bear Albert a legitimate heir (he already has at least three out-of-wedlock children with various companions). If only I could’ve convinced my fleeing loves to stay, maybe I would’ve avoided heartbreak. Surely every college lacrosse star in the United States would still be a virgin.

Woman Shoots Police Officers…With Breast Milk

Ohio native and nursing mom, Stephanie Robinette was charged with domestic violence and disorderly conduct when she struck her husband and then proceeded to squirt investigating police with her breast milk, the New York Daily News reports. In all fairness to Robinette, one of the cops was a thirsty baby.

Inspired by the incident, Ice-T is attempting to revive his long-defunct rap career with a new take on his 1992 hit song Cop Killer. Sources close to Ice say the upcoming track, called Cop Squirter will feature Young Money Records’ newest addition Lil’ Lactate, and should debut later this year.

Escaped Inmate Asks to Use Prison Guard’s Phone, Dragged Back to Jail

Prison escape rule #1: Don’t knock on a prison guard’s door while wearing your inmate uniform. Apparently 39-year-old James Edward Russell didn’t read the manual. After busting out of the Washington state penitentiary, Russell, convicted of forgery and theft, asked to use the phone of a nearby resident who turned out to be an off-duty prison guard, says the San Francisco Chronicle. Worse, Russell was still clad in jail-wear when he knocked on the guard’s door. Whoops! Now he’s back in the clank and wishin’ he’d walked just a little farther down the road.

As soon as he returned to his cell, Russell became an instant object of interest for an elite team of MIT scientists tasked with finding the man with the world’s shittiest luck. The team is excited at the prospect of concluding its search and abandoning research on its former lead test subject, Rob Schneider.

Peeping Tom Hides in Porta Potty at Colorado Yoga Festival, Gives New Meaning to Term “Peeping Tom”

Things to do at yoga festivals: Compare biodegradability of soymilk containers. Make fun of people who lift weights. Hide in poopy porta potties? Freshly arrested Luke Ivan Chrisco must’ve thought the latter sounded reasonable because attendees at a Boulder, Colorado yoga festival reported Chrisco to police after discovering him hiding in a portable toilet’s tank. Chrisco, who was already wanted by authorities for an unrelated panhandling charge, proved to be a slippery catch as he was completely covered in human excrement when apprehended. Once cops finally wrangled him up, the peeper was charged with unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy. Full story here.

Prominent yoga outfitter lululemon sees the odd event as a branding opportunity and has just released a line of pants with built-in waste compartments so yoga-nuts everywhere never have to sit on a toilet again. pupulemon will be available nationwide, starting next month.

Tom Cruise Adds a Snore Room to His Beverly Hills Mansion

Don’t be embarrassed about your deviated septum. Even celebs snore! That’s why Tom Cruise built a soundproof “snoratorium” room in his Beverly Hills mansion, reports the Telegraph. This way, he can honk away without disturbing Katie Holmes and Suri’s sleep.

Tom isn’t the only star making wacky additions to his estate. Nicholas Cage just built a very posh “career-revival chamber”, and the rest of Hollywood is taking notice. Andy Dick, David Hasselhoff, and Lindsay Lohan are already rumored to be in talks with Cage’s architect.

Luke Kelly-Clyne is a writer, etc. living in New York City.