Mixed European White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Pride Parade!!!, by Andrew Ford

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Sunday, July 17th will mark the first annual “Mixed European White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Pride Parade.” A celebration of the shared cultural heritage of millions of individuals whose relatives immigrated to the United States, so that their grandchildren could one day attend Tufts or Hofstra University, and study Media Arts.

The parade was created to fill a void left by other more inclusive and culturally distinct parades.

Festivities will take place along 5th Avenue, running from 42nd st up to 86th st. Between the hours of 2pm and 6pm. The parade will end before Mad Men comes on, so organizers say there is no need to worry. Also, those wearing Gap brand clothing will be given access to priority viewing platforms.

The Grand Marshall for the inaugural parade will be actor Zach Galifianakis, who will perform several comedic songs, backed up by the alt-indie band Vampire Weekend. Zach will ride on the “Grand Float,” which is shaped like the stadium from Iron Chef America. In honor of those who risked it all, so that future generations could afford a decent cable TV package.

As a note to those attending, it is not necessary to feel a connection to any one “home” country. But, you are required to have arbitrarily mentioned a particular culture in the diversity section of your college application. It didn’t help, but you had to put something there.

The parade was started by the “Mixed European White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Community Council.” A group dedicated to celebrating the culture of kids who don’t speak any language besides English, and who have no ethnic recipes to pass down. The council also throws pool parties in the summer, featuring DJs who have at least one parent working as a patent lawyer.

Other floats will include those sponsored by Old Spice Commercials, Team CoCo, Xbox 360, Starbucks, America’s Local Malls, and Panera Bread.

After the parade concludes, there will be a pick-up Ultimate Frisbee game in Central Park. BYOB.

The #hashtag for the event is #mixedUPEuroPride

Andrew Ford is a writer & director living in New York City. He currently uses his powers to create sketch videos with the group Captain Hippo. You can also see him performing improv with his group, Johnny Cash Money. OR you can read him on sites like McSweeneys and (now) Splitsider!

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